So I'm going to just try typing without editing myself because it would take me all day to edit this crap anyways. I will use spellcheck though because I want to show you some mercy.

I invest too much in things. I put a lot of time into things hoping for an outcome that doesn't happen. The worst part is that I repeat the cycle. How does that saying go, the definition of crazy is repeating the same thing over again and expecting a different outcome? Something like that. The last investment took up eighteen months from October 2006 and crashed and burned. Dammit, I don't want to give anymore detail on that so nevermind.

I feel like I've lost the point. I've always had some aim, goal, end-result in mind that propelled me forward but now I've reached a point where I don't seem to have one. I don't know what to aim for.

Here' s the thing. My brother shot himself in the head on May 25th, 2006 and the remainder of that year was filled with not knowing what was going to happen next with anything; I didn't know where I was going to work, I didn't know where I was going to live, and I didn't want to write Thank-you letters to people for attending a funeral. That has got to be one of the most ridiculous things this society could ever come up with. I was numb to a lot of things during that time except for the Thank-you notes. That enraged me. I thanked people over those two days of never-ending ceremony and I meant what I said. If you ever attend a funeral and feel that you deserve a Thank-you note for attending, fuck off. Don't bother going. You're an asshole.

During that time, I would try to put myself into Tom's place and try to figure out what he was thinking. I couldn't help it, I just always seemed to gravitate towards that. I would end up thinking about what some of the last things he was thinking would have been. If you've ever tried to do that, it's very frightening. One night, I was sitting in the tub and I started to think about that. My legs were submerged but my toes were poking out of the water. I had just painted my toe nails bright red. I had only a candle lit in the bathroom so the candlelight was bouncing off of the red paint making my toes twinkle. They looked like little jewels. I've always loved painting my toe nails and I suddenly realized that I would never be able to understand what Tom was thinking beforehand because I could never do that. If I did, I wouldn't be able to paint my toe nails anymore. That was my one thing. That may be too simple of a reason to not off yourself but it makes perfect sense to me. Looking at my toe nails twinkling made me happy.

In the last several weeks I've realized that there are just some things I'll never do. That's just the way it is. There are plenty of other things to do but I can't seem to see one that I can do well right now. I can't find one that I can aim for. I have to find something different. I was thinking about this as I was driving home last night. It was the IAGG's 6th anniversary show and it was, of course, very good. I've been going to that for a couple of years now and I can remember not too long ago when people didn't get big laughs as easily. I'm expecting to laugh so I do. I'm not saying that these people aren't good, they are. There's been quite a change over just the last two years where suddenly now whenever I turn around there's an amazing new group. But sometimes I don't want to laugh. I'm kind of getting sick of laughing. I want something to surprise me. Maybe even shock me out of complacency. There was a moment during a Vaudville with a Pig set where Jen Scott started crying because she was rejected and for a moment, I actually thought she was crying. It was awesome. I totally didn't expect it. I even sucked my breath in. Jill Bernard did that once too when she was a being a little kid locked in a school room over night and started to become scared. It was mesmerizing. Maybe my brain is still frozen. Why is it so fucking cold still? I had the windows open over the weekend and I still had to have a blanket over me. I could have closed the windows but it's May and the windows are supposed to be open. I had better stop forcing what I think should be and just deal with what is. Like my cold. I have a cold right now. It started Thursday afternoon and it hasn't gone away yet. Maybe if I go home and take some Robitussin DM I'll have a vision and then everything will be clear when I wake up.