The End is Near

This PunchOut! thing is really starting to get out of hand. I think the members of Ferrari McSpeedy and Five Man Job should take it easy on shredding each other. I don't think they realize the affect it's having on the rest of society. You think I'm kidding?

School children are fighting on the playground over this matchup. Not to be outdone by school children, the Crips have aligned with Ferrari McSpeedy (claiming some kind of kinship with Chicagoans) and have now taken to angry outbursts while the Vice Lords are backing Five Man Job and mime a lot.

This goes beyond just odd human behavior. The Cat is crouched under the couch, shaking, refusing to come out. Interspecies breeding is occurring in my own backyard between rabbits and squirrels. Mules are demanding to be turned back into a horse or donkey and birds are refusing to fly.

Jay-Z and Beyonce are on the skids thanks to Dan's boyish good looks and his familiarity with rap music, Britney's gaining weight, and Whitney's hittin' the powder again. Okay well those last two things were bound to happen anyway.

People, I don't think you realize how serious this is. Just yesterday I saw Lefty, the now three-legged white giant poodle across the street, sporting a red streak in his fur. People are mowing "Ferrari" or "McSpeedy" or in the smaller neighborhoods, "FM" in their lawns. People donning beads and bangles all over themselves are tossing Molotov cocktails on these freshly mowed lawns. This could end up costing Minneapolis, and possibly St. Paul, millions of dollars in reconstruction.

I swear I saw Osgood mouth the words "Fucking Fotis! I hate that guy!" last night as the Penguins scored on his sorry ass (I'm referring to Detroit's miserable loss in the Stanley Cup finals). Even in my own behaviour, I find myself crying over every little thing and wondering when the world will end. Hmm, I think those two things were bound to happen also.

Can I even make it to Friday in one piece? Can the world make it to Friday without destroying itself? This is gut-check time people. Brace yourselves, buy extra water and toilet paper, hug your children, and pray that everything will end okay.