Um, One More Thing

I shouldn’t get married, men drive me crazy. I don’t mean that in a bad way, but it really is true. I have no idea how to communicate with them. I’ll compose one phrase in my head but it comes out of my mouth in another way. I don’t know how that happens. I don’t know how to present myself to them. I over analyze everything that occurs when I’m around them. I don’t know how to flirt. I’m not kidding when I shyly look away, I really am shy. I get suddenly embarrassed and I’m not certain what I’m supposed to do next. No literally, what is the next move? Do I keep eye contact or am I supposed to smile? Am I supposed to say something? I have no idea. I think my fate is sealed now. I think it’s too late to learn new tricks.

Don’t misunderstand, I know HOW to do things meaning that I understand how to work my vocal chords in tandem with my mouth muscles to form words and I could describe all facets and definitions of sex to an alien well enough that the being would have a mental picture of it, but it’s one thing to describe it and another to be able to intuit when one move is done and another move should begin. It’s the transitions that I don’t understand. At what point do you go from just standing there to kissing? Watching movies is no good, their cues are in the script. It’s like watching a flock of geese swimming around on a lake and then suddenly something happens where they all take off into the air. I sat there once for almost an hour trying to see that one little cue that tipped them all off. I never saw it. How did they all know to start flying at the same time?!

I feel like there’s a part missing in my head, like I’m short circuited. I’m missing a slot on my motherboard. My imprinting was interrupted by violence at a crucial stage. Man, I wish I could put the blame on that but I can’t. It’s just me. Once you become an adult, you can’t blame your current actions on your past.

I want to skip over the transitions and jump right into having the comfortable, slightly messy TV room which is different from the living room, where you’re sacked out in front of the TV after dinner on one of the big comfy chairs with one kid on the computer and the other kid on the phone and your hubby across the big, wooden coffee table laying in the short, overly soft loveseat, with his feet hanging out over the edge, both of you making one-liners every now and then based on whatever bullshit flashes across the TV screen at any given time.

My friend had that. I used to love to come over and watch America’s Next Top Model with her and her daughter while the son was at the computer NOT doing homework and the hubby was kind of watching with us but kind of not but still making one-liners every now and then based on whatever bullshit Tyra was putting on the screen at any given time. She’s getting a divorce now. I didn’t see that transition at all either.

Fuck it, when does Spring get here? No really, when does Spring get here?

Um, One Thing

Can someone please take down the billboard on 36th Ave. and Lake St. - the one where Sven Sundgaard is eating pie? It's disturbing. It's for Dining Out For Life thingy on April 24th and since that date has come and gone, I'd like the billboard to do the same thing.

I'm sick of looking for mittens in the morning so I'd like the weather to go with the billboard.

I really don't think I'm asking too much here.

Hassenphefer Anyone?

There are a plethora of rabbits inhabiting Minneapolis right now. Driving home late Saturday night, there was a pack of them in the middle of 32nd Str. and 31st. Ave. They were all crowded around a little table with scrolls looking to be deeply engaged in debate. There are always at least two hanging around my backyard which doesn't mean good things for my future carrots and beats.

I think we should release some lynx and cougars back into their historical native locations, whether there's a city there or not. It would take care of those conniving rabbits and it may also affect the crime rate. I'd release The Cat since he kills everything with fur, but he'd probably drop the carcasses off at my doorstep and want to play with them for awhile.

I missed Friday's Punch Out because I had tickets for Saturday's main stage show and in this time of a slowing economy, both cannot be afforded at once. I figured Saturday would be good since you actually get three shows in one if you go to the 10pm show. I somehow keep getting seated in the same area but I keep missing the flying water which always hits the people sitting next to me instead. The two women who took it in the face last Saturday didn't come back after intermission, unless they sat in different seats. I also threatened a performer. I didn't mean to, it's not how I had planned it at all. It just fell out of my mouth. Sometimes that happens. I guess Penn is right, sometimes I'm a little too mean. Sorry.

Sunday I came down with a craving for a chili dog. Wow, is that one messy food item. I wonder if hotdogs have tryptophan in them because I took a two hour nap after eating it. You'd think that I wouldn't be all that tired by the time I had to actually go to bed but I still was. In fact, I slept through the alarm this morning. Good thing The Cat jumped on my stomach. They have some amazing sensory perception to be able to blindly hit some of your most vulnerable areas.

I don't mean to upset anyone but I swear I'm seeing a few snowflakes outside my window right now. Ugh.

Hang On, It's Almost the Weekend

No, don't turn the furnace off yet.

I need money so I applied for a PT cashier position at Lund's on Ford Parkway; mainly because it's close but also because the discount on groceries that will hopefully be a part of the benefits package will really be handy. It'll be like making even more money since I'll be spending less on food. Since my appetite isn't decreasing, this is the only way to lower expenses.

Lunds/Beyerly's has an online application process which includes a 100-question personality assessment. There were four options to each question: Strongly Agree, Agree, Disagree, and Strongly Disagree. I was distressed with the instructions to take it quickly and not stop to think too long about any one question. I tried to follow the instructions but 100 questions is a lot. I started getting irritated after awhile and could be heard to sigh loudly. I can see where some of the questions would apply to the service industry but others, I don't know.
"Do you enjoy listening to other people talk about themselves?"
"Do you have thoughts of killing your mother?"
"Do you criticize someone for making a small mistake?"
"Have you ever wanted to kill your mother?"
"Do you fake being polite?"
"Have you ever planned your mother's death?"
"Are you sure?"
"What if we triple-dog-dared you to kill your mother?"
"Do you find people annoying?"
I just answered Strongly Agree to everything. I should be fine.

The afternoon was occupied with the debate over whether to hold an election for a 12-seat committee which currently has 11 nominees. When it was pointed out that this situation in no way requires an election, the response was "if you don't, people in the college will think that there was backroom maneuvering to get these people on the committee."

If we were handing out blank checks or if you even got paid for being on the committee, I could understand the concern but there is no gain personally, professionally and definitely not financially other than the satisfaction of attempting to be of service to your co-workers.

The committee hasn't actually done anything. There isn't enough left-over motivation or time because there are too many other changes going on that occupy most of out time.
"Everyone for professional development?" Yes.
"Great, can you put something together?" No.
"Could you attend something if someone else put it together?" No.
Okay then. See you at the next meeting.

I wrapped up the workday by attending the awards ceremony held by the Women's Leadership Institute. Given that all of the people standing at the podium have had extensive experience with a podium, I was amused to see that none of the women could put the microphone in the correct place for their height. I tried to think of a joke about the sexual reference associated with the phrase "speak into the mic" but it was brought to a screeching halt when Dr. Stephanie Valberg dedicated her award to her recently deceased daughter.

Although the ceremony was concluded with a quote from Oprah, I'm willing to overlook that because they served good desserts.

Here's a quote from Zora Hurston's "Dust Tracks on a Dirt Road" which I happen to really like:
"People are prone to build a statue of the kind of person that it pleases them to be. And few people want to be forced to ask themselves 'What if there is no me like my statue?' The thing to do is to grab the broom of anger and drive off the beast of fear."

There is a certain mode of communication at the U most often utilized by people with no advertising budget but yet feel that what they have to say is extremely important; it's the sidewalk chalk board. This is where all of the candidates for various student body offices will plant their names into your subconscious as well as telling you where and when to vote. The Born-agains will relay their messages from god and the Treehuggers will encourage you to take action.

Yesterday morning, a new group added their message into the mix. I'm not exactly sure what it is their trying to tell me, but apparently there is a being called "cockzilla" on the loose and looks exactly as it sounds - the lower body of godzilla but the neck and head represent the male genitalia except with teeth and little tyrannosaurus arms. It's a shame because I think this rain is going to wash away cockzilla before I can learn what it's mission is.

I watched Coffee and Cigarettes last night which Netflix was kind enough to send me. It's a collection of conversations between actors over, guess what, coffee and cigarettes. It's filmed in black and white and there is always some type of checkered pattern on the set; either the table is checkered, or the floor, or the cups, you get the idea. I didn't really like it immediately but it's starting to grow on me now, kind of like Fargo did.

There were about ten different scripted vignettes but with some of them, I'm not sure how much was actually written and how much was improvised. The first one with Steven Wright and Roberto Benigni looked like they may have just been given an idea and went from there. Roberto Benigni is absolutely adorable.

My favorite was with Alfred Molina and Steve Coogan. A very close second was Iggy Pop and Tom Waits' scene. Iggy is really good at rolling his eyes. I've never heard Tom Waits speak before. Now I want to hear his music. Does anyone have anything by Waits that I could borrow? I promise I won't break it. I would go into more detail about the movie but I don't want to ruin it for anyone. That and I don't want to bore you.

Now I've bored myself. I'm off to mooch coffee off of someone.

This just in...and funnier than hell

Ritchie Sambora has been charged with two DUI's. Gee, who coulda seen that comin'?