Thank you and good night.

It’s what I feel like doing right now.  That would be collapsing, not reading.  Quite a lot of energy was expended walking to/from work and shoveling that GODT….DAMNED….DRIVEWAY!  My lower back doth protest too much. 

Sometimes I question why I bother trying to follow the rules.  I am definitely a Walter rather than a Donny or a Dude.  I’m just going to go with some ab work and then sleep.  That’s my rule for the evening, I’m following it and no one can fucking stop me.

Good Day, Sunshine

Oh sunny day.  Well, warmer day anyway.  For a few moments this afternoon, it honestly felt noticeably warmer.  I mean warmer like I had visions of lawns and lakes and jazz floating through my head. 

The other thing that was nice about today was taking a class from my former teacher again.  That brought back memories of when I always tried to do my best in class, as if I was performing right then and there.  By coincidence, after class I read a quote online from someone insisting on calling himself Jim Norton who stated (to paraphrase) life is not a rehearsal.  We shouldn't just kind of call-it-in for a while always thinking that at some point in the future we’ll put this rehearsal to use.  It’s all really right now and every chance you get to do any activity that pleases you, you should do it.  I would add to that to not only do it, but do it to the best of your ability.  That’s something I didn't do during my last official performance and I feel bad about wasting people’s time.  They could have done something else with that 4 minutes but they chose to spend it watching me and I didn't give them the best I could do. 

Right now, I can only think of the Skinny Cow mint ice cream sandwich in my freezer.  I’m going to go eat it to the best of my ability.

On to the next year

I have now commenced with my 44^th year.  Having finished 43 successfully (and I’ll measure success by still being alive and not in prison) then perhaps I shouldn’t try to fix something that’s not broken.  But something feels like it’s broken. 

 I feel like I need to figure things out, make decisions and then act, but I’m not sure if that sounds stupid.  Maybe I should stop making lists.  That may be too drastic.  I could list the pros and cons of not making lists and see how I feel about it and then revisit that decision in a few months.  Woohoo, taking action at it’s best.

I watched “The Big Chill” last night and secretly wished I could make everything all better by bringing a group of people together that I’ll pretend I was great friends with to share a weekend in a private house with a big kitchen and smoke dope all weekend.  I’m sure by Sunday afternoon, everything would be back in order. 

I was realizing last night how I am no longer good at the things I used to be good at.  It used to be that I could sit in front of a piano after years of not sitting in front of a piano and in only a few minutes, play just as well as I ever could.  I haven’t played in a while, but I’m scared to now after coming back to the oboe.  The oboe isn’t as easy as I remember.  I’m a hypocrite.  I preach practice but yet don’t when no one is looking. 

I should be of an age where I should stop feeling pressure from other areas.  I’m a little too much like my mother.  There is a very real need for me to stop freaking out and building up anger.  There is also a need for me to relinquish control over every aspect.  I have a plan, a redundancy protocol, and several backup plans.  That should be enough.  Telling the truth about what I’m thinking is also enough.  No need to paint different pictures or frame things for other audiences. 

Speaking of pictures, I hauled myself out of work specifically for the purpose of catching this view for posterity.  I also hauled myself out to avoid being mugged.    

 

 

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