Here I am with 9 minutes to go before official start-time to my work day but I have a lot to type out about this weekend so I guess I'm going to be late. Yes, I know where my priorities are.
If you weren't able to attend the 2nd annual Twin Cities Improv Festival this weekend, don't worry - you have about 350 days until the next one. While I missed the first night, I made up for it over the next three nights by catching three shows on Friday, one workshop and one show on Saturday, then wrapping it up with the last show on Sunday.
I signed up for the Beginning Improv workshop with Charna Halpern and went through the usual schitzo thoughts beforehand only this time I wrote them down for your reading pleasure.
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Saturday, June 28th - before workshop:
I spent the morning going back and forth again. I then decided to shift into auto pilot and just go. I am now a robot: up...shower...makeup...cat food & water level check (good)...leave windows open which will facilitate the flooding of water into may abode later on when it rains...get into car...push button..reverse, now forward...park...order...write...eat. See? Easy when you do it his way.
Pretty soon the time will just fly and before I know it, it'll be over and I can go home. I left early thinking that with Pride and all, I'd have difficulty parking but this has also allowed me to get a breakfast that someone else prepares for me and also gives me time to second-guess myself.
I can still decide to turn and run the other way. Then I picture Jill Bernard getting mad at me and I get scared. I also picture Butch doing his purse-lips/turn-head/show-disappointment-in-eyes that makes me feel like a real idiot and I hate that feeling so I think I've successfully guilted myself into going. That and reminding myself of the times I've wussed out in the past: there was the time John Haynes taught the mini-course (5 sessions) at the U of M which I paid for but then never went; the time Jenzie and Brian Kisch were auditioning for classes and which I again had contacted John Haynes about trying out for also but...guess what...never went, and then the half-assed attempt at completing the Sketch Writing class but that was more than half-assed, it was more like three-quarters assed because I missed only two classes out of eight because I started to get scared of reading my stuff out loud. There is the very real factor of lack of funds to take a lot of these classes but I know my spending habits - if I really wanted to do it, I'd be okay with being poorer.
The guilt is creeping back up again. These festival people have worked hard to get Charna here and what if I took the spot of someone else who really wanted to get in and is going to be the next John Belushi and by ducking out, I'm ruining several people's days and possibly lives? That's a pretty good guilt trip.
So now it's 11am and I'm stuffed to the gills with food. I hope that doesn't turn out to be a big mistake. I wanna go home. I have to mow my lawn. I have to work on my bodice. I've been too taxed lately. I need to rest. Okay, now I'm seriously nervous. I can feel that familiar butterfly effect in my stomach, I hope the hash browns stay down. I want to go home and read Zora Hurston. Other people are walking by and looking all relaxed in sweats carrying coffee like a usual Saturday morning and I'm obsessing in my car listening to Freddie Mercury and David Bowie sing about pressure...are they mocking me?
11:20am...ugh, I want to throw up, it'll make my stomach feel better but I'll have bad breath. The butterflies are moving up my esophagus to my throat. If you let me go home now, I'll promise to practice belly dancing all day, I'll finish my cudgel and I'll call my mom, I promise, really. I'll rollerblade everywhere, anything to get out of getting out of the car in 10 more minutes.
See, this is why I can't take a 10-week session, I can't go through this every week, I'll get an ulcer. I need to do my nail, I need to wash my windows. I just need to look at it like tattooing, just think about how happy I'll be when it's over and I'll get some ice cream. Here I go.
Saturday, June 28th - after:
I don't feel like ice cream but I'm still glad it's over. I got a lot of great information out of it and a reminder that I have extreme stage fright. It's the actual, physical stage that I'm scared of. Being up higher than everyone, in the middle, with the light on me...terrifying. The Ren Faire is totally different. It's much easier to be in among the crowd. I know people say that the whole place is a stage and in a sense it is, but I have confidence with a group of people around me. I don't want to be above them, I want to be in with them. I'm also in garb which makes me into a different person. When patrons see me, they don't really have a specific expectation, they expect the unexpected. When wearing my usual clothes and being me, people expect certain things which I have had some trouble reconciling for many years now.
I know that I didn't perform well but I knew that going in. My goal in taking the workshop was to get a better understanding of the mechanics, how things the individuals do can all be woven together. Charna was good with a lot of things like talking fast but especially honing in on the source of the problems. I had a scene where me and my partner were supposed to be landing on a new planet but only one person could be the first one out and we were to decide who that would be. There was the point where my partner was going to let me be the first one out but I wasn't going out the door. For some reason I thought that it wasn't the right thing to do because then everything would end. Charna stopped me and said "you're afraid to move forward". Now I found this to be profound because she could have said the more obvious "you're afraid to go out of the door" but she broadened it to "moving forward". I realized that yes, I do that all the fucking time. Moving forward can sometimes really suck. It's not that I want order or control so much, I just want something I can count on for a few months. No more bad surprises, sudden changes, leaves of absence, strategic positioning...just set some goals and/or point in the future and let me enjoy each moment as it is instead of worrying about when the other shoe is going to drop.
I now have some points in the future, specifically The Onion Writers show I'm seeing next and then the party at CC's where I will imbibe in a refreshment or two...as long as I don't have to go on stage to get it.
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While there were many parts to enjoy and a few to freak out over, the most enjoyable was a moment on Saturday early evening, around 5:30pm. I came back from eating after the workshop and just chilled in the BNW lobby with some popcorn, sitting on the cushy bench watching people mill around. It had stopped raining and the sun was shining through the front windows. There weren't a lot of people around which was kind of nice because things were sedate, like the calm before the next storm. As I looked around I thought about how fucking amazing it was that someone would conceive the idea for a whole extended weekend of stuff at a cool location, invite some really talented people who responded and showed up, a great audience also showed up, and it all came together. Of course, the way I just said it makes it sound easy which I know it wasn't. At times, seeing the BNW/TCIF crew at work was like watching an ant farm. Everyone knew what to do and where they were supposed to be, went there and directed all of us other ants as to where to go, where to line up, and oh, here's your drink.
Only some 350 days or so to go until the next ant farm.
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