Mirth is King

Can't sleep....again.

2012-01-18T08:23:00.003-06:00

I recognize this restless feeling while trying to fall asleep, it means I have to get up for awhile and figure out what's bugging me.

My birthday is coming up - which I think is the real sleep-stealing culprit here - and I've been thinking a lot lately about dreams. I, like every other kid everywhere, had many fantastical dreams. Very action-oriented, specific, with location, costuming, set-design, colors, people, etc. For instance...

I wanted to be a Solid Gold dancer. Not just a Solid Gold dancer, but THE dancer, Darcel. It didn't matter that I was the wrong color, I wanted that hair and that strength, that arch in my back, those "lines" as their called. I liked the idea of arriving at a studio in comfy yet trendy clothes and warming up in a cold room.

I also wanted to be a pianist...in New York. Not just so I could play piano, but so that I could whisk between a cab and a theater door as if it's just a few minutes before the time I'm scheduled to be there, never late though.

I then wanted to be a chemist because of all the pretty crystal-like structures I saw while watching "Superman" in the school library from a top-loading VCR player. I went home and pretended that my electric curlers were little vials of stuff. This dream later morphed into becoming a chemical engineer after I read an article in 1989 about the highest paying positions (chemical engineer was at the top).

The Cat is restless too. He usually doesn't meow at me this much or try to kill my foot that's hidden under the blankets. He usually tries that in the morning when I'm tyring to oversleep.

That reminds me, I used to dream of having a pet tiger. Not a Bengal tiger, although they're the prettiest; I wanted the biggest - a Siberian. It would jump around the living room on the unrealistic sectional sofa while I wore this super cute thermal underwear set that was black with thin colored lines that I saw in a Yougn Miss layout when I was in 7th grade (I told you, set- design, etc.)

Sometimes I would get a little vague about a main idea but really nail the details, like the dream about being AN ADULT with a job during daylight hours where I wore my favorite pink sweater to work and had my hair braided down my back and lived in my house (my parents, of course, had long moved out) that was filled with bean bags and really large floor pillows. I don't know where the tiger was at this point.

Fast-forward to today; I have Darcel's hair and have received a "very strong" comment on my dancing, I'm not an official pianist but I can make my computer keyboard sing and while I never "whisk", I am never late; I don't own that super cute thermal set but I have about 5 different other super cute thermal sets (sometimes it's as if Victoria Secret reads my mind!) and I often jump around my living room with my orange tabby cat. Please refrain from calling me a crazy cat lady because I only have one and he's way better at catching mice than I am. I guess, in a way, my dreams did come true.

I better think up some new ones so when I can't flall asleep when I'm 80, I"ll have something to ponder.

WARNING: Do not read this while eating...

2012-01-03T12:39:00.004-06:00

Today’s headlines seem to be all about last year’s headlines. I was trying to find something fun to write about while eating my chicken chow mein lunch. Unfortunately, my lunch contains one piece of chicken that looks as if it may have some feather residue on it. The problem with this, among so many obvious problems, is that I work for a center that studies influenza, including Avian influenza. What initially makes me apprehensive about digesting this particular piece of chicken is my gut reaction to catching H5N1 from eating this…oh, and that feathers taste yucky.

Having a moment to sit back, I’m able to calmly remember that H5N1 (like all influenza strains) is transmitted from the virus being transported out of the human carrier into the new victim’s eyes, nose or throat via saliva or mucus (Isn’t this fun meal-eating reading material?) Birds tend to store the virus in their guts. I’m not attempting to eat the gut so therefore, my possibly feathered chicken will not transmit the H5N1 virus…if it had it to begin with. None of this is getting through to my stomach which is currently rejecting the possibility of this item entering its boundaries.

I’ve also worked in a soil and plant testing lab and have specifically worked on feathers. Feathers are tested for chemical properties by first being ground up into dust-like particles. I can tell you that it takes a long time to grind up feathers into dust-like particles. I further know that the chemical make-up of feathers includes pretty colors like magnesium, sodium, calcium and iron. Following this logic, if I were to go ahead and force down the chicken, it’d be like taking a daily supplement. My stomach is still not buying it.

I have eaten the veggies and little hard noodles and actually some chicken. I just can’t get myself to eat the rest of the chicken. I’m really glad I have an emergency container of soup in my filing cabinet. That and there’s a few Christmas cookies left in the copy room.

Shoot, the soup is chicken with stars.

And the listing goes to....

2012-01-02T21:15:00.000-06:00

I have arrived at a conundrum in my life – whom to list as an emergency contact. I’m the one that’s usually contacted in an emergency. I can’t list one definitive person to contact in an emergency because it depends on the emergency. Let me give you a few examples.

I work at the U of M (East Bank). If you’ve ever had to even drive through the East Bank, you may have an idea of how hard it is to find parking. I have a really good idea of how hard it is to find parking. Thanks to a combination of Minneapolis’ finest and some possibly shady towing companies, I have a much better understanding of street laws that we all tend to forget the second after we pass our drivers tests. I have fractured a few of these street laws, some of which have led to what may or may not be legal tows. This has been somewhat of an emergency in the past depending on what my future schedule is. I have called a neighbor, my mother, a friend, and once was lucky enough to catch a co-worker before she left her office. I don’t feel right listing the neighbor, the friend, or the co-worker as an emergency contact on my passport. If I’m detained in Thailand for any reason or have a heart attack on an airplane, I couldn’t imagine that those three people would be able to do much about it. If my mother were called, she would need more help than I would and that’s just with driving directions.

When I was in 8th grade, I broke a piece off of my foot bone while working on a new dismount on the uneven parallel bars. My mother was called for this emergency and my brother also showed up because he was in the gym just down the hallway with the rest of his wrestling teammates. My spotter, who would go on to be an outstanding member of the N. Minneapolis police dept., joked around because they were in the same class and I was an easy target being dizzy and all from those deep breaths everyone kept telling me to take. I think they just wanted to see me dizzy. This was a pretty easy emergency contact listing since one usually doesn’t have any choice when in school. They don’t ask you for an emergency contact, they ask you who your parents/guardians are and write down that information, assuming that these people will be able to step into any situation and get you out of it. Come to think of it, that’s a pretty big assumption.

I stepped on a nail in my garage two years ago and I didn’t call anyone. I drove myself to Urgent Care, which isn’t open that early on a Sunday so one is forced to go to the emergency room. I was a bit torn on this one because I’m not certain it was an emergency but it was “a gusher” and I couldn’t get the image of the rust from the nail breaking off into my blood stream, floating up to my head and making my brain explode. Both the doctor and nurse were incredibly handsome. That’s too off-point though, sorry.

Last January, I agreed to go in to the hospital for a week for a video monitoring session recommended by my neurologist to see if seizure activity could be captured and recorded. This wasn’t an emergency, it was voluntary and planned for ahead of time. What I learned from this is that I don’t necessarily need people for emergencies, I need people for things I can plan ahead for. I needed someone to check on The Cat and take in my mail. Mail should be taken in because that’s a beacon to any potential burglars who may be staking out the joint. It also pisses off the mail carriers when the box gets too full to put more mail into. The Cat has to be looked after because he’s a living entity that requires food and water. I can dump a bunch of food into a bowl and provide enough water with those cool bottle contraptions to last a week, but The Cat also requires human contact. As far as cats are concerned, he’s quite the hard ass. Where humans are concerned, he needs love and attention every day. My neighbor (a different one from the towing neighbor) graciously agreed to cover this for me.

These past experiences have all led me to this point in time. I have to list an emergency contact at work, oddly for the same reason we had to list someone when we were 10. I also have to write one in on my passport. Not only am I trying to decide whom to write down, I am trying to decide if I even need to write anyone down at all.

If I end up in the hospital yet am conscious and have full mental capacity (at least as much as I currently have) then the person I would want to contact is my neighbor so she can take care of The Cat. If I am unconscious and the medical staff needs my medical history, they’ll have it in the computer system and I usually don’t step outside without having my ID on me so even if I end up on the shores of the Mississippi, they’ll be able to get to my medical records. I’d still need the neighbor to watch The Cat but I’d also need her to contact my supervisor so I don’t get fired for three no-call/no-shows in a row. If I don’t have my ID on me, then it won’t matter who I list because they won’t know where to look to find my emergency contact information. If I’m held in detention at the Mexican border, I’m going to need the neighbor for supervisor alert, The Cat, and to also grab my checkbook kept in my house to work on transferring funds down to pay off the policia. That settles it then, I’m going with the neighbor.

This little exercise has proven to be quite enlightening. It’s interesting to find out what you’d really categorize as an emergency. Gee, I hope I’m not forgetting anything.

I'm sure this is the start of something big

2012-01-02T08:42:00.002-06:00

2011 gave me my first Vikings game…and my last Vikings game. It’s not a reflection of my feelings towards the Vikings; rather, it is a reflection on my feelings towards Vikings fans. I don’t like being that close to people for three hours. Unless I’m offered a box seat or a front row seat between the 30 yard lines or the end zones, I’m not going to drop that much money on one plastic seat.

I have to admit though, the people-watching can be fun. At yesterday's Bears/Vikings game, there were several families that were split over loyalties. One family in front of me consisted of one boy who was a Bears fan and one little girl who was a Vikings fan. The little girl had a lavendar, purple and yellow tulle tutu on so she definitely won the fashion contest over her brother who only donned a Bears t-shirt and stocking hat.

At the beginning of the game, the mother had them stand together for a picture. Brother dutifully put his arm around his sister and they both sported very pleasant smiles. At half-time, mom had them get together for another picture and this time, positioned the brother (still with his arm around his sister) to stand up taller with his shoulders out like he had just been drafted, and positioned the sister next to him with her shoulders slumped as if she was about to start crying. Even her tutu was turned down. It was really cute. Not quite worth $300 though, so in the future I will remain in my living room (or someone's living room) and watch the game on a comfy couch and hope that a camera man picks up a cute scene like that in the future. If not, I'll go to the kitchen for a free sandwich.

Enough about 2011, let’s talk about 2012. A few things I’ve already decided to do are: one, practice more; two, read more Shakespeare (yes, again!); and three, take a real vacation. “Practice what?” you say? Everything. Practice everything. Okay, not everything. I already know how to do the dishes really well so I don’t need to practice that. I’m also really good at mowing my lawn so there’s another thing I don’t have to worry about. The piano and oboe on the other hand, those I should worry about. While I don’t own a piano (I’ve been offered but I can’t fit it in my house) I do own a keyboard which has almost a full piano keyboard. It doesn’t have all of the bass keys though so I can’t play many Elton John songs.

My mother bought me an oboe two years ago during a holiday sale. I’ve only played it a few times since then. Oddly, I’m looking forward to the pain and follow-up numbness of my embrasure for hours or weeks…whatever it takes.

Dancing is another thing I’ll have to practice because spring session classes are not in the budget. I’ve been through enough classes now where I should be able to keep the intensity level up on my own for a while.

Shamefully, I also need to practice writing. I used to be much better at it, but just like everything else, if you don’t do it enough, you are not as good at it. My performance level at this particular task will need to improve. I can see now that I’m going to need to buy more legal pads. While I am a fast typist, I’m too easily distracted when I hop on the computer. I’ll need to have my ducks in a row before I log on so that I can just type it out and then go google the latest sports news. Speaking of sports, I need to get back to this game….

Lest you get too comfortable....

2011-11-24T21:25:00.003-06:00

At the end of this glorious day, I am always reminded of the words of my immortal grandmother...."It's disGUSTing how we eat like gluttons like this every year!!" Thanks grandma, now not only am I physically uncomfortable, I'm emotionaly uncomfortable.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Let me tell you what you can do with that gravy...

2011-11-22T07:45:00.001-06:00

I’ve said this before, but I feel like saying it again. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. No gifts. Well, kind of no gifts. I spend more on Thanksgiving than I do on Christmas (dried cherries are expensive and oddly, cranberries aren’t cranberries without cherries) but I’m also more confident that people will like what I’ve spent the money on.

If you haven’t made a turkey before, you wouldn’t believe how easy it is. That’s what the advertisers are counting on; that you think it’s hard so you’ll buy all this specialized crap to go with preparing this one bird this one day of the year. All you really need is salt, butter, some oranges and something that can be used to tie two knobby legs together.

The only thing that is tricky is the timing and that will depend on how much extra stuff you want to make and your day job. I go absolutely ape-shit over side dishes. I have no less than seven sides that I feel must accompany the caged, injected, oiled-up bird. I’m not going to tell you what they are because I want you to be surprised if you ever come over.

Other highlights of the holiday include football and then football…and pie.

The one thing I hate about this holiday is gravy. I HATE GRAVY. Always have, always will. I hate eating it, I hate smelling it, I hate looking at it, and I most certainly hate making it. I hate the stupid custom dish it has to be in. That stupid dish never fits into the hutch just right, you always have to move other dishes around and then the aesthestics are all off. Gravy ruins fung shui.

Gravy has stupid sayings too, like “It’s all gravy”. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??? Are they implying that gravy is easy? It’s not. You have to remember to add all this crap to the bottom of the roasting pan and then pour that little amount of liquid out of that big, heavy roasting pan into another one of the advertisers specialized pieces of crap to skim the fat off of the top which is replaced with more fat and some flour and then wisked in back in the huge roasting pan and then it has to be poured into the stupid fung shui-ruining dish and served right away because it sucks if it gets cold.

My potatoes are so stunning that they don’t need gravy. None of my life needs gravy. I have worked everything out so that I never have to utter the words “please pass the gravy”. I am the 1% that doesn’t need any goddamn gravy.

You can join me. We can increase to 2% and then maybe 10%. Take that first step, refuse to buy the fat skimmer. Next, throw out the gizzard and neck. Then, when you’ve gotten the proper amount of rest and have eaten three nutritious meals, bypass the package of gravy mix and the ready-to-eat gravy in a jar. You have to be at your peak condition to master this last step. This involves not only passing up a few food items, this involves changing the precepts of society.

You can do it. I believe in you. Just keep saying to yourself “NO FUCKING GRAVY!” Put gouda and heavy cream in the potatoes instead. You’ll thank me for it. Colors start to look brighter, aromas are more intense, laughter of children is more enjoyable with no gravy in your life. We can have a world with no gravy; a world with balanced china hutches and no stains on the table clothes (It’s always the gravy). It’s a glorious world I can see and I want you to join me in it. We’ll procreate and raise an entire community that knows nothing of gravy! Gravy-devouring countries will bow before us. WE SHALL RULE THE WORLD!

Okay, I gotta go boil the wild rice…

When I was young, we had to sit there and hold our broken bone until it healed...

2011-11-08T19:40:00.002-06:00

So Dominique Barber broke his foot and the technical term is Lisfranc fracture where all the metatarsals are displaced from the tarsus and I know that’s right because it’s on Wikipedia and it reminds me of my friend Linda’s fracture but anyway I was noticing that Mr. Barber had a red cast on but then allegedly changed it to blue and white which I have to admit left me speechless for a moment as I pondered how that could be possible since a cast is supposed to be super protective and should then be not easily taken off OR CHANGE COLORS so where does he get off being able to change colors like that or even get to HAVE colors in the FIRST PLACE unlike his predecessors like me who have broken my foot although not the tarsus unless my tarsus is located on the side of my foot where that bump is which it is not so it was my talus bone that I broke which is close to tarsus but only in spelling and which my doctor at the time gleefully referred to as my “foot bone!” and put a plain white plaster cast on it leaving only my toe nails poking out thank goodness because I could at least still paint my nails and impress my seemingly easily-impressed doctor but by not telling me the correct medical term I was forced to say that I broke my "foot bone!” instead of getting to say “talus” but that wouldn’t have changed the color of my cast but it does lead me to wonder if a red cast itches a lot because a white one sure does and I know my doctor told me not to stick anything down there to scratch no matter how much it itched but I think it had been some time since he had his own plain white cast on and forgot how absolutely annoying that little itch can be so when no one was looking I grabbed my mom’s canister of knitting needles where there were a ton to choose from and I first reached for the pretty pink metal ones but then I felt a little bad about using the pretty ones because she used those all the time so I grabbed the ugly plastic ones and rammed one of them down there where I was able to get really close to my itchy “foot bone!” but I got a little carried away with the motion and all of a sudden out of nowhere it broke WHILE STILL IN MY CAST which is just what my doctor told me would happen and I didn’t believe him but now there was evidence that he was right but I was still stuck with one broken plastic knitting needle in my cast and I began to panic has I imagined my foot turning gangrene just like my doctor said would happen if I stuck anything down there and then I imagined the look on my mother’s face when the cast came off yelling OH MY GOD and then THAT’S WHERE THAT NEEDLE WENT as the broken needle fell to the cold hard hospital floor and the doctor turning to grab the skill saw to saw off my foot since it was gangrene and just as I got to this point in my imagination I managed to grab hold of the little flat top edge of the stuck needle with its free partner and yank it out but not without leaving what felt like a long wide scratch on my leg that I was certain would turn gangrene so I was damned if I did and damned if I didn’t but all was well when the cast finally did come off and there was no yelling or sawing or gangrene. Just a stupid white cast on the floor.

I'm going to have to tweet this....

2011-10-30T13:10:00.002-05:00

So, this whole social media thing still bugs me sometimes. People have loved to attribute incredible commendations to it when it’s played a part in movements like in Egypt, other Middle East and N. African countries. I guess if you’re in prison and you have access to a smart phone, it’d be great to let someone know you’re there to see if they can come and get you out.

To me, it seems that social media is currently having the same integrity issues that we had to deal with when the internet first came on the scene. When I started my college career, the internet didn’t exist. We had to go and sit in a mold-ridden library and page through little cards (while standing) to find the volume of a certain journal we needed and then, after searching through 50 articles, try to scrounge through our laundry coinage to find enough change to copy the pages we needed, and then walk home barefoot, uphill, through snow.

When I went through the second phase of my college career, the internet was up and running but many journals were still in the process of converting their entire libraries to online sources. The search engines were mostly adequate, but the keywords were hit and miss (at least you could sit while doing this). It didn’t take long for professors to get savvy about this and devote some substantial time to educate students on how to tell the difference between a reliable internet source and Wikipedia. You can now really get some good work done using internet sources.

Just when I get used to the idea that Satan doesn’t really live on the internet, along comes Facebook and Twitter. No, I do not want to tweet my thoughts to a news program to be recited in real time. A commentator just stated that tweets are “quick and to the point”, which is true, but many stated "facts" are unreliable, unsubstantiated, and simply untrue. Comments are posted at such a quick rate that I don’t understand how there’s time to do some fact-checking. It doesn’t take long to google a sentence and come up with what looks like a good article supporting your opinions, but how do you know that’s right? The reason why it takes so long to make scientific progress is because of the very definition of science - you have to replicate experiments to make sure the results are valid. This takes time. It should take time.

The pro of communicating strictly through electronic media is that you can hide from people. The con is that people can hide from you.

It allows me the luxury of taking on more projects because I can work on them in bits and pieces when I have time and then email results. The recipient can read them when they have time and then can respond to me when they have a moment. If that moment is 11:00pm, I would much rather get an email than a phone call. I hate the phone. Let’s not rehash that conversation.

Siri is what is really scaring me. Are we now going to ask a phone to answer questions only we can answer for ourselves? In a commercial, a guy asks Siri if he can walk to the hotel. If the man has legs and they are functional, then yes, he can walk to the hotel. Is Siri programmed to automatically know the weather conditions, the best route to the hotel, the amount of foot or automobile congestion, and then decide if this is the best option for this particular individual? I see this as a ripe opportunity for villains like Gargamel or Mojo Jojo to take over the world by instructing us to keep going straight instead of taking that left turn at Albuquerque. That might get me lost on my way to find this guy who can help me survive after the sun explodes in 2012.

Ring Ring! Are you going to answer that?

2011-10-17T09:13:00.001-05:00

I hate phones. Well, that’s not entirely true. I’ve always hated the phones I’ve owned. There are plenty of phones out there that I love, but I’ve never been fortunate enough to own them. When I was about 10, I remember going into the AT&T Bell store at Minnehaha Center (back when “Bell” was still attached to the AT&T brand). They used to have the coolest phones. There was one in a big, oval sea shell which I had planned on putting in my bathroom in my apartment in Manhattan (I had big dreams when I was 10, which included a red corvette). My favorite was the French-style phone. I think Katherine Chancellor had one on “The Young and the Restless”. I found one years later in a Hello Kitty store but the base was way to light and it would fling around everywhere whenever I tried to answer it. Plus, there was plumage wrapped around the receiver, which always stuck to my lip gloss.

The phones I owed always had a loud, horrid ring tone; never a pretty, dainty, pleasant one. It was a kind of ring that sounded like I was already being yelled at by the caller before I even answered. You may be thinking to yourself that now, in this modern era of choosing anything one wants for a ring tone, why haven’t I found a nice ring tone yet? Because I have the plan that doesn’t allow me to. In order to get the nice ring tones, you have to buy the large plans with tons of bells and whistles that I never use. I have the basic plan with 300 minutes per month (voice only) and I barely make it to the half-way mark. They’re not going to give a nice ring tone to someone who won’t hear it often enough.

Texting on the other hand…..I am starting to go off the deep end with texting. At first, I hated it because I don’t have a normal keyboard on my phone, it’s a number pad and trying to type words on a number pad is excruciating to someone who can type an average of 92 wpm on a normal keyboard. I didn’t like the general idea of texting because I thought it wasn’t personal enough. I was also a bit annoyed with others around me who would text while just standing at a bus stop. For some reason, this really really annoyed me. No one was looking around anymore. There was stuff happening all around, people to see, eyes to make contact with, squirrels to watch duke it out over a French fry out of a U of M garbage can, and no one was catching this great stuff.

A few things started to change my outlook. First, I realized how convenient a cell phone could be. I still needed a landline to let people into my building, but being able to call people while outside of my apartment was a feeling much like the first time I was allowed to stay home alone – total FREEDOM. If I had one while I was on jury duty, my spring break would have been a lot better.

Second, I realized how even much more freeing it was to be able to respond after having time to think through my answer and then type it out accordingly, which is a wonderful option for a stammerer to have.

So now I’m sold on texting. I want to do it all the time. I wish I would have come to this conclusion when picking out my service plan. I chose the voice only plan where texting was extra. Now, my texting charges make up the bulk of my bill.

I am currently in the interesting position of either upgrading my service plan (which will lock me in for 24 months), or finding a new phone and starting fresh. I’m considering getting a phone with a camera, so I can take pictures of squirrels duking it out over a French fry at a U of M garbage can. Seriously, you have to see that because it is hilARious!

So a new phone is probably in my future, but this leads me to another thought – am I setting myself up for a series of arguments and misunderstandings based on the content of my texts? What I think is funny and what others think is funny can sometimes be two TOTALLY different things.

There is a group of people who know me well enough to be able to understand my meaning, but I sometimes forget that there is a much larger group of people in the world who don’t. Lately, I’ve been forgetting this when I send emails at work and when I tweet. Or maybe they are laughing and I’m just not “seeing” it. That’s one big downfall with this worldwide communication change. You don’t have the immediate facial expression/reaction in a text message. Many times I really miss that. Emoticons are not a human face.

I believe I'll go with All Lacquered Up...

2011-10-05T13:09:00.003-05:00

So here I sit, in my backyard, on an October day that is still in the high ‘70’s. The only use I can find for this weather is that it helps dry my nail polish more quickly.

I’ve always loved to do my own nails. Having to go without for 47 days, once a year, is excruciating because I’ve convinced myself that men don’t want to hold hands with a woman who has dirty nails. So you’d think I’d be very happy to paint them again. I am, sort of.

Being able to paint them again means that fest is over for another ten months. Seven years ago, I didn’t know what this feeling was like. The end of fest meant that I took all of the pictures off of the wall, dusted them, put them back into the plastic bins in a very anal-retentive way (which is right down my alley) and then packed the plastic bins into the back of the huge automobile in a very anal-retentive way (again, no objections). I would then drive down the dirt road out to Highway 41, usually crying like a baby. Those tears were for the loss of an opportunity to experience the magic I saw outside of the booth every day. Wanting to be able to say that I knew those performers I saw out there, making people laugh, smiling all day long, even in rain.

Six years ago, I started a new tradition at this time of the year. I was granted the rare opportunity to be a part of what I had watched for seven years past (in case you’re confused with the counting at this point, I started working in a booth in 1999, then joined the cast and “worked” starting in 2006 through present. That’s where I get the seven years past [1999-2005] and seven years ago [2005] and six years ago [2006] and if you use numerology, you end up with the number 2, which has nothing to do with anything). Where was I? Oh yeah, six years ago, I started a new tradition of being able to come back on the day after and eat and laugh and pack up one more time with everyone. There would be the long fest/Minnesota good-byes, some tears, some inner thoughts of “Damn, I should have hooked up with him. Maybe next year”. There would then be a good week’s worth of depression. I never seem to appreciate at the time, how much I would miss the crowds of people, the impossibility of ever being alone except maybe in the privy, the inability to make a statement without someone else having a retort, until it’s gone and I’m suddenly surrounded by silence…and memories.

Every meal is empty without someone sitting next to me on a bench with a good portion of dust on our food. Every evening is just darkness without someone beside you, walking across a patch of land dotted with decrepit buildings and beautiful sunsets, with one hand on your pass, ready to show the people with yellow flags. Scotch never tastes as good as it does being poured out of someone’s belt into a dusty, dirty, small wooden chalice-shaped shot glass as people file by you to get to their cars, maybe wondering to themselves “I knew it, they all do drink here!”. I’m considering hiring Rich Shepardson to show up outside of my bedroom window every morning just to sing the last few bars of “Swing Low…”. That rattles my rib cage….in a good way. I’d like Rich to bring Neal Skoy with him to run into my tree trunk in my backyard.

I suddenly want one more chance to walk down the lane and mistakenly step on someone’s bit and feel really stupid for a few minutes until someone mistakenly does it to me. I want to walk in the parade while a pirate tries to snatch my glass out of my hand and I swing it carelessly about.

Making someone laugh is the best thing I could think to do for them. I feel silly giving people cards. Giving presents can be fun but it’s kind of fleeting. Getting them to laugh is priceless and everlasting. Having been on the receiving end during the lowest points in my life, I can tell you that it is priceless and everlasting. If anyone uses that statement against me at contract time, I’ll beat the hell out of you.

The kind of humor that is found at fest doesn’t always translate in the same way outside of fest. At least, the reaction isn’t as free. Your co-workers will correctly give disapproving head shakes because the employee manual says so, but I think that deep down inside, there is a guffaw lurking.

Finding the opportunity to be able to do this at this specific location is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that transcends management, ownership, parking conditions, and heat. I’ve met the most incredibly talented, generous, caring people, all of whom continue to let me be around them.

Mandy Patinkin, in a Princess Bride documentary, talked about what it meant to be a part of that movie. At the end of his statement, he tears up and tries to say, without his voice cracking, that “I never dreamed I’d get to be in a movie like this. I never have since and I guess you’re lucky in this life, if you ever get close to something like this.” I couldn’t agree more.

So now I will paint my nails and dream of what could be in another ten months.

Brian’s Song:

They are not long, the weeping and the laughter,
Love and desire and hate:
I think they have no portion in us after
We pass the gate.
They are not long, the days of wine and roses:
…Out of a misty dream
Our path emerges for awhile, then closes
Within a dream. (Earnest Dowson)

Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
As I foretold you, were all spirits and
Are melted into air, into thin air:
And, like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capp’d towers, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
As dreams are made on, and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep. (Shakespeare, The Tempest)

Juggling as a metaphor for life

2011-09-20T09:43:00.002-05:00

Question #1 - Guess who now has three balls with which she’s trying to keep two in the air at any given time? Me, that’s who. Yes, I proudly purchased three balls designed to withstand an adequate amount of use throughout varying environmental conditions over several years.

Question #2 – Guess what builds up quad muscles and helps to stretch out hamstrings? Learning how to juggle, that’s what (all that bending-over to pick up dropped balls.)

This is not my first attempt at learning how to juggle. I’ve read several online “manuals”, complete with drawings, on the subject. I’ve asked the MRF Juggling School plus several other free-lance MRF jugglers for the secret and hopefully quick+surefire method to learning how to juggle. I’ve even paid a guy $35 to learn how to juggle. A co-performer also paid the same guy $35 but it actually worked for him.

Here’s the part I have difficulty with: just exactly how am I supposed to catch these balls without looking where they’re going to land? Do you ever see a juggler looking down at his hands? No. I find this incredulous. How can you possibly know where these balls are going to land? You don’t! Sure, you can assume that they’ll land in your hands but you don’t KNOW that they’re going to land there. I could trust in differential and quadratic equations of trajectories and hope these are correct but how do I know they’re correct all the time? And further, which equation should I go with? What if Galileo was wrong?? WHAT IF HE WAS WRONG?? Then I’ll never catch those fucking balls!

There are far too many factors involved in knowing for certain where the damn ball will land. I’d have to estimate the launch velocity, launch angle, trajectory height, and the positions of the launch and landing points. I can’t do that all in a few seconds. I can’t even do that all in a few days.

Wikipedia has a cute little animation showing a stick figure juggling 3 balls in what I believe is the common beginner’s pattern. I could also mention here that it is referred to as a Siteswap 3 but part of me feels that term was added to the Wikipedia page by some professional juggler in an attempt to get the newbies to repeat a silly sounding phrase. I would like to point out the lack of environmental factors in this animation like wind velocity, differing weights of the balls, and surrounding distractions. I also think this page illustrates how we can be fooled by the internet into thinking life is much easier than it really is.

Supposing I could decide on a calculation that I trusted, I would then have to contend with Zeno’s paradox that motion is an illusion. In order to move from point A to point B, I would first have to throw the ball half way, but in order to reach that half-way point, I’d have to get the ball half-way to the half-way point. Because there are an infinite number of points to cross before getting to Point B, I’ll never actually get around to throwing the ball up. In fact, I’d never get around to picking the balls up because I’d have to bend half-way, but first I’d have to bend half-way to bending half-way….oh nevermind.

Louis Pasteur said that “chance favors a prepared mind”. It seems to me that catching a ball would favor a prepared hand but I can’t figure out how to prepare my hands for this.

I think there is a secret mind-control method to juggling. Jugglers have learned how to make the balls go where they want purely with the power of their minds. Microscopic laser beams are coming out of their eyes and directing the balls where to go...and then Satan is making sure the balls land in their hands.

Juggling may be the cruelest trick to play on an obsessive-compulsive person. I really want to catch the balls RIGHT NOW but I want to know exactly how to catch the balls RIGHT NOW. I think the stupidest thing I ever did was to purchase three balls designed to withstand an adequate amount of use throughout varying environmental conditions over several years.

Now Playing....

2011-08-09T20:23:00.004-05:00

Did you know that the first alien body was unearthed in 17th century Ireland by two body snatchers? You would if you've seen "I Sell the Dead". It's too bad that cool movies like this don't get wider exposure. Or at least wide enough so that I'm learn of their existence sooner.

I'm not sure what kind of statement it makes about society that movies can be so influential. My mother grew up in the 40's & 50's when Katharine Hepburn was popular. My mother's senior picture sports a Hepburn 'do and I think she really believed that Katharine wouldn't lie to her about how life would turn out just like her movies, if you watched them often enough.

I personally would still be struggling with necklines on sweatshirts if it wasn't for "Flashdance". Boy, was that liberating for my un-effeminately large trapezius muscles. I also wouldn't have the faintest idea how to change into a space suit in a tightly enclosed area with a potential danger lurking outside if it wasn't for Sigourney Weaver. I pity the generations of women who've grown up not knowing how to slide themselves down a door jam to prolong that first kiss from a first-loser/then-winner/then-winner-again/then-one-more-time-winner-again/then-ugh-winner/then-whocares boxer. And I can't believe any woman who grew up in '80's would name her daughter Jenna.

I'm not dumb enough though for a second to believe that a group of scab football players would do the Electric Slide while incarcerated.

Excuse me, I have to go let some geek borrow my underwear for 10 minutes afterwhich I plan on making out with Mr. TallDarkandHandsome over a cake.

A Mid(end)summer night's eve...

2011-08-07T19:02:00.004-05:00

I only have two weeks left of summer. Disambigually speaking, there's 47 days left. In the fashion world, autumn has already begun.

I'm claiming two weeks left of summer because in 13 days the MN Renaissance Festival begins and then I enter that black-hole period where the temperature waivers between sweltering and freezing with maybe two days of pleasantness, I enter my house to only take my clothes off, throw them in the washer, get myself in the shower, then bed, then up, then out the door and repeat. I successfully manage to burn myself no matter how much sunscreen I put on and I question my motives and choices every seven minutes. When it's over, it's time for the first snow fall and week 4 of football. I've done this for twelve years. I think I would have led an extremely boring life if I hadn't have done this for twelve years.

If I hadn't have done this for twelve years, my fence would be complete (including stain) and my gardens would be properly weeded. I would have gotten to that three-season padio construction I've been drawing out on notebook paper for years. I would have a clean garge and a lot more football stats committed to memory.

But since I have been doing this for twelve years, I have piles of paper filled with ideas, lists, paragraphs, stories and articles laying around everywhere; scraps of material and patterns stuffed into closets and drawers; a sword and whip just laying around in my unclean garage; another sword on my wall and three more laying on my china cabinet; the ability to articulate what makes me hurt and what will probably make others laugh and those usually aren't the same things; an appreciation for how what doing what you love doesn't mean you have to make money at it to make it important to you; the ability to pen incredibly long sentences; and most importantly, I have a host of incredible personalities in my life that makes me want to get up in the morning and keep going.

Thirteen days is plenty of time to finish a hat, oil boots and get one more kayak trip in, right?

Hurry up and finish.

2011-08-02T13:39:00.002-05:00

After sitting here for several minutes, I have decided to challenge myself again with the task of writing what comes to mind without going back to edit. I would like you to know how extremely difficult this is for me.

If I could have a spell-check or thesaurus implanted in my brain, I would totally do it. I just broke my own rule there by going back to correct "brian from "brain". See? This is hard.

Okay, so today's top ic is.....umm......accomplishments. As in, finishing one thought at a time. Well, it also includes finishing that emial I've been meaning to send to that certain unnamed pain-in-the-ass central unit which almost cost me $99,502 in uncollectable expenses. It's great and all to have a University that has no many different fields to offer a student and a community, but it's also a complete pain in the ass to tyr to have said University function in a cohesive manner. You wouldn't believe the amount of rules there are with research funding. I feel fortunate that I don't need to document the amount of times I....ugh....interrupted by the co-=workers phone "ringing" with the ringtone of crickets. It's almost as annoying as her laugh.

Oops, I've gotten off=topic. I wish I would have practiced the location of the '0', I mean '-' key in typing class in ghigh school more. THen that last reference to off-topic would have been much neater. Wow, this is hard.

Where was I? Oh heah, accomplishments. This is starting to rmind me of that muppet scketch where Fozzie is typing the script on a broken typewriter and Kermit doesn't have time to proof-0fread before he goes on stage. It's a cute little bit.

My accomplishments lately include the starting of several projects. My next set of accomplishments will be to finish those projects. It's all in the wording, you can make anything sound good if you put a little effort into it.

My final accomplishment for this session will be to end this mess of a post and get back to work and finish the exectuive team reports which will be edited and re-"finished" several times before next week's meeting. Who invetnted the work 'accomplishments' anyway? What an idtio.

What was I going to do again?

2011-07-31T11:44:00.000-05:00

This weather is beginning to wear on me. I’m finding it difficult to maintain the motivation to finish anything. I have a ton of great ideas, I just lack the ability to follow-through. I would love to blame this solely on the weather but it’s really my crushing sense of self-doubt and conviction that I will make people mad by asking for what I really want. I’m also finding it difficult to follow through with myy thoughts. I’m finding them a bit scatte…

I love cartoons. The first memory of ever looking at a TV screen includes a cartoon. They contain beautiful colors that you always try to see in real landscapes but never quite get close to. So, needless to say, I have loved the resurgence of animated feature-length movies that exploded on the scene with Pixar, DreamWorks, and Disney which led to a ton of independent films. One of these is “Mary and Max”. I don’t want to give too much away but I’ll say that their letters are so intriguing because they say so much about themselves but do it indirectly. There are some of the usual “I’m eight and live in Blahblah” but you also learn that Mary has a small family that lies to her and generally has a miserable life yet is filled with hope for the future. She doesn’t say “I have hope for the future”, instead she talks about saving to marry a Scottish Duke named Earl Gray and living in a castle. She’s not willing to give up because of her current condition.

This movie is so good that you could turn off the picture and just listen to the audio and still absolutely love it. There isn’t one superfluous or wasted word in the entire film. I am particularly enamored of the letters. I would love to receive a letter like that. A letter from a stranger that is attempting to tell you all about them yet keeping in mind that it’s a letter so you have to say things kind of quickly. If I were to rip someone’s address out of a phone book and write to them, my letter may go something like this:

Dear Mr./Ms. Randomly-picked-person-from-Telstra-directory,

Good day. This is my attempt at being colloquial and polite at the same time. I picked your name out of a directory because I wanted to write an actual letter on real paper to someone I’ve never met and may never meet in my lifetime considering that it’s extremely expense to travel to Australia and I’m on a tight budget.

The University of Minnesota has had a wage-freeze for two years but I’ve managed to still increase my take-home pay by getting what my supervisors may term as a promotion although I’m really just taking on my responsibilities and getting only slightly more pay so really, I’m underpaid. But at least I’m paid.

In today’s technologically advanced world, do you think it’s better to communicate a gripe better through email or by phone? I often get nervous when I actually have to speak and end up stammering which makes me more self-conscious and makes things worse so I prefer email but my supervisors have said that a phone call would be less confrontational. I disagree because I think it’ll make the SFR Senior Administrator only more confused and irritated and therefore, unwilling to listen to my side of the story.

I would continue but now I’ve lost interest and am convinced that this was a stupid idea.

Hurry up!

2011-07-21T08:22:00.001-05:00

Do most people feel like they’ve let a whole section of their lives just slip by? I feel like I’ve always been busy yet I haven’t done anything.

When I was at the age when I didn’t have a say over where I went, I always had to go “camping” on the weekends. From Friday evening until Sunday evening, we were all sequestered on a 40 acre plot of land in Dresser, WI. Camping is in quotations because usual camping trips involve activities like swimming and hiking. Our “camping” involved mowing the lawn and doing a bunch of other work to reach a point at the end of the day where we could sit down for maybe 30 minutes and think “Gee, the weather sure is nice today.”

This lasted until I was 16 and could both drive and hold a part-time job; so for two years, I did fun things on the weekends. Then it was off to college where I worked on the weekends because if you haven’t developed the need before the age of 18, you definitely develop the need after age 18 of having to support yourself. That need became obsessive with me. I suddenly realized how much money I was going to need to keep a roof over my head for the rest of my life and I couldn’t image that there would ever be enough money left over for me in this big bad world after everyone else took their share.

I used to sleep until 10am when I was a kid. I would go to bed early too. I couldn’t get enough sleep. If I would have been the only one in the house, I would have slept longer. Now, I feel panicky and flustered the whole day if I don’t get up by 8am. See, I’m in a hurry to get things done so I can get to some point of reward. Something that will be great but I have no idea what that is.

Most times, I arrive early to where ever I’m going and if I don’t, I’m very uptight about it. I’m supposed to work from 8am - 4:30pm with a one-hour lunch. I can’t remember the last time I took an entire hour for lunch or arrived at work at 8am. I’m usually there by 7:15. I usually don’t take a lunch but instead eat at my desk so I can leave by 4:30-ish. My goal with this schedule is to get all of my work done so I can move on to other things that I want to do. I never seem to get to those things. I can’t figure out why. Seriously, I can’t.

I work hard. Really hard. Once I get to a point where my hard work is noticed, I feel like I can’t slow down for fear of letting someone down. I should just try to keep people’s expectations low, I’ll have a lot more free time that way.

I can start a lot of things that I like, but I rarely get to see them through. I started a performance class and another dance class with several friends six years ago; they’ve all done a lot in that time and have moved on to some great things but I haven’t. I’ve sunk. At this point, I’d be happy if I could plateau. If you could see inside my head, you’d find a lot of really good ideas and plans in there. Somehow, my body never catches up to my mind.

Tonight, I should sit down and come up with a plan to change this….but I really gotta get that lawn mowed first.

Summer summer summer summer summer

2011-07-19T21:20:00.000-05:00

I liked 1978. I was 7.

My favorite movie, “The Deer Hunter” was released that year along with my other favorite movie, “Superman” and my sometimes-favorite movie “Star Wars”. Van Halen released their first album along with Kiss’ “Double Platinum” which my brother and I dutifully taped onto one cassette, carefully printed out the song titles in the accompanying cassette label, and listened to over and over and over and over and over and over and I still have it somewhere in my garage. Olivia Newton-John’s “I Honestly Love You” was playing all the time on the radio station my parents listened to although it was released in 1974; it’s a miracle that I ever managed to discover great things like Fender Stratocasters being played by phenomenal people like Stevie Ray Vaughan.

When I was 17, I bought my first car which was a ’78 Camaro. I used to drive around everywhere in the summer with the windows down which produces a wind tunnel effect similar to the hair dryer mechanism in “Blade Runner” that Joanna Cassidy uses. Men probably only remember that scene for Ms. Cassidy being naked but I bet most women remember that hair dryer thing. She just sticks her head up in that clear plastic bubble and POOF one minute later her hair is perfectly dry and styled. Someone should actually invent that.

All summer consisted of was swimming, mowing the lawn, walking through tall grass, mowing the lawn, swimming under water for hours (okay, minutes), sleeping with the windows open, putting on lots of mosquito repellant…oh, and swimming. I haven’t swum yet this summer. I also haven’t slept with the window open yet but then again, the city is a dangerous place and I don’t have anyone to protect me but me and it would be pretty stupid to leave the windows open when I’m letting my guard down.

I’ve been bemoaning the fact that I haven’t gotten out to do many summer things yet this summer (If I can think of a way to construct a sentence that uses the word ‘summer’ even more, I’d do it…summer.) I actually haven’t said it out loud to many people, I’ve just been thinking it over and over in my head; this way, no one knows what a whiner I am…until now.

BUT that’s all about to change. I get a chance to go to a real, live cabin this weekend. And, holy crap, it has a dock. The last time I tried to run off of a dock was about three years ago on a trip up to White Earth where there was a serious drought on and people had to jump into my path in order to stop me from jumping off of a dock that would have landed me on my head into a pile of mud. NOT THIS TIME! WOOHOO! That dock is going to get jumped off in a way it’s never been jumped off before and I hope it’s ready for it. It better start working out, stretching, preparing mentally, whatever it takes. The only thing that would be better is if I had a ’78 Camaro to drive up there in.

I’m going to buy a ’78 Camaro, restore it and drive it down to Texas to swim in the ocean. It’s going to be epic.

Warning: This blog doesn't really have a point.

2011-07-03T19:39:00.002-05:00

The last time I wore this top, I was driving through Missouri. I was on my way back from some flimflam camp that I only went to because two of my friends were going to be there but after only a few short hours, I realized I was surrounded by people engaging in a gigantic oneupsmanship where by the person that could say the most outrageous thing was somehow held in great esteem by those gathering around….so I left.

An example is this exchange at the bonfire - correction, spiritual gathering involving flame of mother stick:
Man: “I’m just waiting for the right man to come along” (insert light laughter)
Young-ish woman: “You can have the men, I’m waiting for the wrong woman to come along!” (insert slightly louder laughter)
Old woman: “Well I need me a horny lesbian!” (Insert gafaw). Really? Because I think that if a horny lesbian fell in your lap, you wouldn’t have the slightest idea what to do with her and further more, she’d probably make you cry.

So anyway, I’m driving through Missouri on my way to South Dakota because I suddenly decided that I wanted to drive through Wounded Knee. Why Wounded Knee? Well one, I had never been there before and I like the movie “Thunderheart” (with Val Kilmer and Graham Greene who is completely underrated as an actor and should be in waaaaaaaay more movies and if you don’t believe me, just watch his two minute scene in “Powwow Highway”); two, I was at that age (29) where I was still very idealistic, which I believe explains my time spent at the flimflam camp, and thought that I would get answers to all of my questions by simply driving past; and three, it was on the way.

On my way out of the looney camp, I inevitably had to stop for gas. Let this be a warning ladies: when in Missouri, do not stop for gas at the one gas station that is on top of a hill with no other buildings or human beings within a 100-mile radius. Because if you do, you’ll find three unsightly gentlemen; one behind the counter who will tell you that the gas pump is broken and the total isn’t $11.00, it’s really $20.00 and two other gentlemen engaged in a battle of wits over a pool table in an area usually designated for automobile repair. If you make any indication of asking for corroborating evidence on this alleged “broken” gas pump, one of the two gentlemen in the auto/pool area will cease his cue ball setup and turn to look at you at which time you should set your $20 on the counter and get the hell out…quickly.

Missouri isn’t all bad though, one of the more poignant moments was when I stopped for the night at some motel which looked just like the ones you see in movies like “White Lightning” or “Thelma and Louise” minus Brad Pitt. The woman that ran it reminded me of Flo from that TV show “Alice” except without all the sass. She was very sweet. The room was filled with very old furnishings, carpet, wall coverings and “window treatments” but what was there was very very clean. When I left in the morning, they had changed the sign in front to read something about “Follow your dreams, you never know where they’ll take you” and I thought that was extremely profound for a roadside motel and then I thought “How did they know I was trying to do that?”

So then it was on to South Dakota and I’ll be damned if that Wounded Knee site and the surrounding areas don’t look almost exactly like the movie. I’m going to attribute that to the fact that most of the movie actually was filmed there. Either the prop guys forgot to take out a couple of cars from the gullies or the movie was extremely based in reality.

I discovered that people like to leave things at the Wounded Knee memorial. Stuff like flowers and necklaces and ribbons and anything else they can manage to attach to the chain link fence. This concept has always intrigued me. Why leave something there? Flowers okay, but jewelry? Eventually some human being is going to have to take it down and it will go to some other human being. I don’t get this leaving-stuff-for-dead-people, but that’s a topic for another time.

It was raining when I drove up but the sun was also starting to poke through the clouds so it all looked pretty spectacular. Even more so with the old guy walking up to the monument as if it wasn’t raining at all. See, the monument is located on top of a hill with a pretty long incline so to walk up to it takes some doing.

But anyway, back to my top. It’s the only good thing that happened to me at the wacko-camp. It’s a tie-dyed (gasp!) halter top that completely covers your front but leaves the back open. Lest you men think that this isn’t a good setup, I can report that the result of this design makes everyone’s abdomen look appealing, even if you don’t think yours will ever look appealing. The good thing about tie-dye is that if you’re not wearing a bra, no one really notices because there’s so much already going on up there. This top can be worn when the temperature is ungodly and I won’t have to worry about looking like a skank. I try to reserve that look for Skank Night.

Re: Re: Fwd: Re:

2011-06-24T08:28:00.004-05:00

I'm usually one who has to be pushed into the present day when it comes to technology like for instance cell phones, email, internet, dvd players, you get the idea. I found email particularly irritating at first because it seemed to laugh in the face of proper business communication rules such as a header, date line, salutation, body of message constructed with an opening greeting followed by what you were going to talk about then talked about it then summarized it and closed with a "sincerely". This format conveyed everything that was needed without any feeling or emotion whatsoever which is exactly what's needed in business. Emails on the other hand....

There is supposed to be generally accepted rules of email etiquette which include former business communication rules from yester-year like having a salutation, body, and closing but also include tips designed to help the foreigner through the new culture of internet communication, similar to travel tips.

One tip is that capitalization of your entire message means you're yelling; not unlike pulling your ear in Italy indicates the same senitment as the middle finger does in America. There is a Document Preparer that has always capitalized every email she's ever written and when I first open them up, I actully lean back in my chair as if her voice is blaring out of my monitor.

Another tip is to avoid trying to be humorous because emotion does not always read in an email and could be misinterpreted. It could also be used against you in a court of law. Remember that the next time you send "Is embezzlement still against the law?"

Yet another tip is to avoid sending the supflerous "thank you" email where that's the only thing you're saying. The recipient has to take time to open your email only to see "Thank you!" written and has gained no new knowledge but has instead wasted 30 seconds of his life that he'll never get back. I confess that I am sometimes guilty of this. But then again, I work with sensitive people who need a pat on the back before they can continue in life.

Too many people treat an email as if they were standing face to face with the person and discard any rule of etiquette that ever existed. A fine example is an email I received yesterday after asking a procedure question. The response was "you preparer should enter it!" That's it. No salutation or closing signature or anything else. To me, this said that the respondant was so angry with my question that he couldn't even take time to capitalize the beginning of his sentence but sure could take enough time at the end of the sentence to find the ! key. I responded with an apology and clarified the reason for my question. His response was "no problem! all is good!" I will now forever imagine this person as being like a golden retriever, always jumping up and down every time he speaks.

Other items that drive me crazy about email is the massive confusion of the reply feature. There are waaaaay too many options. Do you reply to one or all? Do you realize when you are replying to all instead of one? Is the signature block at the bottom or top? Are you one of those that writes your reply in a different colored font in the middle of the original message (Ms. Fancypants!), do you try to be sneaky and remove sections of the message that could be damaging to your reputation before replying?

That brings me to another topic, that damn blind cc. It can often be used for good but too many times it is used for evil. Like copying a supervisor or other authority figure in a part of an email that may or may not have sections deleted. Why not just strap a wire to yourself, go into someones office and ask a question you've already been given the answer to and which by doing so you know will illicit a negative response?

I think one of the main pros of email was that it saves on paper. This is a fallacy. I once worked for a Dean who never read her own emails on a computer screen, she instited that all of them be printed out upon which she would write her response and have someone type that response into the email and hit 'send'. It looks like Sarah Palin may have done this also.

The one thing email does allow is the ability to hide from people. If you don't want to hear the sound of their voice, just respond to their voice mail with an email. There are many times when this feature makes email worth any other trouble it may cause.

I have to go now and get caught up on the 11 emails I've received since I started writing this.

Gimme Back My Bullets

2011-06-23T07:59:00.003-05:00

I really like using the phrase "Is it still illegal to shoot someone?" because the answer is completely obvious so no one would take you seriously yet they get the point that you are incredibly aggitated with someone.

I was thinking this to myself last night while driving home and an immediate afterthought was "What if it wasn't?" I mean, what if we were all given one freebie, one shot on-the-house? You know, kind of like that other fun remark of "You only get one of those" after someone has hit you with a snowball, or has somehow otherwise zinged you. I bet most of us would waste it as teenagers, you know how rash they can be.

Would there then be some type of black market where shots were bought and sold? That would lead to interesting ethical delimas (after, of course, we have resolved the original delima of being allowed to actually kill someone); if the goodie-two-shoes people always somehow got rid of theirs so they could claim that they would never do such a thing even if it was allowed, could they still claim they were better than others if they knew someone was going to get two shots? I bet all of the manipulators out there would figure out ways to convince others to use theirs on people they really want dead and so that in essence, they could really have more than one free shot.

But there would be no guarantee that the shot would kill the other person. Then you have the issue of someone having a grudge against you forever; maybe they turn and use theirs on you and you actually die. Just like a good old-fashioned duel. Someone once told me that there is documentation of a duel held down in the South in the 1800's where it took something like three days for the two men to die; they had so many wounds that they were just slowly bleeding out. That certainly takes the romance out of those duel scenes in the movies, but not the movie "Duel" because that's between automobiles.

What if there were some countries or governmental units that decided to not follow that free-shot policy? Would the people rise up and revolt? What if that leader was replaced with someone who didn't even like punching or any action that could be construed as assault but then constructed invisible fencing around the border so the people couldn't leave? Oh, that's just silly.

This all started because a new co-worker has a very bad habit of throwing insults into the middle of her sentences but ending with a question so you then answer the question and you always mean to go back and address the insult but somehow never get the chance to...and it leaves you angry. So angry that if you had one free shot, you'd probably use it on her.

Please keep all screws with their appropriate nuts

2011-06-21T07:07:00.002-05:00

The first rule of disassembly is to have a plan; the second rule is to keep all screws, nuts, and bolts with their respective parts and label them but don't use a felt tip marker; the third rule is to always remember the last part of the second rule; and the fourth rule is don't tell anyone about Disassembly Club. I apologize for this last rule. After typing it, I am now officially sick of seeing "don't tell anyone about fill-in-the-blank Club" inserted at the end of something to make it seem funny. You have witnessed the end of an era...for me.

I have no idea why I suddenly want to tackle this resoration project so much, it's not as if I don't already have enough to do. I imagine a therapist would tell me that there's something lacking in my life so I'm always trying to fill it with whatever comes along. Possibly, but I haven't jumped on the burlesque band wagon yet; I'm still firmly seated in the traditional belly dancing band wagon although I haven't peformed for a long time. Something always comes up that causes me to cancel. At least something always comes up where I would feel guilty if I didn't do/take care of that something and performed instead. That and I'm still scared of social situations. I'm willing to bet that most people who know me do not realize how difficult it is for me to go out in public sometimes. I mean in a social setting like to a bar or someone's back yard.

It's a combination of suddenly becoming uber self-conscious and honestly wanting to stay home in my cozy living room on my comfy couch where there is no stress or tension and I can watch whatever I want on TV. I've waited a long time to find a room like that and sometimes I just don't want to leave it.

That's why I love winter...no one really expects you to clean off your car and drive through all that snow to go anywhere. Only 183 days until winter!

In 1974, we were all drunk drivers

2011-06-20T07:33:00.002-05:00

I was born in 1971 so I don't remember this law, but in 1974 there was a seatbelt interlocking system that was mandatory in all cars built in the U.S. in 1974. The car would not start unless all front-seat passengers had their seatbelts locked. Without having to read anything further on it, I could imagine how well that worked out. Well, I kept reading because I wanted to get to the section on 1975 Camaros so I quickly learned that the system had flaws (gasp!) and sometimes the ignition wouldn't unlock even though all passengers had their seatbelts on, locked, pinky-promised to always wear them and even crossed their hearts and hoped to die.

This is unfortunate because this silly mandate, along with the front bumper guidelines requiring your car to look like it had wrapped itself around a really long fence post, made several 1974 models undesirable, including the 1974 Camaro. I claim that this is unfortunate because Chevy switched to a 350 2 bbl engine which would have given it more power except that the weight of the bumper kind of zero'd that out. Again, another example of The Man trying to keep us down, rob us of our power to careen around corners of city streets for absolutely no reason at all.

The seatbelt thing is interesting because I remember very well how I never even saw a seatbelt until I the early '80's. The various family cars may have had them in but they were well tucked into the seats to the point that they couldn't be fished out anymore. This combined with my dad's stellar driving skills, it's a miracle we were never in an accident and thrown clear from the car.

People used to do lots of stuff to and in cars that no one would dare imagine anymore. For instance, drinking and driving. That was pretty much standard for anyone over the legal drinking age (wasn't that 10?) and I think it was mandatory for single males between the ages of 18-32. My uncle had gotten so many DWI's that he started to seriously consider not driving drunk anymore because it was such a hassle. And then they came up with those soul-crushing DWI laws like sending you to jail immediately.

My other uncle and a few other family members actually sold me their cars for $1 when I was living in Duluth just to avoid the emissions standards that the 7-county metro area was enacting in the early '90s. At one point, I was the proud owner of four cars. I think there was also some federal restriction against nitro which I don't remember the finer details of but I remember the hushed tones and quick sideways glances used whenever the topic came up, followed by hand-rubbing and Mr. Burns-esque devious facial expressions.

Well I think we've come a long way as a society in the area of car production, ownership, and use. I wish I could say the same thing about driving skills.

So, on to the next big thing

2011-06-19T19:30:00.000-05:00

Huh, six months can go by pretty quickly. Guess how many plays I’ve read? 0. But in my defense, I’ve completed many other projects; for instance, my fence. While I must confess that this has been the only project completed, it should not be diminished in importance. It took over my entire one-week vacation. Well, that and staining the house. It wasn’t just putting it up, it was taking down the old one, cutting up the old one and hauling it to the solid waste & recycle site (I would like to add here a short note on the humor one finds at a recycle center; namely the South Transfer Station where they ask you if you have wood or metal and if you say “My wood has nails in it, is that okay?” the response will be “You have to pull out all of the nails” after which approximately two seconds of silence, they laugh hysterically) pulling out the cement footings of the misplaced original posts, correctly placing the new posts, and then screwing in the panels after you discover this handy concept called torque and if your drill isn’t at the correct torque level (torquage?) it makes a horrible ratcheting noise announcing to your neighbors that you don’t completely know what you’re doing. That took a week.

It is now taking one month for me to trim the tops of the fence posts which is probably the easiest step in the process. Maybe subconsciously I don’t want the project to be over. I have no idea why I wouldn’t want this to be over. Maybe my subconscious is a sadist.

Today is not only five months and sixteen days since I last posted something; it is also Father’s Day. Or is it Fathers’ Day? Shouldn’t it be Fathers’ Day since it’s supposed to include more than one? I have just googled it and have found journalists who have used both. Someone should be penalized.

I hate both Father’s(s’) Day and Mother’s(s’) Day. People with wonderful parents don’t understand this but then they may not fully realize that they don’t need a day to think about how wonderful their parents are. I’m willing to bet that thought crosses their minds quite often. What this day does is really drive home the point to people without wonderful parents (or parents at all) of what they don’t have. It brings up very specific painful memories of when you used to plug your ears with your fingers so hard that your fingers would go numb, or it carries a certain tension in the air the entire day of how bro isn’t here anymore and if he were here, the day would be much better but since he’s not, there isn’t anything that can be done to make it good. Once, for Father’s (s’) Day, I stopped at the cheese shop on Hwy 8 in Wisconsin to pick up some excellent cuts of beef (because no matter how anyone feels on any holiday, you can always eat), and was surrounded by families; they were all very happy just to be together. They didn’t have to be going anywhere in particular. In fact they probably weren’t, that’s how they ended up at the cheese shop, because it looked like a pleasant place to stop for a minute. If you’re wondering why I would stop for beef at a cheese shop, you have to understand that that’s what they do in Wisconsin. So I left that pleasant picture filled with smiling people to drive to my parent’s trailer where there was no one for miles to eat in silence.

I was very surprised once to hear a former Department Head state that she hated Mother’s (s’) Day. This was a woman who never showed the remotest sensation of anger, stress, annoyance; I don’t think she ever even shook her head in dismay. We met up in the mail room briefly and exchanged the usual “What are you doing this weekend?”’s when she said “I hate Mother’s Day”. She didn’t look at me and left after saying it. I initially was surprised but then it made me feel better. I was very relieved to learn that I wasn’t a bad person for hating that day. Here was someone that was very well respected in her field, very well liked by just about everyone and she hated Mother’s Day. It somehow gave me permission to go ahead with it also.

It’s not just some kids that hate the days, it’s some parents also. I know they’re out there. There have to be some. It’s the same sentiment, just the other side of the coin. I don’t think I used that analogy correctly. Anyway, what I mean is that a person can suddenly have parenthood thrust upon them and have to make a series of painful decisions which they have to keep making for a very long time since when you become a parent, you never stop being a parent, and you have to figure out how to create a person that can at least be functional on their own some day and avoid all of that judgment you think is being made of you by everyone else only to have the kid say horrible things to you and sometimes you wish they would just go away but you’re afraid that if someone heard you say that, they would think less of you. It can be a rough day for many. I think that’s why I subconsciously avoided the Back to the 50’s Car show this weekend (all those dads walking around happily). Maybe my subconscious isn’t a sadist.

So my next project is going to be restoring a ’78 Camaro. You may feel that this is above my paygrade, but I have nothing but time…and a two-car garage currently with only one car in it. This is going to be epic.

The year of Shakespeare

2011-01-03T19:11:00.002-06:00

I took a Shakespeare class in college where the required text book was a hardcover copy (I'm not sure if it comes any other way) of The Riverside Shakespeare which is the complete works of Shakespeare including a four to six page essay before each play/work, written in what looks like 2-point Times New Roman font (I may be exaggerating here). To make this more impressive, the pages are 8x11 and contains two columns per page on 1927 pages. Are you impressed yet? It was the most expensive text book I had bought at the time (1991) and was also one of the most expensive text books out of every text book at UMD's bookstore. I know this because I looked around at the rest of the books after glancing at the $50 price tag to see if anything compared. Either it didn't or I have conveniently blocked it from my memory in order to make people feel sorry for me.

I was looking forward to this class when I signed up for it but that faded after the first day when I realized I would have to lug around that 5 lb. book every day and it wasn't necessarily the weight, it was the size - aka bulky. I further wasn't looking forward to the class after listening to the professor ask for class opinions on various passages and then proceed to tell them they were wrong. Granted, he was pretty damn old and just may have known Shakespeare personally, but hearing him say that Shakespeare "definitely didn't intend that" made me want to come up with the worst possible answer and yell it out...in my head. I never spoke up.

Just when I was hoping that the entire class was with me and against him, a fellow female student spoke up about the last speech that Katherina delivers in "The Taming of the Shrew" (5.2.136-179). She felt is was incredibly chauvinistic, was highly insulted by it, and oh my gosh, aren't we all glad we don't live in those times anymore.

This woman was (and probably still is) a complete moron. To not be able to read it over and over again while imagining life's hardships of the times and see that it's really a plea for couples to have a little respect for each other uniquely qualifies her for being a complete moron. How could she have not gotten how Katherina was illustrating that, out of the two, men are better suited for protecting, fighting, "to watch the night in storms, the day in cold", they're built for it; and out of the two, women are better suited for the whole being soft and looking pretty thing, again, being built for it, and if two people are going to be in a relationship, why should they not try to do the best of that which they are most qualified for?

The moron had a real problem with the phrase "true obedience". How is it she couldn't stop dwelling on two words and instead imagine what Katherina may have been saying but just not in words....that it's the whole point of doing as much as you can for the other, not giving yourself up or over to someone who clearly doesn't have your best interests at heart?

I started to understand how the professor turned into who he turned into. After only half of a trimester, I was incredibly agitated with one student to the point of considering her to be a moron until the end of time. Imagine if I had to do this three times per year (they had trimesters back then instead of semesters) and maybe more in the summer for countless years? Yeah, teachers should be paid a lot for putting up with us.

I am now committed...wait, let's not use that word, let's say I intend to read every piece of work in that book this year. I started with Twelfth Night on Sunday and was dismayed to see that it had nothing to do with the holiday season, but there was a clown in it so that kind of made things a bit better. I'm going to move on to The Merry Wives of Windsor next to keep in the whole "confusion by letter" theme.

"God give you good night!"

We made it.

2011-01-02T09:46:00.003-06:00

I'm so glad we all made it through yesterday, which was, of course, Jan. 1st, 2011.

I'm sure all of you had heard or read several times throughout the day about how the date was 1-1-11 and if that didn't creep you out enough, people would go on to point out how 2011 is the sum of all prime numbers, etc.

They're are all valid points but.....DID YOU REALIZE that 1+1+1+1 = 4 and if you add the 2 in there, which you really should since it's 2011, not 11, the sum is 6 which is the first digit in 666 (it's also the second and third). Further, the product of 6x3 is 18 and 1+8 is 9, and if you turn a 9 upside down, YOU GET 6!!!!!!

If I would have realized this yesterday, I would have been convinced that we were all going to die and then would have been a bit upset about paying $138 to get my car out of impound the night before, but it's not like I could have used the money anyways.

So now that we're moving past the official holidays as they are marked by the days you may be granted off of work, we reach that period of time where you have to decide if the holidays are truly over and if they are, you then have to take the decorations down. In my youth, the tree would come down a few days after New Years. My mother has so many decorations that when all of these things were put away, we easily gained twenty square feet of living space back.

If you are a die-hard traditionalist, you may be choosing to wait until the 12th day of Christmas to take the decorations down. I'm labeling this as "die-hard" because trying to follow the Twelve Days of Christmas is a serious chore. You would first have to decide if you are an Eastern Christian or Western Christian. If I had to choose, I'd go with Western Christian since they get to eat, dance and party down instead of fast for a gazillion days because as you know, not eating in cold weather makes you really really cranky. Once the Eastern/Western problem is solved, you'd then have to grapple with the United States question; see, if you are going to commit to being an American, then you will have to forget all about 12 days and just throw the tree out and go shopping. I am committing to being a heathen and have chosen to leave my christmas lights up because they look really pretty in my living room and whenever it snows, I want to look at the falling snow through a window framed by little white lights.

I am off to read Twelfth Night.

So, where ya been for the last two years??

2011-01-01T10:32:00.003-06:00

And another thing.....do you know how many signs there are in downtown Mpls?? I can't read them all!! Those little punk-ass valets may feel like they have gotten away with something but someday, after they get real jobs and with these real jobs acquire the need to suddenly alter their plans and drive to work where there are little to no free parking spots available and they'd gladly pay for a ramp or something if it wasn't for the fact that it's not payday yet and they can't withdraw any more money until tomorrow and they forgot to refill their empty checkbook after using the last check at the grocery store last night but they still try to be good citizens by searching out an appropriate, legal parking spot and when they think they find one, they park there not aware of the fact that they are only 29.5' from the traffic control device instead of the legal 30' and find that SOMEONE HAS TOWED THEIR CAR....then will they know my pain. That statement would carry more weight if that were the scenario in which I found my vehicle towed last night. Instead, I failed to read the sandwich board on the sidewalk next to the meter I parked at that said it was a valet-zone after 6pm.

Through the kindness of others, I have come to greatly appreciate the courtesy of a ride to the impound lot. I will, therefore, return this favor in the future whenever I am called upon. Oh sure, one could take a bus over there but nowadays, the probability of one having the correct amount of change (in coinage no less) to take the bus even one block is highly unlikely. I think it costs $10 to go 3 blocks. Walking may be an option depending on the time of day because crossing underneath that bridge on Glenwood Ave. always makes me feel like I need to look out for Gene Hackman driving his '71 LeMans through trying to chase down some drug dealers above on 94. If you can catch a ride with someone to the impound lot, that is always the prefered method.

I do have to commend the down right jolliness, dare I say mirth, of the impound staff on New Years Eve. The van driver was quite jovial on both trips; see, I had left my purse in the trunk as to not tempt any wanna-be car thieves on Nicollet Mall so I had to be chauffeured out to my car to fetch my payment method, brought back and then returned again. In case you're worried about the Impound staff being terribly bored on NYE, don't worry, they weren't. There were four people in front of me at 8:00pm. One man was on his third trip of the month due to the snow emergency demons foiling him once again. He proclaimed with gusto, after shoving a snow emergency flyer into the cuff of his snow cap, that they weren't going to get him again and Happy New Year.

The second group of young gentlemen held a brief conference to determine who had the funds to pay and what the collection process would be once they were freed.

The third person was a woman who had appeard to be enjoying the holiday festivities already and I'm still uncertain as to why they decided to release her car to her (unless it was going to be entrapment..ENTRAPMENT) but any entrapment plans were ruined after her car wouldn't start and she had to call her sister to come in, pass through the security system, and drive out to the lot to give her a jump. I must say, the sister looked less than amused about the entire situation.

When my number was up, I approached the staffer again and began to nonchalantly remove my checkbook from my purse as if this was an everyday occurrance, which for 2010 it almost was an everyday occurrance, when I was suddenly stricken with the horrific realization that I had used my last check at the grocery store the other day and had neglected to replenish. My credit cards consisted of a Discover, which had plenty of remaining balance to cover it and which the Impound lot DOES NOT accept, and a Visa for which I was certain had only maybe $50 left on the balance if I was lucky. I handed the card to her with much trepidation muttering something about oh how I hoped there was enough balance left and we both held our breath as the Zon machine did it's thing and finally spit out a receipt. The staffer looked as happy as I felt. She probably wasn't looking forward to a NYE freak-out from a middle-aged woman embarrased about the fact that she's there to begin with but is not about to admit it out loud but no worries....that wasn't in the cards.

I was in and out in about 20 minutes and proceeded to take 45 minutes to figure out how to get back on to 394.

Ahhhh, fun times.

The End

2009-01-25T11:28:00.003-06:00

So I'm going to try to write something in a form that can be sent off to someone else who may be able to publish it. Why not dream big? Also, this blogging thing makes me too lazy. Instead of using good sentence structure, I revert to typing as I would speak. Another reason to stop blogging is that there are just too many issues that make me angry lately. I can't compartmentalize them properly. All of my anger is mushing up into one big dark cloud over my head.

When I first started, this helped me to get things out in a form of venting. It made me feel better to type them out. I need to move on now and find another form. There's a very good chance that I'll never finish or that I'll fail miserably but there's also a chance that I won't.

At any rate, see ya later.

Penny for the song, Gov'na?

2009-01-22T08:51:00.002-06:00

I've wanted so much to sit down and type a very large amount of words out in an orderly fashion but haven't had the time. Alas, time is flying by and it's almost my birthday. Here's my annual birthday wish list:

1. Money
2. Money
3. Money
4. Free tickets to a Ka-BAAM show
5. Money
6. Money
7. A Home Depot card
8. Money

Thank you and good night.

Oxygen tank anyone?

2009-01-15T07:51:00.002-06:00

You know how I said earlier that I could walk to work in any weather? Well, that's kind of true. I can be perfectly warm in cold temperatures but I can't breath very well. One must bundle up so much that movement becomes increasingly restricted to the point where lungs cannot expand appropriately. This causes me to pant. Panting is embarrassing. Now that I'm here, I'm exhausted and would really like to go back to bed for 10 hours.

I'm going a little stir crazy. My house is small but I think even in a house three times the size I would still be going crazy. Once this day is over and the temps go back up, I will be spending as much time outside as possible. In fact, this weekend, don't bother stopping by the house, I won't be in it. I'll sleep there but that'll be about it. I must have an area with no walls for a long duration.

Before that can happen though, I have to get through the checklist of items need for next week's budget discussions. How enchanting.

Crank Up The Air Conditioning!

2009-01-13T07:53:00.003-06:00

Although I mentioned a post on the concept of a paperless society (which will never happen), I'm afraid I can't deliver because I'm just too damn lazy...and cold. I know, that last one is a shocker, isn't it? All I have for today is that I made it to work this morning so now I can never wake up in the morning and think it's too cold to walk so I'll sleep in and drive. I don't get that option anymore because I know it can be done.

I think TCF Bank should have thrown in some fireplace installation in staff offices in return for forever having the name of a bank associated with an academic institution.

No, That's Not What I Said

2009-01-09T07:49:00.003-06:00

A communication gap; a grammatical dispute; whatever you choose to call it, I had it yesterday with the IT representative. I was told on Wednesday that 15 minutes of my computer time would need to be allotted to said IT rep to encrypt my computer. She hopped on and realized that I didn’t have Vista, so she couldn’t encrypt anything. This brought up another issue of finding time to install Vista, then encrypt. This process was to take approximately four hours, or half of a theoretical work day. I was also informed that it would need to be done before the start of spring semester, which is Monday.

There was going to be no ideal time for this type of hourly realignment, so I just decided to get it over with as soon as possible and signed up Thursday morning to be the crimp in my workweek. After agreements were made to the start date and time, I asked if I needed to do anything with my computer beforehand and was told “No, everything on your computer will stay as it is”. I somewhat happily hand over my computer at the end of Wednesday and tried to figure out how I’d accomplish what needed to be accomplished with very limited computer use the next day (see future post on paperless society).

I returned to my office on Thursday after scrounging for food at Coffman (if you need anything during winter break, you better not plan on finding it on campus) and joyously greeted my computer as if it just presented me with a document forgiving my college loans. My usual routine (ritual, some may say) after logging on is to immediately go to iTunes and find the classical station. I can’t stand to be in an office with no music. Ninety percent of the time it has to be instrumental otherwise I get too distracted. After finding the iTunes “button” and realizing that there would be a learning curve as I discovered where all of my icons were now hidden, I was frozen in space as I stared at a blank iTunes page with the pretty multicolor lines resembling the old green-bar paper where my music titles used to be. No titles. No printing of any kind. Nothing. Screaming commenced. Okay, screaming on the inside.

After resolving to remain calm, I searched around for my dearly loved files finding nothing. NOTHING. I then politely emailed the IT rep lamenting that I may be missing a few music files and would she know where they might be? She replied with revealing that if they were on my c: drive they are now wiped out. I quickly reviewed the previous day’s conversation: “Do I need to do anything specific before you install this?” “No, everything on your computer will stay as it is” “No, everything on your computer will stay as it is” “No, everything on your computer will stay as it is”. LIARS!!!!! FUCKING LIARS!!!!

This scenario points out a common scene that plays out every day in every work place and every gas station around the world. There are concepts that people within certain groups assume everyone else outside of their group will now come to realize as a given because it’s been long enough now that this concept has been known. When I asked if I needed to do anything specific before they violated my computer, they assumed I already knew to back up my hard drive. To me, my hard drive is the computer. If I stick a CD in to save something, then it’s not on the hard drive. If there’s no CD or other magnetized form of media emblazzened with my choice of information, then it’s on the hard drive, aka the computer. I now understand that my computer is made up of a network which will always be okay but which everyone has access to, and the hard drive which is mine alone but also mine alone to back up. Fuck.

Why did I mention gas stations earlier? Because now when it is stated that one can use a credit card to pay for gas, it is implied that the credit card will be inserted into the gas pump and not brought into the store to be held by another human. I watched as a woman older than me was trying to grasp this concept while the store clerk was trying to lead her back out to the pump to show her. She couldn’t understand why someone just couldn’t take her credit card right there and just pay for the stuff. They’re right there, why can’t they do it? Good question. Because the new store financial system doesn’t allow it. You know the one, the system that is supposed to make our lives easier (also expanded on in the future post referring to paperless societies). Does anyone know where I can get a cheap flashdrive?

Another Year Over

2008-12-31T07:58:00.003-06:00

So this year is done. I was really excited about next year starting because for about 10 minutes, I thought 2009 was going to be the year of the Pig according to the Chinese flimflam calendar but I had not listened intently to that particular news story last night. It's not the year of the Pig, it's the year of the Ox. Twelve piglets were born somewhere in a chinese zoo and that means good luck for the next year, hence my confusion over the year of the pig. The chinese consider me to be a pig since I was born in 1971, or maybe it's because I don't capitalize "chinese". I just looked up this page on my pig characteristics and it states that there is no left or right with me, apparently only straight ahead. Now my inability to tell my left from my right makes perfect sense. I'm a believer.

I finally remembered to download one of my favorite pieces of music yesterday. It's by ABBA, that's right ABBA, and it is the last track on their album Arrival. That was the first album I ever owned. Tom took it with him to Memphis because he had a turn table and I didn't. Now that he's gone, his wife will never give it back to me. Funny how sometimes you don't miss something until there's no chance of ever getting it back. Since it was written before videos were even remotely cool, here's a YouTube version of it but the visuals suck so just close your eyes and listen.

I also ran across this article yesterday in the New York Times which made me all mushy and sentimental, so I developed a list of things I'll try in the new year:

1. Finishing that goddamn bodice

2. Re-learning how to play an old instrument

3. Making new props to both confuse and amaze

4. Sending out those articles and essays I've been meaning to do for the last two years but have been too scared

5. Building my own deck

Here are some things I'm not going to try:

1. Shotgunning a can of Schiltz

2. Learning chinese

3. Cleaning out my own sewer line

4. Skydiving

5. Ecstacy

Have a happy New Year's everyone!

Ouch

2008-12-30T07:43:00.003-06:00

The Thermos company makes really good thermoses. How do I know? I fell on mine twice this morning and it didn't even dent. I would have been here about 20 minutes earlier but it's a bit treacherous out there. Two miles into it, I decided to walk in the street instead and brave the half-awake driver. According to my calculations, the chance of being hit by a Honda is much less than the probability of me falling every two steps on the sidewalk. I have enough cush for either one, so ultimately I'll be okay.

The holiday season hasn't officially ended yet before the next season has started, that being........TAX SEASON!!! WOOHOO!! I just got my 1040 instructions in the mail yesterday. I'll have to check through that first-time home owners credit. I didn't get to take it last year because I hadn't bought my home after April 2007, I missed it by one month. I believe I can therefore go back to 2006 and amend. Boy, that'd be nice. There's this small detail about a credit being reduced by the economic stimulus payment I received. That'll definitely need more looking into. What ever I get back in refunds this year will have to be saved in the event that property taxes increase for me in July or thereabouts. I take one tax refund and put it toward another tax. I feel like throwing tea off of a boat somewhere.

Time to go read up on the hullabaloo over in the Middle East. I believe a weapon has been discharged in the area?

Christmas part II - thank god it's over

2008-12-29T08:05:00.003-06:00

Well that lasted about two days too long. I think next year I'll stay in town for one day and then take off for parts unknown. One day is perfect; you have some prep work if you're hosting the food-eating, otherwise you just make sure to shower (wear deodorant please!!) grab a present and head out the door. You then get to chat and laugh, maybe play a few games, go home happy and sleep well. That's it. After that, get out of bed and do something and STOP EATING ALL OF THAT CRAP. It's only going to put you in a bad mood only you won't know why you're in a bad mood. Maybe a miracle will happen with the economy this year so that I'll be able to stop into the aunt and uncle's house next year, have above mentioned fun and then hop a plane to Hawaii the next day.

Christmas eve was great, as I've already detailed, but christmas day, um, it was okay. I went to see the other side of the family where auntie brought her two out-of-control mutts with and the cousin was trying to catch up to his new 21-year-old status of being able to legally drink. Uncle bonehead was well into the bag when I got there at 3:30pm and like most drunks, his volume increased with each syllable. By 5:00pm, the combination of Tibetan terriers jumping up on me and voices never stopping were enough to convince me to pack it in and head home. Mom was going to head to the other brother's house so that way, we covered all of the relatives.

Mom had left her gloves at my house on Wednesday so I called her on Friday to let her know I'd drop them by. I didn't get a call back and when I drove past the house (all seven times from Friday morning until Sunday morning) it looked like someone was home but the car hadn't ever moved and I didn't see a lot of footprints. This is where my irrational thought process kicked in. See, I wasn't willing to go into the house because I'm not going to do that anymore while dad still occupies it which mom is aware of but that doesn't stop her from trying to trick me into entering the house and when I don't, giving me the terribly-hurt look which makes me feel guilty and very angry. My plan was to put the gloves in the mail box when she wasn't home but she was never not home which isn't like her. That's where I started to get really worried that maybe she did try to drink all of the wine I gave her for christmas and fell down the stairs. I couldn't relax the rest of the weekend until last night when I called again and this time she finally answered. She had gotten the flu on Thursday and stayed home the whole weekend. She kept looking in the mail box for the gloves and wondering why I hadn't dropped them off yet. I just let her think I'm irresponsible. It's easier that way.

So now I'm back at work and my goodness, I have to work a whole three days this week! How am I going to get through it? I'm used to two days now. I'm not going to tell anyone that I'm working on Wednesday so hopefully I'll be able to get all the filing and crap done that I was hoping to get done last week. Shhh, don't tell.

This is also the universal "look back at the year" week. I'll work on that tomorrow. In the meantime, start putting your resolution lists together so we can have something to laugh at.

Christmas part I

2008-12-25T11:04:00.000-06:00

This is traditionally the time of year that I dread most because it’s so built up, you get your hopes high for marvelous things to happen but yet terribly things happen too which you remember for years afterwords which is what fills you with the dread at the same time that your wishing for marvelous things to happen.

This year is finally progressing marvelously. I got everything baked and bought in time. Mom came over for a short time on Wednesday. She’s hooked on white merlot now (maybe I shouldn’t be using the term “hooked” in that sentence) so I bought her a bottle of it but Haskell’s only had the big-ass bottle left so she is now the proud owner of a 1.5 liter bottle of wine to keep herself warm on New Year’s Eve. I told her she can’t drink it all at once.

I then went over to my aunt and uncle’s house in St. Paul Park. This is my dad’s brother Jerry, the one with the best sense of humor. My four cousins came over too which was so frickin’ awesome I could barely stand it. I have one cousin, Todd, who wears one white sock and one black sock. His hair is a bit messed up and he didn’t shave. His older brother Dean has changed his name to Larz and apparently has great directional difficulty (perhaps it’s the left hand/right hand trouble I have) so he and his woman were the last to arrive. Cousin #3 Jeff is a paramedic and brought his new girlfriend, the N. Mpls cop who works with Mederia Arradondo whom I knew for a year when he was the spotter on the Roosevelt gymnastics team in ’84-’85. Last cousin Jo Lynn brought her twelve-year-old son Zach who is just about the tallest one in the room. As each person would arrive, the one-liners would zing at higher and higher speeds. We all find it hysterically funny to make fun of and slightly threaten each other. That can be done in a funny way, it really can.

When it was time for present-opening, I was sitting next to Jerry. Jo Lynn brought out a present for him which was a case engulfed in a Christmas-patterned garbage bag. It looked like a gun case to me so I blurted out “Oo, it’s a gun!” then proceeded to ask if bullets were included. I got the super glare from Jo Lynn and aunt Leigh Ann. Apparently I had hit the nail on the head and it was in fact a 30.6 with a scope and all. I asked Jerry to keep it away from Jo Lynn otherwise she’d shoot me with it. But come on though, gun cases are pretty easily identified. Did they really think Jerry wasn’t going to figure that one out? I was just stating the obvious.

I love watching people open presents. The best part of any holiday is getting too many people to sit in a small room and open presents. There’s wrapping paper everywhere and even though there are garbage bags brought out especially to help clean up while the present-opening is occurring, none of the paper ever seems to make it into the bags until about an hour later.

Christmas day will now bring some movie watching courtesy of Netflix who delivered The Dark Knight and Idiocracy on Wednesday, just in time for me to have a great Christmas. I’ll then move on to the other side of the family to dine and chat for a bit. This side of the family has little to no sense of humor so I’ll most likely be making an early exit. When they make fun of people, they mean it.

I have to go kick The Cat off of the new comfy blanket I got from my BFF and watch a little entertainment on the boob tube. How did that saying ever get started? Porn has never been on network TV as far as I know.

Anyone Got Some Syrup? I'm Going To Make A Snowcone.

2008-12-23T07:37:00.003-06:00

Early morning is the best time to get to campus, especially on a morning like this. It is so frickin' beautiful outside that it would be impossible for you to stay in a bad mood for long if you just take a quick look around. Just look up once, then go back to being grumpy.

There's one particular scene that's my favorite. There's a clearing in between Wulling and Eddy Halls with Burton in the background. It's filled with pine trees and driving paths. With the snow falling and the street lights still on, it looks like one of those screen saver winter scenes you can download for free at goaheadanddownloadthisalthoughImayinfectyourcomputer.com.

I like those smaller moments. Those are the ones that always stick in my mind more than big, grand moments with spot lights and applause. They exist throughout the entire day too. This is why I always try to be prepared, so I can enjoy the moments that suddenly come up. That might sound a bit backwards but really, it's not. I plan things as much as I do so that when I need to, I can experience an unexpected moment.

There was a woman in my Performance Course who made a comment that's very fitting. All of us were dancing solos and most of us were choreographing them. Leslie encourages us to learn how to improv more because it does make you a better dancer but it takes time to be able to do that. You have to become very familiar with the music genre to know what kind of tempo change may be coming up. Until we've learned more though, I stick to choreography. Cindy said that she was choreographing so that she could improv. She meant that she wanted the whole dance planned out but being a solo, if she messed up or forgot something (which almost ALWAYS happens) she could improv and still be confident that it would turn out okay. That's how I pretty much live. I plan a lot of things and am very structured so that when I have to, I can improv and things will be okay.

When something tragic happens, the last thing you want to deal with is the dishes or the gutter that's falling off. If you get all of this stuff taken care of, you can deal with the tragedy at hand and face it fully instead of having to push it to the side. Plus, I get to look out of my kitchen window and watch the snow fall while I do dishes. Doing things in a very structured way doesn't mean that you're missing out on things. It's quite the opposite. You're experiencing everything that's happening at that moment. The smell of summer air changes from the morning when you're mowing, to the afternoon when you water the plants. I have to have my desk near a window so I can monitor the changes outside while simultaneously glaring into a computer screen. You have to catch each moment and brand it into your mind because you never know what phone call you'll receive an hour from now. When you're sitting in the hospital or where ever, you can remember for a moment, how all of those pine trees looked at 6:45am.

Did any of that make any sense? No? Okay, go outside and look at the snow.

And That's A Wrap

2008-12-19T08:27:00.003-06:00

It's finally here, the weekend. I was determined to get through a ton of work so I could spend next work week (which consists of two days) filing crap and getting things in order that need to be in order for that unsuspecting audit visit that could happen at any time. I've almost succeeded. I'm going to say that I have a 95% success rate. That's not bad considering that when I dove into one problem, it produced five more problems to solve before the original problem could be solved but by the time I got those five new problems solved, I forgot what the first problem was.

How about that senate race? At least it's exciting. I would consider it a waste if all throughout the process, the same guy was in the lead.

How about that new credit card ruling on deceitful charges and unfair raising of interest rates? It sounds great except that it won't take affect until 2010 and from now until then, the credit card companies are going to screw us every which way but loose to make up for anything they might start losing in July 2010. Anyone with a lot of credit card debt is fucked...that would be me.

How about that D-con commercial that's been altered? There has been a D-con commercial featuring what appears to be an exterminator stating how he "sees this all the time" and then there's a cut to a kitchen cupboard where a little girl is reaching up to the top shelf which she can't see but the audience can see has spilt cereal and several roaches in among the corn flakes. The new altered version, viewed for the first time last night, has the roaches removed from the corn flakes so all you see is a messy shelf. Why would D-con agree to that? Before the commercial was saying that there are roaches only centimeters away from your children's fingers so you better get our product. Now it's saying that D-con will clean up spilt cereal and that just doesn't make any sense.

How about that Bernie Madoff? What a fucker.

I believe I'll close on that note.

The Funniest Time Of Year

2008-12-16T08:13:00.004-06:00

Winter is funny. At least this one is so far. According to the calendar, we have four more days before winter solstice which makes me shake my head inconspicuously when people mistake it for the beginning of winter. It's not the beginning of winter, it's the moment when the sun is at it's greatest distance from the celestial equator shining directly over the tropic of Capricorn. Winter begins when it's fucking cold.

You know what happens when it's fucking cold? People wear scarves around their faces when they're, oh say, walking to and from work. Do you know what happens when cat hair gets on the scarf? There's a tendency to sneeze. Here's the scene: I am walking in the cold with four pairs of pants on, four shirts, one big jacket, two scarves, ear muffs and a hat. I'm unable to move much at all quite like the little brother in A Christmas Story. Suddenly, I get the sensation that I'm about to sneeze. I start to panic knowing that I will never get my arms up to my face in time to move the scarves out of the way of the flying snot. I stop walking and stand still raising my arms up as high as they'll go still trying to make an attempt to get to my face all the while saying "No! God No!!" Somehow that worked and I didn't sneeze; catastrophe averted.

Winter makes some people cranky although I don't know why people in warm climates would be cranky like the guy who threw his shoes at our valiant leader. By now, I'm sure you've all seen the footage. What I love most about that is after the first shoe, George popped his head right back up and I swear there's a smirk on his face. He looks like the bully on the playground taunting the nerd who's finally had it and is trying to fight back "Come on ya pansy, throw the other one!" So the guy does (ha!) and again Georgy ducks at the last second and finishes his macho stance by pushing away the security guy and refusing help. He can take this nut case on his own. Hilarious. I heard some newscaster say that in Iraqi culture, throwing your shoe at someone is a sign of disrespect. Really??!! I'll have to remember that.

It's Dec. 16th which means that Minneapolis park ice rinks should have opened yesterday. It's cold enough so the rink by my house has no excuse not to be open like they weren't last year when I had poor Penn and his family drive half way across the world to come over and go skating and there was no skating. If they're not open, I'm going to throw my skates at them. You saw that coming didn't you?

Hot Tub Anyone?

2008-12-15T07:41:00.003-06:00

I'm here, I made it, I'm actually sweating. I walk to work for a number of reasons; it's cheap, it's about the same amount of time after you factor in car-warming and parking-space-finding, I'm saving the environment *snicker/snort*, I get all my exercise in and don't have to pay extra for a gym membership, I get to look into the windows of rich people's houses along the river road and the last goofy reason is that it makes coming inside all the more rewarding on days like this. Since I figured I would really think it was cold by going from 35 degrees above zero to 2500 degrees below zero, I put on four pairs of pants, four shirts, two pairs of socks and two scarves before heading out this morning. I wasn't even cold for a second. My hands started to sweat about fifteen minutes into the walk. I have my mittens turned inside out so they dry before I have to go home. Seriously, walking or doing anything else outside in cold weather isn't that bad. Your body heat kicks in after about 5 - 10 minutes and you warm up nicely.

Today is the first day of the new reign for the Finance Director. Since we don't have any money, you'd think his job would be really easy. On the contrary, he's going to be shoved head first into this venti cup of crazy that I predict will have him mumbling incoherently to himself in a matter of months, maybe weeks. It's too bad he's bald, he has nothing to pull out.

This is it, the last week to get any serious work done until January. I have my list made and my piles organized. I'm determined to not get too derailed by others' requests. I'm so thankful that I have my own office. I can not answer the phone if I want and no one really knows. Everything should be okay as long as I don't get too preoccupied with blogging.

See No Evil, Hear No Evil

2008-12-12T08:11:00.003-06:00

I have to stop watching the evening news for awhile. It doesn't matter if I don't catch the weather, it'll be cold enough to wear a jacket from now until April so no new news there. I don't really care about sports. My budget is so tight that it doesn't matter if my property taxes go up, I can't do any more than I'm already doing so the only thing I'll miss out on is hearing about how people are running over each other and tossing old ladies down a driveway. I'm having a reaction to something I'm putting on my face so now I look on the outside how I feel on the inside...irritated.

Well, that's not a very good way to start out a Friday. On the upside, I'm going to see the Nutcracker with mom this weekend which includes a nice dinner somewhere so there'll be food and entertainment. I should send out christmas cards. That always makes me feel better. Then I'll see if I can scam some free postage off of the postage meter at work. Good thing no one at work reads this blog.

Time to make the donuts.

Oh Please

2008-12-11T07:37:00.003-06:00

Why are people still falling for the "your bank account is closed" scam? How many years has this been going on? It has to be at least five years by now. So the scams may be becoming more intricate now with fancy graphics and texting and all. If those scammers took half the energy they use creating a scam and put it into a day job, I'd bet we'd finally locate that water on Mars.

The PBS/TPT Pledge Drive is nearing an end and now they're programming "viewers favorites". So far, it seems all people want to see is how to get more money and brains. I think it's a bit comical how the supposed brain doc, who points out that memorization is good for the brain, can't seem to remember how his lecture is going to go. He glances over to the teleprompter every two seconds. I find it distracting.

I'm getting the urge to go skating again. I tried several times to go last year but never quite made it. That Rice Park set up looks pretty inviting. That might have to be experienced. Anyone else up for skating?

Oo, I just got a text; apparently I have to call my banker for something.....see you later.

Catch-up

2008-12-10T12:52:00.002-06:00

I had to wait a whole five and a half hours to write today because as soon as I got in, I was bombarded with transactions being made on wrong account numbers. While I was figuring out one problem and who was doing it, someone else was expensing something they shouldn't to somewhere they shouldn't. I feel like I'm chasing my tail.

Speaking of tails, I haven't seen the mouse back yet. Maybe The Cat did get him when I wasn't around. I think that may be the case because he's not camped out in front of the cupboard where the mouse was gracious enough to leave his droppings behind. If there's a mouse anywhere in the house, The Cat will plop himself directly in front of where the mouse actually is although the mouse is often not visible to human eyes. The Cat will proceed to not move an inch until he's captured said mouse. This morning, The Cat was not camped out but instead, under foot.

Speaking of feet, I didn't have to lift mine has high on the way home last night because most people had shoveled by then. There is one block along the river road where someone must own an industrial-sized snow blower or just like to walk and blow at the same time because the entire block had been cleared. Isn't that the nicest thing ever? I would LOVE it if someone would do that to my block. There were other blocks where no one had shoveled yet this morning and by now, lots of people have trampled across it so now the snow is really packed down. You know it's going to stay there the entire winter.

Speaking of winter, it's here.

Speaking of here, my lunch time is up so I have to go back to chasing my tail.

Shoveled Walks Are An Oasis

2008-12-09T07:31:00.002-06:00

Boy, that Pavarotti sure could sing. I was all cozy last night on the couch thinking it was a perfect night to do just that since I had already shoveled and loaded the mouse ammo in the kitchen. I have a mouse back again and I'm a bit surprised that The Cat hasn't been able to get it yet. He was noisy Sunday night when I didn't have any ammo and mysteriously quiet last night when I finally cocked and loaded the trap directly in his path. Sneaky little fuckers. Anyway, I thought I had completed my civic duty of clearing my walkway only to discover this morning that even more snow had fallen since I finished. It hadn't just fallen on my sidewalk either, unfortunately. That meant walking through snow all the way to work this morning. Before you start to scoff and exclaim that it's only 3 inches or so, go walk through it for three miles on suddenly uneven terrain that was even only a few days ago which makes you appear intoxicated as you trudge on with your bag around your shoulder filled with coffee and normal clothing. Now I remember why I liked spring so much last year.

I love the Thermos. Brilliant invention. We have a little coffee maker in our copy room but my supervisor keeps forgetting to either turn off the burner after she's done, which scorches the coffee to the pot, or forgets to empty the grounds, which grow mold on them over the weekend. I'm not using that coffee maker anymore.

I suddenly realized last night that New Years' Eve is coming up. This may come as a surprise to you also which is why I decided to mention it here. I spent thirteen years always having to work on New Years' Eve so now that I don't work in an industry that's open absolutely every day of the year, I forget what it is people usually do on that evening. I know what I don't want to do. I don't want to go to a hotel bar and have fifty million Long Island Ice Teas to the point where I puke in the restroom, or lean over the railing and puke, or throw up into the pool, or fight in the lobby. I've been on the other end of that and I'd hate to start anyone else's new year on that note.

Speaking of notes, I haven't tried my oboe yet at home. I didn't have time over the weekend and last night I was waaaaaaaay too busy watching A Charlie Brown Christmas. I think tonight would be good after I move the fridge and dryer out in the kitchen to clean behind them and hopefully scare the mouse out at the same time. See, then The Cat might get a mouse and be content before I shatter his world with a completely new sound which may rattle him to the bones.

I'm off now to reconcile the mess that has suddenly appeared now that we have concrete reports to rely on. It's terrifying what has happened in the interim. I think people decided that the new chart of accounts system was too difficult to learn so they just made up their own.

The Best Weekend Ever

2008-12-08T07:53:00.002-06:00

So this weekend started as most do on Friday afternoon not because I left work early or anything unless you count mentally leaving in which case most of us take the whole frickin' day off but when my physical body caught up with my mental body(?) at home on Friday evening I was so prepared for Saturday that there wasn't much left to do and in case you don't know what I'm referring to I'm talking about the Sisters of the Sahara hafla that happened Saturday night which I was lucky enough to be a part of by dancing three what? yes three dances and I don't know how I managed to get myself into that either it must have been my cat-like stealth but I was hoping that for the Turkish dance I would be in the back row but due to the fact that the class is full of tall goddess-like creatures and I'm on the shorter side of stockiness I was in the front row and on the right side but only right if you're in the audience looking at us but since I'm not in the audience looking at me I was on my left side which on that particular stage meant that I was to be the last person off of the stage which provided a nice comedic moment because I had two group dances in a row which I loved because there was no time to get nervous again before the second one but since I was the last one off after the first one I turned around right away and I swear to god there was someone standing in the wings who said OKAY GO BACK OUT THERE in a loud whisper or maybe it was my inner dialogue but I listened to who or whatever the voice was and turned right around and went back out to my spot almost in the same spot as for the first dance but what was different this time is I turned around and there was no one out there with me because my second group was off looking for me back stage not realizing that I was already out there so there I stood by myself with my hands at my hips instead of up in the air like the sound guy in the booth who was frantically trying to figure out why there was just one person standing there instead of a group which he thought there would be but since I had assumed the position he started the music so I tried to nicely shake my head to politely ask could he please turn the music off because my cohorts will be along shortly which he must have understood and maybe he's part vulcan but anyway the music ceased just in time for everyone in the audience to be able to clearly hear YOUR ON!! GET OUT THERE!! WHERE IS SHE?? SHE'S ALREADY OUT THERE! OH! GO!GO!GO! so they went and waved to me as they came out and I don't think we could have choreographed a better laugh-getter than that but I'm glad they laughed at that and not at my very first dance which was my drum solo that I had choreographed the hell out of and included a veil which I tussled with during the beginning of the dance when the chiffon veil didn't want to stay on my chiffon-covered arm like it did when I practiced at home and maybe veils get stage-fright or something but I was determined to get that fucking veil EXACTLY WHERE I WANTED IT TO GO which included over my head and DAMMIT GET OUT OF MY HAIR AND FLING THROUGH THE AIR LIKE WE PRACTICED but by the time I had started to win the battle the veil portion of the dance was over so I flung it on the ground but got in an extra kick when I was turning just to show it who's boss and did you know that dancers have been known to take a shot before they go out only not directly before they go out it's more like when they're in the dressing room and the nerves start to kick in to the point where your lips quiver when you're not even smiling or maybe it was the party atmosphere that made her do it and I mean the one who was standing with her back to me when I opened the dressing room door and she turned dressed in her cute outfit with a cute flower in her cute hair batting her cute eyelashes at me and smiling while holding the biggest bottle of Jagermiester I've ever seen which had already been imbibed upon and some people might call that picture a dichotomy but I call it damn funny which only added to the holiday spirit I was suddenly engulfed in with my mom and friends in the audience and people I knew all around back stage with all of us doing fun stuff which continued after the event when I hopped in my car to drive out to the boon docks to join more friends for mirth and merriment but not until I first stopped at the wrong house which also had a lot of cars in the parking lot in my defense which would make anyone think that there was a party going on in there and maybe there was but you'd have to ask Laszlo because he actually walked into the house which still makes me giggle internally when I think about it because I only stood outside while the little girl inside looked very disapprovingly at me while shaking her head when I asked if this was so-and-so's house but alas I finally found the correct driveway which was only one driveway away where I stayed and listened to people talk and break stemwear but I finally had to go home when my legs hurt when I stood and when I sat down so I took my hurted legs home and tucked them into bed where they wanted to stay well into the next morning but my eyeballs didn't because they popped awake at 8am and it's a good thing the eyelids are there to hold them in which told me that part of me was still pretty giddy from the day before where I think my own little holiday had occurred during this season of celebration. Whew, best weekend ever.

Can I Go Now?

2008-12-05T08:03:00.003-06:00

AAAAAAACK! It's a little cold out. I hate that itching sensation that occurs as your skin thaws. I almost wish I could peel my skin off and toss it in the dryer for a little while. Fluff it up a bit.

I missed the college holiday gathering yesterday. Instead, my mom took me out to Groth Music in Bloomington and bought me...get a load of this...an oboe. That's right. I played one when I was a kid all the way through high school but I never owned my own so when I was out of the Mpls Public School system, I was out of an oboe too. In case you haven't heard, Groth Music is having a markdown sale where every couple of days, the prices drop until Dec 31st when most things will be listed for $1. There's probably a decent chance that we could have waited another week or so since oboe's aren't all that popular, but once I saw it and played it, I wanted it right away. It was already half-priced and for a Larilee made in 2000 with grenadilla wood, it's an excellent deal. Since I haven't played in nearly 20 years, it took a moment (okay, several minutes) for me to be able to get a nice sound out of it and remember that using the diaphragm is very important. It's a good replacement for crunches. I can't wait to play it at home and scare the crap out of The Cat.

I'm very jazzed about this weekend. Dahlal Int'l, a belly dance costuming company, will be at Jawaahir on Saturday morning where I will hopefully be able to buy a shirt before the hafla Saturday evening and then race out to a party where I'll get to see people I miss terribly and have funfunfunfunfunfunfun....and then veg out on Sunday. How awesome is that?

Before I can get to that I have to get through the rest of the crap on my desk though. I'm armed with coffee, it should be relatively painless.

Ugh

2008-12-04T15:27:00.002-06:00

Boy, some days crap gets to me way more than on other days.

I know someone who's cheated on his wife and his wife doesn't know about it....yet (she will because they always do, ALWAYS). When I point out what a dog he is, he comes back with "You're a prude" as if that'll explain and justify all actions. My anger has nothing to do with sex, believe me, I'm all for it. It's the fact that he knows it'll hurt his wife but he did it anyway. You want to have sex with someone else? Fine, tell your wife that - "Honey, I want to jack-off every ten minutes and you're not around every ten minutes so whadda 'ya say to me having sex with other people?" She may totally go for the idea because she may not want to be around you every ten minutes. Don't hand me the line of how you need to have sex either. No one needs to. Humans need to inhale a combination of oxygen, nitrogen, and water vapor and then consume nutrients and pay their taxes, not necessarily in that order. That's all. Everything else is a want.

Are you really willing to lose the environment you have now; the one with the nice house you've worked hard to buy, the kids you've raised, the relationship you've built with someone whose face you can look into without flinching and find peace and reassurance there? You're willing to throw all of that away for a ten-second orgasm? You know it only lasts ten seconds! Admit it!!

Maybe I shouldn't have had that conversation on a day where the lazy-ass co-worker who doesn't pull his weight is really not pulling his weight; and I'm greeted in the morning with a news story about how punks break into someone's home, beating the hell out of them and stealing their things because they somehow think they're entitled to act like that; and people aren't trying to make me find ways of giving even more money to someone whose had everything paid for him up until this point and now has a major company asking him to work for them but gosh, he may have to pay his own health insurance for a few months...maybe all of these things shouldn't have converged on one day along with the fact that I have access to a keyboard and internet screen where I can lay it all out for you.

That last paragraph made me a little dizzy.

After all of this rage, that one stupid thought keeps coming back to me - you can't force someone else to do something. Things just happen the way they happen and in the meantime, I better check myself to make sure I'm in line with what I'm saying. I know no one's perfect but you have to at least try. Okay, you don't have to be perfect but how about not purposely hurting someone? How about that?

Blip

2008-12-02T07:46:00.002-06:00

While it may be a bit nippier than we're used to lately, it's not truly cold yet because my coffee is still reasonably warm after the walk from the coffee house to my office. Although this morning did remind me of how difficult it is for me to get out of bed for the purpose of walking three miles in the cold air. This is why I keep buying the frou-frou coffee; I have to have a reward at the end of the challenge.

As much as I'd love to spit out at least two more paragraphs of stunning prose, I'm running late and have to hit the reports now. Apparently my brain is in a recession.

Guard Your Decorations

2008-12-01T07:59:00.003-06:00

Here we all are, back at where ever it was we were on Wednesday afternoon at 3:00pm when many statuses (stati?) on Facebook started to change to "GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE". My phone display shows the date right next to the time. I've glanced over twice already and thought it was lunchtime. What a let-down.

It's that time of year again, time for the holiday TPT Pledge Drive this Wednesday evening. These promos are a lot of fun. It's amazing how goofy one gets when half-dressed in renaissance garb...in a room filled with others half-dressed in renaissance garb. Nerdy? Yeah, maybe but we get free dinner and a chance to wear headsets. I believe our show this time is going to be some type of How-To-Spend-Your-Money-Wisely show. We'll of course be asking for that wisely-spent money during the breaks.

I have a dentist appointment today. I'm thinking of eating a pack of Oreos before heading in. Not because I want to be mean, but the hygienist commented last time that my teeth were very clean and she didn't really need to do anything. I'm going to have to get my money's worth so, Oreos or Butterfingers.

My sweet, adorable, loving little Cat kills anything with fur. This is usually a trait I encourage since he's the only one I want in the house with fur. I have a christmas tree that has fur though. It's one of those white plumage-type trees that I got at The Afternoon after the holidays. I've decided to give it a go and set it out on the kitchen table to see if it get's "killed". I'm wondering if it's just the sight of fur that enrages him or if he can discern inanimate objects covered in a fur-like material. I'll soon find out. Wouldn't that be hilarious to see a cat attack a tree?

Hurry, Before I Lose You

2008-11-29T09:16:00.003-06:00

Just a quick one this morning because I have no idea how long my internet connection will last.

Had a second turkey dinner last night with a set of uncle/aunt and mom because mom had her own turkey in the oven when she had to take the pile to the hospital on Thursday. Thus, left over turkey that hadn't been carved yet.

Watched The Departed last night and my crush on Mark Wahlberg is reignited. I'm going to petition Obama to pass a law that Marky Mark has to wear a hollister 24-7...and spew a litiny of profane insults at machine gun speed. Funny how cell phones have changed the face of the gangster movie. While I was watching it, I wasn't all too thrilled with it but when it was over, I decided it was really good. I don't know how that happened.

I'm determined to finish the costuming today so there will be glitter and sequins every where. I hope the cat doesn't digest anything. He's like a little vacuum. If he sees something on the floor, he'll stick it in his mouth first and then decide if he wants it there or not. He's still the best mouser in the universe so he can have his quirks.

The store clerk forgot to take the little ink-filled-alarm-registering thingy off of the shirt so now I have to go back to the frickin' MOA just to have it removed. I'm going to glare at her the entire time.

The cat is up on top of the kitchen cabinets staring at me. Quirky, and I'm okay with it.

That's It??!!

2008-11-28T13:11:00.004-06:00

Holy crap, I actually went out shopping today. I had a gift card from my credit card company - you know, those bonus points - for which I also used my credit card when the total went slightly over what the gift card was so this way, I can accumulate more points for another card. Makes sense, right? Totally.

The Starbucks employees are striking by the MOA because they say they're not paid good wages. Everyone wants more money. If you get more money, it means that I now have to take out a loan to get a Ho-Ho Mocha. Wait, that's Caribou. Whatever.

Turkey day was okay. My food turned out damn near perfectly (you don't want things absolutely perfectly because then they don't look like they were made by humans) except that mom didn't make it over until 2:30pm. After getting home from the nursing home on Wednesday, my dad promptly fell in the bathroom and hurt his ankle. It had swollen up to an incredible size on Thursday so the nurse came over, did an assessment and determined that he has six disabilities for which mom can not care for. The X-ray machine was then brought to the house and carted off again to be developed and analyzed at some medical facility. Meanwhile, mom stopped in for food. We had about 45 minutes of enjoyment before the nurse called back and said he had indeed broken his ankle and he would need to be brought into the emergency room. Mom rushed off home to get him hauled into an ambulance then sat for four hours in the emergency room after which it was determined that he could not go home. FINALLY someone in authority decides he cannot be at home because it's unsafe for him. He was carted off to Providence Place again where he sat in misery because he's a miserable person. Anyhoo, Turkey Day came and went in about 45 minutes. Luckily mom left the bottle of white merlot which I was kind enough to polish off for her.

On to christmas.

Finally!!

2008-11-26T08:03:00.003-06:00

Finally Wednesday is here. This means that I can start the stuff for deviled eggs. The deviled eggs represent the blue-eyed devils that overtook this land and mass-murdered the occupants at the time. While the butter, onions and CELERY (that's right Ryan, celery) are sauteing, I can trim the foam insulate from around the front door. I could have done that last night but I was busy watching the finale of Dancing With The Stars.

I've got the alarm set so I can get up in time and be out of the shower before Alice's Restaurant is broadcast on KQRS. Sounds slightly anal-retentive, doesn't it? I may be very organized but I'm also capable of spontaneity. Like the time I BOO! ha, didn't see that coming did you.

Okay, so here's the annual list of stuff I'm thankful for:

1. Firemen and wind. Both of which without my house would have burned down when my neighbor's house mysteriously caught fire one night at 3am.

2. Paramedics, EMT's and the like all of whom have stretchers and straps to haul away unwilling participants even when it's for their own goddamn good.

3. My job which pays enough to cover expenses and the FUCKING PARKING TICKET I GOT YESTERDAY FOR PARKING WITHIN 30 FEET OF A STOP SIGN!!!!

4. Netflix which provides belly dancing documentaries; some good and some with Miles Copeland in them.

5. Arms and legs; I'm really glad I have all of mine and can use them appropriately.

6. The Cat who is by far the most efficient mouse-terminator I've ever seen in my life.

7. IAGG for not increasing their prices for, um, since inception so that I can afford to see good entertainment and am then reminded that laughing is really good for you.

8. Not-maxed-out credit cards so I can finally get some good footwear for fest this next year.

9. Living only three miles from work so I can walk and save gas in the car which I'm thankful has a big trunk....to hide the bodies. Just seeing if you're paying attention.

10. The release of the Muppet Show seasons 1 - 3 so I can come up with good sketch ideas. Hopefully next year I'll be able to say that I'm thankful that Muppets Tonight was released.

11. To end on a mushy note, I'm thankful for all of the people in my life; the ones that I don't like because they make me face reality and the ones I do like because even though I live alone and am not officially "attached", I'm never truly alone.

Have a happy Thanksgiving everyone. See you in FIVE days! Woohoo!!!

Almost There

2008-11-25T08:05:00.003-06:00

This week is all about coffee and cars. I wouldn't be anywhere without them.

I'm all about getting from point A to point B, rarely do I concern myself with the journey. This character trait helps me to get to Potbelly's for lunch and back within 20 minutes but is a hindrance this week. I have every dish written out with notes on when I can prep things so I don't have to do everything on Thursday. Some things could be done on Sunday, Monday and Wednesday. Nothing can be done on Tuesday because it's either one day too long for something to chill or it's not enough time for something to set. So here I am today, looking back at my list every few minutes, checking to see if maybe there really is something I can do today. I then sigh, put the list down, check the calendar to make sure that it isn't Wednesday yet, and then slowly make myself realize that I'm just going to have to....(ugh) wait...for...Wednesday. I'll read through the Calvin and Hobbes daily cartoon website back to August 2005 to take my mind off of it.

Dad's coming home on Wednesday and I'd love to launch into a tirade about how the health care system sets you up to believe that if you pay for insurance your whole damn life that you'll be covered and oh don't forget we have the lovely Medicare system that pays for everything except that you have to have a 3-day qualifying hospital stay in order for Medicare to kick in and even though you were in the hospital and we discharged you one hour before your qualifying third day you still had to go to a nursing home because you're that incapacitated but we'll make sure that you're family knows that they can never tell you what you have to do but in the very next breath we're going to tell them that they have to come and pick you up and then to top it off we're only going to give them maybe a day's notice to do so. As much as I'd love to launch into that tirade, I won't.

I had dinner with mom over the weekend. She got her new couch. She was explaining to me that it was burgundy but it's a different color burgundy than the first one she looked at. Really? Different color burgundy huh? Don't give me any crap about poking fun at my mother, sometimes she's a really easy target.

I just checked the list again. It's still not Wednesday.

Start Stretching Your Stomach

2008-11-24T08:30:00.003-06:00

I shouldn't open my work email until after I write something here and get all comfy at my desk. I did it anyway this morning and exchanged a few um, stern emails with a FUBAR subcontract and now I'm cranky. Oh well, at least I still have all of my limbs. See, when you get angry about piddly stuff like that you have to remind yourself that it could always be worse.

If you missed the IAGG show last night, that's unfortunate because it was wonderful and there won't be one again until 2009 although the holiday season always rushes by and it'll be back before you know it so I guess you're not any worse off except that you missed Jill Bernard's comparison of The Nutcracker to socialism. Too bad she didn't touch on the pedophilia aspect of the story. I'm a bit thankful for that since my mother and I always go to see The Nutcracker every year and this year's turn is coming up on Dec. 13th. I'll just call on my familial traits of tuning the real world out so I'm not bothered by the fact that the wacky uncle is singling out the pubescent girl by slowly creeping towards her with a special gift like he was Gollum giving up the ring, WHY DOESN'T ANYONE STOP HIM...oo, dance of the snowflakes!

All food is bought and in it's proper holding place until the big day which is only three short days away. I've decided that I'm making my own dinner because I absolutely love making a huge dinner like that. I don't know that many people will show up but that'll just mean more left overs for me. I'm fine with that. You know, turkeys aren't as intimidating as you think. It's pretty easy to have them turn out good. You don't need to do the brining thing and you definitely don't need to do the basting thing. I've made two big ones now both with no basting or brining and they've turned out to be wonderful. The problem I have is trussing them correctly. I'm never quite certain how to tie those little fuckers up right. By the time I'm done, they look like little S&M turkeys. I'd make a horrible dominatrix...or a really good one, I'm not sure.

Only three work days this week, how wonderful is that? It's very wonderful.

Dear Days...

2008-11-21T08:00:00.003-06:00

Okay Friday, you better be good to me. I've worked really hard and have accepted all the crap your cronies have thrown at me, especially Tuesday, that little bitch. Tuesday was very mean and I want you to kick her ass. I expect you to be very pleasing tonight and to know exactly what I'll need to relax and then go tell Saturday to stretch out because I have a lot of things to do. Sunday is already in my good graces since he'll have the last IAGG for the year, he doesn't need to do much more than that to make me happy.

Listen Friday, I'm not done with you yet. What's with your drunk uncles November and December? Did they really have to put their holidays at their ends? Why don't they stick them up front where we can get them over with? And what's with December thinking he can stick christmas on a Thursday? Thursday??!! I love Thursday. Why does he have to soil Thursday with his stupid holiday? Does December realize that business communication will come to a halt now for his bottom half? If I try to get any answers out of anyone on the 16th, they may respond with "I'll get back to you by the 18th" but really they won't because the stupid office party will be on the 19th for which they have to start getting ready for on the 18th and then the 22nd and 23rd will be "call it in" days because what can you accomplish in two days? and then nothing will end up being completed until 2009. Your uncle's an asshole.

I have to go now because while you may be promising nice things at your end, you're demanding action on my part before I can get to it. Tease.

Where Did All of These Plebs Come From?

2008-11-20T07:42:00.003-06:00

If you're just headed out, I feel that I should warn you. It's a bit windy. My eyes watered the entire way to work, which is about 45 minutes. That's a long time for your eyes to water. My cheeks are nice and rosy though.

I'm a big fan of any documentary having to do with the British Monarchy. I couldn't stand Princess Di though. Anyway, PBS is airing The Royal Family At Work which is a slightly remixed version of the Queen Elizabeth documentary they aired last year but that's okay with me. They're concentrating more on the Queen's daily activities and social engagements. One thing I noticed about her is that when she's asking someone a question, which most people would consider inane chit chat, she will look straight at the person very intently, right in the eyes, and really listen to the answer. She's not looking over the head of the person, or looking around the room, she really seems interested in the answer. I think it'd be great to have a conversation with her. I think I'd probably start by asking her if Winston Churchill ever hit on her.

I hope you don't run out of food this weekend because this is it, the big weekend, the weekend to never step foot in a grocery store...the weekend before Thanksgiving. Most of the food items served for this dinner really can't be bought too far ahead of time. Potatoes, veggies, all that stuff really needs to be bought as close to the event as possible. Just to prove how wacked I am, I'm actually looking forward to going to a grocery store on Saturday. No wait, it should be Sunday because that's when the new fliers will be out with all the specials. It's better to go to the higher end stores like Lunds or Byerlys because that's where all the rude people are. It's fun to watch people who are used to waltzing in and picking through the fruit pile for the perfect item with no one invading their space have to start throwing elbows to get to a package of bacon. Yes, there are times that I revel in others' displeasure (is that apostrophe in the right place?).

There's going to be a hafla in Hopkins on Dec. 6th of which I will be dancing in with my class and also doing my quaint little drum solo. I'm nervous again now. I've been practicing it lately and I don't like it anymore. Well, I like the beginning but I don't like the last half. I have to work on my costume again because the coin top I got for the first show doesn't work well with what I do. When I move my arms in front of me, I hit the coins and they stay up which looks hilarious. I'm going to make some goddamn arm bands this time too.

I missed last Monday's class because I wasn't feeling well so Leslie said I could come to tonight's class as a make-up. She was thinking of moving me up to this class anyway. I'm a bit apprehensive about that because I like being an intermediate; you're not a beginner but you're also not held to perfection. I like keeping people's expectations low. Now I may have to forgo that, work harder and actually get better. Hopefully I'll get better. What if I don't? Aaaack! I don't need peer pressure, I provide my own.

I have to go now to write out my grocery list.

Turn the Radio Off, Just Use Your iPod

2008-11-19T08:21:00.003-06:00

Another day, another.......day. It's Wednesday right? Yes, I just checked. I forgot what day it was yesterday too. When tomorrow comes, I'll be thinking "Gee, where did the week go?"

Mom got dad into the nursing home again on a short-term stay so far. Hopefully that'll turn into long-term. I think there's a good chance for that. He's been getting weaker quickly and has been having more small strokes more often. His mind is pretty much completely shot. He doesn't make any sense when he talks but instead of being a sweet, confused old man he's a mean, confused old man. That's unfortunate. That means that no one wants him around. The end of his life, which is now, is going to be difficult for him and everyone around him. Oh well.

If you haven't discovered it yet, you may want to brace yourself. Christmas music has begun on the two twin cities stations that must be owned by satan. There should be a law that nothing related to the holiday season can begin until after Thanksgiving. The exception would be the BNW's holiday show. Everyone should see that regularly. It'll help, trust me.

I'm sorely lacking in the writing-capabilities category today. I'll work on that tonight. Now...to the paperwork.

My Nails Are Now Red

2008-11-17T07:50:00.003-06:00

Well, there's another weekend come and gone. I ended up spending a fair amount napping due to the double whammy of Nyquil and Dayquil. I felt something coming on Friday and decided to nip it in the bud. I was so sluggish that I think I would have rather walked around with a sore throat. We're all infecting each other right now anyway so don't give me that 'contagious' crap.

Saturday night I went out to the Beirut Restaurant in West St. Paul and holy crap is that place fun. Really good food mixed with really good Middle Eastern music and dancing and people end up staying from 8:00pm - 2am. Reservations are required otherwise you have to stand outside with your face pressed up against the window. It's not a big place.

I enjoyed a nice show at Improv A Go Go afterwhich I got a phone message from my mom saying that dad had another stroke and is in the hospital. She's hoping he stays there for three days so she can get him into a rehab/nursing home facility again and have the tab go to Medicare. Medicare owes her. They wrote a letter dated last November, which didn't arrive until April, saying that dad didn't have the three-day hospital stay required for his last trip to Edina Healthcare. He did but she missed the period to appeal because you only have ninety days to do so or some such thing. Mom started down the long path of trying to show people the discrepancy in correspondence dates and that he did stay in the hospital for three days anyway but got no where with the insurance companies, Edina Healthcare and Amy Klobuchar's office who first told her they would help, did nothing, then said "Oh, we don't really handle things like that". I've gotten off topic. Hopefully he'll be tossed in a facility and this will be a good holiday season.

After not being able to fall asleep right away, I finally started to drift off sometime around midnight when I suddenly noticed bright lights shining through my front door accompanied by knocks and the door bell. This shot me up out of bed to find Minneapolis' finest at my door. My first thought was that there was something going on with the burned out house next door but it turned out to be a wrong address. They were given my address my a security company saying an elderly lady needed assistance. I wasn't her. It's a little unsettling knowing that someone's assistance was delayed because of a possible transposed number. After my heart stopped racing, I fell asleep around 2am. I'm now sleepy. By the way, police flashlights are like spotlights. They lit up my whole living room from just one little hand-held metal tube.

This could be an interesting week.

Hmph

2008-11-14T08:03:00.003-06:00

I can feel that today is one of those days where I have little to no patience. That's bad timing because I have two meetings and one college assembly over the lunch hour. I have no patience for bullshit and I have a feeling I'm going to be fed a lot of it today. I also have this sinking feeling that I forgot to turn my headlights off. At least I'll get more exercise walking back the eight blocks to my car. I'd rather have more exercise than a dead battery.

I got the same lovely letter from my county that Fitz got about taxes and I'm not trying to copy him, but I definitely share that same feeling of anger. At least it wasn't like last year's letter that told me there were still back taxes on the property that needed to be cleared up from the previous owner. My taxes are increasing 1.3%. Luckily I'll get a 3% salary increase in June which will net things out to 1.7% overall which is lower than the 4.something% the U of M's union was striking for last year when Obama came through town and wrote a letter to President Bruininks about how unfair he was. I wonder if Obama will blow through town again and write a letter to Hennepin county for me? I don't see that coming. I'll have to take another look at the line items but last night I seem to remember seeing that specifics such as sewer and garbage were decreasing. So it may be that my property taxes will be going more for things that aren't related to my property.

Hmph. At least I have a house and the furnace works...and I can still afford Netflix...which reminds me!....Casino Royale kind of sucks. I was bored to tears. Why were Daniel Craigs' eyes digitized so much? Okay they're blue, we get it. I don't need bright blue laser beams emitting from my television screen. They were scaring The Cat.

Off to other things. Have a good weekend.

Post Script

2008-11-13T07:53:00.004-06:00

An hour after I posted yesterday's blog, I thought "Wait! If two of us tied for 5th and then they skipped to 3rd, they did have an extra medal. One marked '4th' which we should have been anyways. What did they do with that medal??!! Why couldn't they have given it to me??!!" That whole situation stinks of deceit.

I have only randomness today:

I paid my electric bill twice; once online and once by mail. I'd like twice as much electricity for the month now please.
Since my vacuum is broken and I can't afford a new one and The Cat won't agree to stop shedding, I'm going to dye The Cat blue so he matches the rugs.
While I respect the office of The President, I am looking forward to George W. Bush leaving office and taking his goofdom with him. Sometimes people may comment about a person like that saying "He's one of those folks you could have a beer with." No, I wouldn't want to even stand by him around a bon fire drinking heavily. Now T.P.ing I might do with him. I think he'd be good at that.
Cryptic item: Stop following? Really? Stop following? Now I'm going to read everything twice! Maybe even three times. HA! Take that!
I caught a small group of people trying to pull some crap by using a grant in a way it wasn't intended for. They continued to try to intimidate me by lying and I totally busted them. I feel invincible.
I left my office keys inside my office yesterday and had to have my co-worker let me into my office this morning. Invincibility was short-lived.
I am now becoming consumed by the organization bug and am organizing every closet, cupboard, nook and cranny in my living space. Don't stand too close to me, I may organize you.

It's rainy and dark outside. I want to stay in my office and read various news websites. No work, just news.

Let's Tie One On

2008-11-12T07:50:00.003-06:00

You know what's great about waffles? Besides the fact that they're waffles and usually nothing more needs to be said? You can make a whole mess of them at once and they'll keep beautifully in the fridge for days. Maybe a nice big plate of warm waffles would help the current senate situation. I don't know how but it wouldn't hurt.

So Sara Palin is now being interviewed in her kitchen while she whips together a chicken salad or a side of moose or whatever it is she cooks. Ooooo, she can wash her hands and talk about energy options at the same time. One clip shows her counting off on her fingers "coal, natural gas, oil..." don't get these mixed up with the eggs and milk. Wouldn't it be funny if she left the refrigerator door open at the same time? That tends to happen when you're in the middle of a culinary masterpiece and you need an onion...and then maybe some cheese...hang on, anything else? Um, no, okay I'll close the door. If her door isn't open during the interviews then I think that proves she really isn't preparing any food item.

I caught a commercial last night on the Blue Pages of the phone book as a place to find legal help. The commercial listed off some situations where you may need legal help. The screen graphic showed "BUI" but the announcer said "Boating while intoxicated" and I thought perhaps the waffles had interfered with my hearing. That wasn't the case though as the next graphic was "SUI" and the announcer said "Sledding while intoxicated." Are we replacing u's with w's? I think there may have been some editing while intoxicated during production.

I have a kind-of-sports question. Let's say that there are four people competing and at the end, there's a first place, a second place and then the last two people tie. Do they tie for 3rd or 4th place? When I was in high school, I tied another girl on vault (I mean that we both received the same score for our performance on vault) and I thought it was going to be 4th place but the judges said we were tied for 5th and then skipped over a 4th place and went on to 3rd place. On Dancing With The Stars, there were 5 couples left with two of them tying and the score board said they were tied for fourth, why weren't they tied for 5th? Just because it's a reality show, I don't think they should be able to just change the rules of tie-dom.

You know what added insult to injury? Not only was there not a type of element associated with my 5th/4th tie, there was only one medal so we flipped and the other girl won. Then my coach bought me a medal so I'd have one too and had it engraved with 6th place!!! I covered it with a piece of masking tape and wrote "5th" over the "6th". I could have written"4th" but I figured the rules of tie-dom were finite and unyielding.

My Nails are Hot Pink

2008-11-10T08:33:00.004-06:00

This just in, Queen Elizabeth II is upset at a specially chosen composer (can't remember his name) for his choice in music for Prince Charles' 60th birthday. That man is never going to be king. He's already 60 for crying out loud. I wonder if there's any family tension there. What ever happened to the good old royal intrigue and killings? Has the increase in real-time media coverage put a stop to it? Maybe that and crime labs. Bummer.

I'm not trying to pick a fight or anything, but I finished some christmas shopping this weekend. Actually, all of it. I know that I've already said that no one is getting anything, but timing is everything. See, because I'm paid bi-weekly, I get 26 paychecks in a year which means that 2 of them end up being "extra" paychecks. The usual monthly paychecks go towards mortgage (the first one of the month) and bills (the last one). Twice a year, I get an extra one that falls in between the two usuals. One of those times of the year is this month. It also happens to correspond to me finding some nice gift boxes at Penzy's Spices and then having a flash of creativity and finding other cheap stuff that'll make great gifts. So....I'm done.

In case you are now mad at me for having one of the biggest holiday pains in the ass completed, this next news bit will make you feel better. My vacuum broke. The wiring on the cord finally split and there's no hope because I'm not an electrician and because a cheap Dirt Devil is not worth finding an electrician for. My hand vac also broke. I need to correct that - my hand vac never worked so it' still broken. On Sunday when I tried to vacuum up all of the floating hair balls (both The Cat's and mine), I became enraged at the breakage and threw them both out the back door. That feels really good by the way. If you have an opportunity to do so, throw things out of your back door.

I took the lovely Miss Leslie Kennedy's Turkish dance workshop over the weekend and it was loads of fun. Not so much fun for the calves with all the hopping, but the floor work was great. I'm now into floor work. There's lots of fun, creative things to do on the floor. *snicker* The only thing about practicing floor stuff is that The Cat has to get in there every time. What is it about cats and their tails? They think their tails are the best thing to ever hit this earth. Have you noticed that? If you get your face down to within a foot of the floor, they'll run over and swish their tail in your face "Hey, while you're down here, look at my tail!"

Well, on to getting some work done. Bye.

Alright, if you say so...

2008-11-06T08:11:00.003-06:00

Boy, I hope the majority of Americans are right. I really do. I've been witnessing massive outbreaks of joy and happiness around me along with the "status updates" indicating so but I can't seem to share that feeling. I remember it though. I felt like that the first time I could vote in 1992 when I voted for Clinton and was uber excited for all of this "change". Since then, it's been 16 years of presidential disappointment. Within those 16 years, I've also experienced disappointment with us regular Joe's too.

I think I put too much faith in others. I build them up too much so that when they lie or deceive, I take it really hard. Failure is fine, people fail all the time which doesn't mean they're inherently bad, it just means that their actions aren't working out. Lying is different. Lying is an intention to deceive, it's betrayal, it's a very bad thing to do to someone. I try not to believe in things or people anymore, I think it's more realistic to look mainly at the facts and form your opinions from there. If you believe in someone and they end up doing the exact opposite of what they told you they would do and worse yet, purposely deceive you, it can be pretty painful. You wouldn't have to go through that pain if you didn't believe in them in the first place.

Obama has made the claim that he will always be honest about the challenges we face and that if I don't currently support him, he'll try to earn my support. Great, I hope you do. Now that you've said you'll be honest, you damn well better be. One thing I was glad to see is that he didn't mention anything about Joe the fucking Plumber.

Here's What I Think...

2008-11-05T07:16:00.003-06:00

I refuse to contribute to the barrage of election result commentary that will attack us for the next several days if not months. Instead, I'll just say that reviewing the actual results is fascinating to me because it's the only time I can gauge what the rest of the country is feeling. I think it's as accurate as we can get. Polls and surveys don't really do it, actual votes do. So I will study the results on a webpage to eliminate the human voices telling me what to make of them, and then use those results to form opinions of the rest of you.

One thing that should be done immediately is to pass a mandatory opening hour law for all coffee houses to be open no later than 6:30am. Waiting until 7:00 is just ridiculous.

I have to go look at a bunch of red and blue bar graphs now.

Where'd The Time Go?

2008-11-04T07:23:00.003-06:00

It's November 4th...do you know what that means? It's already four days into NaNoWriMo and I haven't even started yet!!! How did this happen??!! I remember sitting last week just waiting for it to be November so I could start and now I've let four days go by with no activity! This means I have 40,000 words to catch up on today or if I wait for the weekend, that'll be 80,000. I'm very disappointed in myself. Oh, and I get to vote today.

I can't recall any election in the past that I've been so glad to see finally get here. Not because it's supposedly "earth-shattering" because all of them are, but because the ads will finally end. Maybe the news will start reporting on things like the Joint Economic Committee hearings or the crop estimates or the traffic, fuck, anything! Anything! Please, report on anything else! In spite of this little rant, I still do get excited about voting. I'm damn glad I get to do it.

Let's move on to Facebook. Here's an interesting thing that I find is bothering me. People I graduated from high school with are contacting me now. As you may know, when you want to look at someone's profile you usually need to make a request that they add you as a friend. So you add the person as a friend which only means that you give them permission to view your page. Does Facebook have to use the term "friend" for this? Let's make it a little more accurate and call them "authorized personnel" or something a little more cold and unfeeling. That way, when you really want to deny their request because they didn't keep in touch with you starting the hour after the graduation commencement and they barely made you feel like a friend during the high school experience, it won't seem like a personal attack; or if they rebuked your advances or you're still waiting for an answer to the "will you go to the dance with me" question, you won't seem like someone who's harboring past resentment. If I just removed the part of my page where I list my high school and graduation year, I wouldn't have to contemplate things like this.

I have two interviews this week. They came up rather quickly. I've been half-heartedly applying to other positions around the U thinking that a change may be good but I haven't heard back from any of them...until now and then I get two in one week. Our own little micro-market is very tight. People are jumping ship everywhere mostly because of the new financial system and people's reactions to it. How you deal with stress tends to show your real colors. People suddenly discover that they don't want to work with the people they're working with and that any other place would be better than where they currently are. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about my current work situation but I better make a decision about it quickly. I hate wasting people's time. A half-hearted interview is a waste of time.

Speaking of work....

"tis the season for goddamn holidays

2008-11-03T07:49:00.003-06:00

One holiday weekend down, only three more to go before we can get back to planning for summer.

I was in costume the whole frickin' day on Friday from 6:00am until 9:30pm and I've never wanted to get make-up off of my face so badly. I was disappointed that barely anyone at the U had dressed up. I love dressing up as Miss Conception (the pregnant beauty queen from hell) because people have such a great initial reaction to it but trying to type with satin gloves on and work with a Barbie tiara digging into your head is difficult. I also had about three meetings to go to that day so I was walking across campus several times. I then also went out for lunch because while I remembered to walk out of the house with everything I needed for my night costume, I forgot to take my lunch. I wasn't ever nervous or self-conscious about being practically the only one in costume walking across campus, but it is difficult sometimes to keep a straight face when you see someone walking towards you who is slowly realizing what your costume is.

After work, I rushed out to St. Louis Park to join my friend's little production that she likes to put on for kiddies in the neighborhood. We haven't done that in a while because Halloween falling during the week is a pain in the ass. I did the quick-change from pregnant mess to somewhat put-together Elvira look-alike. Yes this was appropriate for kids because cleavage did NOT make an appearance that night and I don't have a southern accent. By 9:00pm I was pooped and my feet were killing me to the point where I was actually getting shooting pains through my feet when I would step in a certain way.

Saturday morning I woke up feeling like crap and figured I had spent a little too much time outside in a backless dress. Even though it was warm for October, it wasn't warm for a backless dress and I was chilled the rest of the day. Even though it was nice out, wait, was it nice out? I can't remember. Anyway, I repainted my bathroom and did all the other stuff you have to do when you repaint the bathroom which always includes caulking. I'm getting really good at this. It helps when you use the correct type. See, there's outdoor caulk and there's indoor caulk. If you use outdoor caulk on your bathtub, it'll crack. Just a little hint.

I made three trips out to Ridgedale to get liquid eyeliner (long story) and practice has now commenced. Painting black liquid lines on your eyelids is definitely something that requires practice. I'm not bad considering that I don't have the correct brush. It'll get better. Until then, my coworkers are going to have to put up with me possibly looking pretty frightening some days.

A recap of TV viewing: campaign ads, smearing campaign ads, another campaign ad; American Bellydancer which is a documentary of the "best" bellydancers on tour with Miles Copeland who seems to be the perfect example of the money-grubbing music exec trying to categorize or quantify middle eastern dancers as the best or not the best strictly on whether he likes to look at them or not; Caligula with Peter O'Toole and John Gielgud and I got it because Peter O'Toole and John Gielgud were in it and I figured "how could it be bad?" well, it's...it's...um...holy crist you can get this thing on Netflix?!!; and finally, D.L. Hughley's show had one good episode, the first one, and now it sucks. It sucks so bad that it could suck a watermelon through a garden hose, that's right, the show could suck a watermelon through a garden hose. This show is horrible. Who did this to him? Who's responsible?

Time to make the donuts.

Boo.

2008-10-31T07:52:00.002-05:00

WOOHOO!!!!! It's here!!! Halloween!!!!! WOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!!!!! I love halloween. I have not just one costume but two. I get to do a costume change today. How exciting. I am heretofore known as Miss Conception afterwhich I will become this witchy looking thing for my friend's living room window. My friends like to put this thing on, I think I've gone through this before so I'm not covering it again. Anyhoo, it's fun wearing a costume to work. I can't remember the last time I did that. I feel like a little kid. Opening doors with your pregnant belly is fun too. Going to the bathroom will not be. Fun, that is.

Damn it, coffee's kicking in.

She's Got Bette Davis Eyes...if Bette Davis had purple eyes

2008-10-30T07:32:00.003-05:00

Another day, another nine hours of pouring through paper with large amounts of tiny numbers on them and staring at webpage after webpage filled with large amounts of tiny numbers. I started wearing glasses when I was about nine and have periodically broken them numerous times. They aren't really broken now, they just have their screws loose and I don't have a little screw driver to fix them. When I got my first pair, I wanted them to be big like Linda Carter's on Wonder Woman. My mom vetoed that so I got a smaller pair but still had the cool turtle-shell type, mottled-looking design on the rims. When I got into junior high, I wanted a pair where the temples came out from my ears but then curved down to attach at the bottom part of the frame. I got them and they soon became a pain in the ass. I barely ever wore them. I haven't worn the pair I have now for so long that I can't remember what they look like. I should look for them tonight after work. It'll be like opening a present. I should also fix them and put them on because I end up squinting by the end of the day.

I was never able to get contacts because I was told that my particular eyesight problem could not be accommodated by contacts. Whatever happened to that huge rage over colored contacts? It started when I was in high school. An Asian friend of mine wanted blue eyes so she got the blue contacts but when put over her dark brown eyes, they only made her look like she had cataracts, or like an aging dog. I'm not calling her a dog but I'm saying her eyes looked like a dog's eyes who is nearing the end of it's life span. I would have wanted purple eyes. Why? Because I saw them in a magazine and they looked really cool.

You know what I miss the most about not having cable? Scary movies around Halloween. There haven't really been any on network TV except for Fallen last weekend. I love that movie but I've seen it a million times so it's not really scary or creepy, I just consider it to be a good movie. I could watch it around christmas and enjoy it just as much. I also miss watching Bravo's Top 100 (or whatever number) Most Scary Movie Moments. Is that even on anymore? It was a great show because it was like one long trailer for a ton of scary movies you may never have heard about before.

Other than that, I don't really miss cable except for C-Span 2 because Comcast moved it off of the basic lineup and up to the package where the digital box is required. Remember when the History Channel used to be about historical stuff? All different kinds of historical stuff? And Bravo was an artsy-cutting edge type of channel that aired good independent movies, widescreen and without commercials? Heidi Klum is not a good independent movie.

Time to get back to squinting. Don't forget to wear your costume to work tomorrow. Someone asked if I was going to wear my "renaissance costume" on Halloween and I almost punched them. Great, now I've become one of those sensitive snobs who insists that you refer to my fest clothing as "garb".

It's Time to Play the Music, It's Time to Light the Lights

2008-10-29T08:24:00.004-05:00

So the North East is experiencing some flurries and a bit of wind? The Weather Channel is stating that it could be a historical snow storm? Can someone please give me a small fucking break? Three feet of snow on Halloween in Duluth (the Twin Cities only got 2.3 feet, pansies), with all the roads completely shut down unless you had a snowmobile (which most people did) and my '79 Camaro completely buried to the point where I had to walk forward slowly hoping I would eventually run into the hood, now THAT'S a snow storm. So shut your cake hole Jersey Shore.

I found the first three seasons of The Muppet Show on sale at Barnes & Noble so I have been awash in the bliss that is puppet sketch comedy. I've only gotten through 3/4 of season one, but so far Rita Moreno is in the lead for the best episode. Of course the "Fever" number with Animal is awesome enough to be a big hit on YouTube, but her opening number is phenomenal. It's a dance with a human wearing a muppet head which cuts to a life-size stuffed muppet she whips around over the bar, then goes back to the human, etc. The editing is really good but there are also points at which they couldn't edit so someone had to get the human dancer off and the stuffed muppet on before Rita danced her way back again. Really good stuff. Now it can get as cold as it wants, I've got Muppets to watch.

Cloris Leachman hit the bricks last night on Dancing With The Stars although she claims that she's not going to leave. They may have voted her off but she's not leaving. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I hope I can be like her when I grow up.

Time to go to argue/work.

Monday already?

2008-10-27T07:47:00.003-05:00

There's finally a reason to watch CNN...for D.L. Hughley. He has a new show on Sunday nights called "D.L. Hughley Breaks the News" and although most of the content was on the election, we did learn from the international correspondents that India doesn't give a rats ass about our elections because they just sent someone into space and they won a big cricket match.

I had a rather nice weekend although it seemed too short. This means that I've reached the saturation point with relaxation and need to cram more things into the weekend. I'm still on the hunt for a part-time job but I must admit, I haven't been trying all that hard lately. Now I'm going to step it up again because places are hiring for the holiday season. I want to try to get into one of those places and earn at least a few bucks before they realize they don't need any extra help due to the economy.

I finally attended a Villification Tennis show at the BLB Saturday night which was a great show and where Linda did a good job although she REFUSES TO BELIEVE IT!!! The show included a segment of Rik Reppe storytelling. I love this man. I could listen to him for hours. He can tell a story unlike anyone you've ever heard before. No one can touch him. He's a part of the Rockstar Storytellers group that also performs at the BLB once a month (?) and has a performance this Tuesday.

While I would love to see Reppe again on Tuesday, I can't swing the $12 to get in because I'm putting myself back on the Spartan budget plan. I've decided that I really like heat so I'd rather pay for that. Instead, I may try to catch a Six Ring show at the BNW which I haven't seen for quite awhile. Only $1, plenty left over for heat.

Speaking of heat, I love this weather. I really loved it yesterday. I was out in it for a little while and it felt really good to come back inside. That kind of weather gives you a reason to come back inside and get all cuddly. I appreciate it more. I know, I'm weird. I'm also irritated that the word "weird" doesn't follow the "i before e except after c" rule.

Last Chance at a Campfire Mocha

2008-10-24T07:06:00.002-05:00

Have you ever seen a black squirrel? I have. There's one in the neighborhood. I see it when I'm walking home from work along the river road. He's really quite striking but the poor thing keeps getting pushed around by the grey squirrels. They pick on him incessantly, always putting the black squirrel down, brother can't get a break.

The Caribou in Dinkytown is closing. Dinkydome will be expanding on that block by building underground parking and a 12 to 15 floor housing complex. This will take until September 2010, or so the PR people claim. In the meantime, Caribou must close. This is enough to drive my poor co-worker, Georgia, over the edge. Georgia has worked at the U for close to 20 years but she had a break in there for about a year where she officially terminated her appointment so she doesn't get the retirement benefits of a twenty-year veteran. If you terminate and then come back, you start over. She was eligible for the early retirement package offered this year but can't take it because the retirement benefits are not enough for her to live on. She has to keep working. She's a nervous type, a big worrier. She's also scared to try new things, not just apprehensive or uneasy about trying new things, she's downright scared. She's told me this several times. She's complimented me several times on my courage to go out and try to learn the new system. Georgia is floundering in the sea of change.

On the other side of the spectrum, there's Fred in Facilities Management. Fred is not just in Facilities Management, he is Facilities Management, he's the whole department. He alone is responsible for all of the physical space the college occupies which includes about 13 buildings across two campuses. He oversees all of the physical office moves which have been extensive and non-relenting since 2006. Plans are made and begun then plans suddenly change. Fred is the most anal-retentive person I have ever met. He puts me to shame. To look at him, you'd think he would be more like Georgia but he's the exact opposite. He's doing just fine with all of the chaos. We had a meeting last week where he mentioned that one has to be flexible throughout every aspect of their life if they want to get through it well. So while his office is perfectly laid out with every pencil in it's proper drawer tray and piles of documents laid out at 90-degree angles to each other, there's this whirlwind of activity around him. He's like the eye of the hurricane. Nothing bothers him. The only thing I don't get is why he painted his office dark navy blue. It's like working in the middle of the night every day.

Personality assessments aside, another weekend is upon us. I'll be attending the VilTen performance at BLB (hopefully it isn't sold out yet) and getting back to IAGG. Speaking of IAGG, I caught a small portion of the Second City documentary on PBS last night. Since the topic was Second City, I wasn't surprised to hear people gushing over how great Second City is and how awful it would be if Second City never existed but I think the Brave New Workshop is better. I could be biased, I'm not sure. I want every one to know how great the place is and how talented every one is that ever performs there but I don't want any bigwigs coming in trying to take over the place or worse yet, trying to take the talent away. Sorry improvers, you'll just have to sacrifice your future financial security for my own selfish wants. Stay here where I can easily see you.

No, You Can Not Walk With Me

2008-10-23T07:22:00.003-05:00

It seems like only two years and some odd days ago when Senator Obama took the podium at St. Louis Park Junior High and spat out a collection of short sentences as if he were Freddie Mercury trying to get the crowd whipped up to vote for Amy Klobuchar. I said to my unimpressed self "Gee, he'll probably be president one day." And then it seems like only like a year and a month since Obama drove through town stopping long enough to draft a letter to U of M President Bruininks telling him how to behave although Obama had no idea what he was talking about. I said to my annoyed self "Gee, he'll make a good talking head for someone else's agendas."

It seems like before I was born since McCain was sitting in a hovel-type cell in Southeast Asia dreaming of being president one day (okay, probably dreaming of not being tortured) then giving it a valiant try in 2000 and losing, then giving it a half-hearted try in 2004 and losing, now using what ever means necessary in 2008. I get the feeling that he's sick of losing and has taken notes on how the others have won and will now employ the same tactics, anything to get himself into the White House. I'd say something about "my fill-in-the-blank self" but I can't seem to about someone who was a prisoner so I'll pick on his wife. Woman, have a sandwich.

Now there's only two weeks left and a part of me, the unimpressed, annoyed part of me, will miss this hubbub. That's a very small part of me though.

I like Dancing With The Stars. I didn't like it at first because it was in direct competition with America's Next Top Model so therefore didn't get watched. Ever since Penn Jillette was on, I've been oddly addicted. I miss a good portion of it because my dance lessons usually fall on one of the nights or interrupts the last portion. I think this current cast is highly entertaining. I've always liked Cloris Leachman but holy crap that woman is hilarious!!! I hope I'm like her when I grow up. She may be making a lot of jokes but you can also see on her face that she's taking it seriously when she's dancing and also waiting to hear whether she's getting the axe or not.

Speaking of the axe, I was sorry to see Toni Braxton go because she's married to a guy I went to junior high and high school with. Kerry Lewis is related to Terry Lewis from that Minneapolis power Flyte Time producer duo Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis. I think Terry is his brother but I could be off by a branch. Anyhoo, Kerry is the coolest person that I have ever met in my life. He was cool in 7th grade and never stopped being cool. I can't remember in what class we had first met but I do remember one health class we took in high school. He missed a class and asked if he could copy my notes. The next day he came in and asked if I can actually read my own notes. Of course I could, they were mine. Well, I could read most of it. He said that he had really tried, but he just couldn't get through most of it. It was a really cool way of telling me that I have horrible handwriting. I caught a few glimpses of him in the audience every now and then (I'm talking about the show again) and he still looks cool.

If you get a chance, try to catch the Chicago 10 episode of Independent Lens on PBS. Since there were no actual photos of the court case, a director put together a film using animation and the court transcripts. It's a really good documentary combining the Democratic Convention protests/riots in 1968 and the resulting court case. Okay really, even in 1968 were there many people who could listen to Alan Ginsberg without going crazy?

Ooh! That reminds me...yesterday after work as I'm walking down Pillsbury drive, a girl stops me and says "Excuse me, hi, I'm Katie" I stare at her waiting to explain why I should care that she's Katie. She continues with "I was wondering if I could walk with you and talk a bit" and again I stare waiting for her to explain what she's going to talk about. She comes to the climax with "I'm Christian" and pauses to I think let me hoop and hollar about the fact that she's christian. When I don't, she keeps continuing with "I wanted to talk to you about..." but I cut her off with "NO WAY!" and even laugh a little as I say it because that was the funniest thing someone had said to me all day. She looked quite insulted. My work here is done.

Get Off My Island

2008-10-21T07:20:00.003-05:00

I've just gotten word last night that Minneapolis is not suffering from recession so I'm constructing a mote to keep you losers out. I already have the river on the side closest to me so only three sides to go. Yes, a square mote. With ramparts.

I actually had to don a scarf this morning and kept it on the entire duration of my walk to work. I don't view that as a bad thing. I love winter so this is just a gentle reminder that snow is on it's way.

Back in March when I had first heard that our chart of account strings were changing from seven digits to anywhere from fourteen to thirty-something, I thought there was no way in hell to ever learn what all of those fucking numbers meant. I can now read them like they were text so this proves that anything is possible. 1701-11182-20280-UMF0005216-2731156 means that this is a restricted nonsponsored account for a professor in CEHD's Dean's Office that is used to pay Admin. Fellows funded specifically by an endowment account. Cool huh? Just when you think you're too old to learn something. I can also stand on my head.

It's been ten days since my neighbor's abandoned house caught on fire and no one from his family has been over to see it yet. What happens to houses in a situation like that? Does the bank have to now take back a house that is uninhabitable? I'm not anticipating any tellers coming over soon to rake. Whatever does happen, I'm sure it won't happen over night. I feel bad for the son. His family had a chance to try and sell the house and put the proceeds into an account for him but now he has nothing. Way to go, family. Is that comma in the right place?

Well, on to the day's tragedies and triumphs.

It's Nice Out (I Couldn't Think Of Another Title)

2008-10-20T07:38:00.003-05:00

I'm thinking of moving to some location in Anoka County just so I can NOT vote for Michele Bachmann. I used to work in Ham Lake for the Anoka Conservation District, which is the local equivalent of the DNR. I did GIS mapping for the DNR's land cover inventory project and some other crap. Anoka county is beautiful but a couple of things confused me; Bethel and East Bethel. Did you know that East Bethel is bigger than Bethel? Bethel's location looks like a band-aid between St. Francis and East Bethel (tinyurl.com). How did East Bethel get to be so big? When Bethel was formed, why didn't they just take up more room? Something about that configuration bothers me.

I spent the weekend renovating my small red room. I call it my red room because I painted it red, with red oil paint. If you're going to use oil-based paint, use it on a small room. Oil-based paint is a tremendous pain in the ass to work with but you end up with really great results and really big forearms. Anyways, I put in new flooring and added two big mirrors so now I can use it as a dance studio. Dance studio sounds almost too big for the room since it's only 8.5 feet by 9 feet but it sounds nice so I'm sticking with it.

I've almost finished nesting meaning that I've gotten everything put away, covered up, sealed and emptied for the winter. I just need some more leaves. Luckily, my friends have lots of leaves and I didn't even have to rake them. I showed up Sunday morning and there was the pile. Now I can comfortably hole myself up in my abode and ride out this economic storm. Maybe when I step out next spring I'll be able to afford a new car. A new-used car. While Buick's are very nice, it's a pain to not have the ability to strap a ladder or kayak to my roof. I don't need much space in the back seat because I don't often drive other people around. Maybe an El Camino. Then I'd have the cargo space without the testosterone-driven pick-up. Plus El Camino's are really cool.

This week at work is shaping up to be very exciting. Tomorrow is the official announcement that my director is moving on to another college. It'll be interesting to see how many people in the room are actually surprised by this. See, rumors fly quite quickly in our college so I'm sure almost everyone already knows about this news piece. Hopefully the rest of us will learn what will happen with us too. We're due for another organizational structure. We'll either end up back in the departments (decentralized) or all together completely in the college (centralized). Up to this point, we've tried to combine decentralized with centralized. One problem with this is that there's no term for it. You can't call it decentralized because there is some centralization and any step away from centralization is decentralization but this isn't it because there's some centralization. See the problem? We don't know what to call ourselves. Others have some good names for us but I don't like any of them.

I have to go reorganize my iTunes playlists.

So A Rabbi Walks Into A Bar....

2008-10-17T07:38:00.004-05:00

I hate to talk about politics BUT.....did you catch the Alfred E. Smith charity event last night on C-SPAN (and partially on CNN but with screen shots of Bill Maher and Larry King)? I've never heard of this before. Apparently the descendants of Alfred E. Smith who was governor of New York and the first catholic presidential nominee in 1928 have held a big-ass dinner inviting all of the cool people and a bishop and put it on TV. McCain and Obama were together wearing the same type of tux (how embarrassing!) and both recited a medium-length "humorous" monologue. Oh, and the event allegedly raised 2.5 million for catholic causes...like banning gay marriage, banning gays, banning free thought and promoting guilt.

I only caught the last part of McCain's performance. I tried to pay attention but the old man sitting behind him distracted me with his constant eating. I don't know who this man was but he was clearly not impressed with the floor show. He never laughed, chuckled, guffawed, popped his shoulders, smirked, nothing. He just kept filling his pie-hole with, well, probably pie. AND he chewed with his mouth open. That was the intriguing part. This man is important enough to be seated in a very strategic seat at possibly one of the most self-gratifying "charity" events but he can't even chew with his mouth closed. Maybe no one will say anything to him because they figure now that he's 100 years old, he can do whatever he wants. My 92-year old grandmother used to fart a lot towards the end of her life. She stopped caring whether anyone would mind. Although she still hid her gin and crackers in a closet.

Out of the two, I'd have to say that McCain had better delivery. Obama seemed like he really didn't want to read much of what was in front of him. He didn't read through it much beforehand but then again, maybe it was still going through revision before his turn at the mic. He did have a great zinger though when he made fun of Rudolph Guliani's makeup-wearing escapades and turned to McCain and said "Gee John, heck of a primary you had there!" There were actually a few boo's in response to this but I thought it was funny. I bet on the inside, McCain thought it was funny too.

Hilary was there but Bill wasn't. The place would probably burn down if Bill Clinton showed up to anything associated with catholicism. The big name TV hoo-ha's were there too like Katie Couric and what's-his-face from NBC. Dark-haired guy, you know the one. Interesting gathering of people all in one place. I wonder what the security was like. If that room blew up, we'd be without a large majority of leaders and no one to tell us about it.

So the weekend is here. Do you have your pumpkin yet? I don't. I'm going to get one this year. I didn't last year and I believe that was the reason I didn't get one goddamn kid at my door demanding candy. Since I no longer have broadleaf trees in my yard, I'll have to go scrounging for leaves to cover my gardens up with. I may even have to go down to the river road and rake the boulevard. I'll do it at night so no one sees me.

The Dregs have their CD release party Saturday night at Tillie's Bean. Show up, they're awesome.

Boo! Hee hee

2008-10-16T08:27:00.003-05:00

Ah Thursday. Only one day away from Friday. I've always liked Thursdays because of the very fact that they're one day away from Friday. It's like a pre-preparation for the prepping you'll do on Friday for the weekend.

I received Nosferatu from Netflix yesterday. I love Netflix. You ask for something and they send it to you. Anyhoo, I was a little disappointed in the movie. The parts are wonderful but the whole is uneventful. The black and white, grainy film is creepy enough but the fact that Max Schreck, who by far is the creepiest monster ever because that's really him except for the fingers and a little makeup, is on that black and white grainy film is super creepy. Even Nina is creepy. The soundtrack is a full orchestra playing absolutely beautiful classical music but unfortunately, none of it matched up with the action on screen. The scary parts had light-hearted flute music playing over them which made it seem comical. At the end, I thought the whole thing was rather cute instead of terrifying. Max Schreck actually looks like what my grandmother would look like if she shaved her head and was very surprised (his eyes were popping out through the whole film).

My day job is shaping up to go through another major change. I've just gotten word that the director of my unit is leaving that position and moving to another unit. This is a prime example of how sometimes you just have to let the bad stuff play out because it will bring a change at the end of it which may seem bad at first but will be good in the long run. It's needed. I have strong loyalties to my director because I worked with her in my old college and I think she's very good at her job. She's been miserable here though for some time so it's a good change for her.

This hasn't been officially announced yet, that'll happen next Tuesday. Until that time, I will no longer abide by procedures I feel are convoluted and instead do things the way I can clearly see are more efficient. Arrogant? Yes. Fed up? Yup. Maverick? Oooooo! Sarah Palin look the hell out, there's a new maverick in town! You know, I used to like that word, maverick. No longer. In fact I hate it. Too bad, it's a cool word.

So, is anyone interested in getting some maple for their fireplace and have a chainsaw? I'd like to cut my two enormous trunks down a bit. If so, let me know.

Ladies and Gentleman, Put Your Hands Together For.....

2008-10-15T07:17:00.005-05:00

It's done! Whew! Did it! I got my glittery butt on stage (although a very small stage, it's still a stage) last night at the Mediterranean Cruise Cafe and did some stuff with my arms and hips in conclusion to the lovely Miss Leslie Kennedy's performance course. I can happily report that I made it out alive. Here's a brief re-telling of the evening in an attempt to give you a sense of really "being there" with me:

4:17pm - left work early and am now flipping out but controlling it by making lists and planning out every minute working backwards:
6:15 - leave
6:00 - finish make-up
5:42 - flip out
5:30 - start make-up
5:27 - get a drink of water
5:25 - non-frizzy hair will be done
5:10 - run around packing bag while drying hair
5:00 - start hair
4:59 - finish watching Judge Judy

4:22pm - make note to self to look up the Clean Water Lake amendment thingy

4:23pm - didn't map out 4:24 - 4:59 so I'm wandering aimlessly

4:41pm - finished the dishes...what? Yes, this is what happens when I wander aimlessly

5:49pm - WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR??!!! I mean afterwords, when I'm done

5:59pm - I HAVE NO ARM BANDS!!!! I have enough glitter to make up for it

6:25pm - arrive 35 minutes early to the restaurant but yet am the third one there - whew, not alone in my neurosis

As I was walking back to put my stuff in the closet aka dressing room, which was pointed out to me by one of the bar regulars, the bar regular said "Erin's here. I showed her where to put her stuff." I figured she meant Erin Nelson who has probably danced there before so I didn't correct her because it's no bad thing to be mistaken for Erin (sorry Erin). Then I thought that the bar regular probably now thinks Erin put on a few pounds...geez, sorry Erin.

The long walk down the plank began at 7:30pm. While we've been in class together for eight weeks, we all became pretty close within those 2 proceeding hours; we were all terrified. That's why we all took the class to begin with. One dancer is incredibly good and to watch her you wouldn't know that she was ready to puke just minutes before.

I got up there and once I was there, I felt much better. I tried approaching it like the wine show; welcome to my show, you are now in my show. It was over much faster than I thought it would be, although I kept shaking for some time afterwords.

It feels great to have that first time over with. Now I'm ready to do it again tonight. Oh! AND the hockey game was on which we won! How much better can it get than that? It can't I tell you.

P.S. Notice how there's no mention of warming up? Yeah, I'm paying for that this morning.

A little cholesterol with your breakfast?

2008-10-14T07:27:00.003-05:00

I had breakfast at Al's Breakfast this morning and I feel like I'm about to explode. It's a great place for breakfast. There's no yogurt or fruit but plenty of eggs (eggs everywhere!) and flour and coffee. Oh wait, there's blueberries for the pancakes. There's your fruit. You can also sit and watch how to properly make hashbrowns. People often times turn them too much. You have to let them sit on the grill until you're positive that they've burned completely and then flip.

NaNoWriMo or National Novel Writing Month is almost upon us again. It's the writing challenge online where the goal is to write a 50,000 word novel between November 1 - 30th. I gave it a shot last year and got to about 20,000 before creativity dwindled. I have 16 days to try and build up more creativity to last 30 days.

With a possible long-term chill in the air, I'm hoping that this week is the last time I'll have to mow my lawn. I think I said this last week. Oh well.

Holy Smokes

2008-10-13T07:59:00.003-05:00

Back from a lovely weekend and now sitting in my office looking out at the rain and hoping that I can just stay in my office the whole day and download my Prince CDs into iTunes and maybe work on some reporting.

The lovely weekend started out with a bang, or I should say with sirens and smoke when my dead neighbor's abandoned house caught on fire around 3am Saturday morning. Here's the intriguing lowdown. The neighbor died in April after having a heart attack at work one Saturday. His family came over to his house and set off his alarm and not knowing the code, they had to sit and wait for the Po-Po to show up and explain how they were the dead homeowners family and can someone please turn the damn alarm off. After a few days of the usual funeral preparations and little kids throwing rocks into my backyard, the nephew was left behind to inhabit the house under the conditions that he be the only one to live there. I would guess his age to be around early to mid-twenties. That condition wasn't upheld and instead, many different friends would arrive late at night (technically early in the morning) and always on a week night when I had to get up at 5am the next day.

One day in mid-July, the matriarch of the family came back and was talking with me and let it slip that the nephew was told not to have other people over. I may have given something away when I said "Ohhh!" combined with the enlarged-eyed lookaway which meant that he hadn't been doing that but I didn't want to say it out loud. She then responded non verbally with the "So he's been screwing around, I'm going to kill him" look. The next day the house was vacated and remained so up until last week when on Sunday evening around 9pm, three people came over to start moving more things out. The next thing to happen was at 3am this last Saturday morning when a blaze started in the bedroom and actually did damage to the adjoining neighbor's house. My side didn't get anything except for smoke and broken windows from the firefighters.

Once all flamage was out, they stayed to board up the newly broken windows and tear down some melted siding. No one has been over since so I don't think the dead neighbor's family is even aware of it yet.

Saturday morning, I went over to get a lesson on the serger I was going to borrow from my co-worker/friend. Serger's are different from sewing machines in that they have four threads instead of one creating four times the possibility of miss-threading. There's differences in how you feed the material through which ended up being the cause of my miss-threadings. After throwing down and challenging the machine to a ladder match with no disqualifications I finally conquered it Saturday evening and then serged everything I could get my hands on. I am now in love with a machine...wouldn't be the first time. ANYhoo......

I attended an absolutely fabulous show at the IAGG last night which was a great way to end the weekend. Ho-Ly-Smokes!!! I'm talking hilarious. I don't know if people realize how lucky we are to have such great entertainment around for a frickin' dollar. Actually, I don't want a lot of people to know because then I may not get a seat and some bigwig might try to steal one of them away to one of the failing TV sketch comedy shows. I don't care about other people's progress towards their dreams, I only care about my own pleasure.

This is long enough so I'll leave you now.

It's Called Voicemail, People Often Try To Contact You Using It

2008-10-10T07:26:00.003-05:00

I don't think the piano thing is going to fly. I've called the con artist twice leaving messages and he hasn't called me back yet. My mom went up to pick up her car from the shop he works in (many piano aficionados double as auto mechanics) she said he was perplexed as to why I hadn't called him yet. He's either a liar or a complete moron. I'm not particularly interested in buying anything from either one. This is a bummer because I did want to check out the hot merchandise. I don't have proof that the pianos are lifted but how exactly would one come upon 25 pianos that they must get rid of quickly?

I went to see Creature Feature last night at BNW and holy smokes what a great cast! This is my second favorite show next to the Christmas show and for the next two Thursdays, they'll be having shows earlier at 8pm for wimps like me who like to be in bed by 10:30pm. The total cost for a ticket is $12.04 but don't worry, they have a little pile of pennies in the event that you have none and therefore won't have to carry around $0.96 cents.

I was a good girl yesterday and paid all of my bills yesterday. Most of them are taken care of online but the car insurance still requires an actual check. I wrote it out, stuffed it in the envelope, sealed it and then promptly threw it in the document destruction bin along with other crap. I'm not someone who keeps envelopes at home so now I have to pay for an envelope and write a little letter with my insurance info on it so when they get the envelope they won't think it's some type of screwed up ransom note. A reverse ransom note since money will be included. Hmm, maybe I will cut out some letters from magazines and paste my words together just to give them a good story to tell their friends. Something like "HeRe iS my mONthLy PaymENt...I dEstROyed THE fiRst onE" There's nothing illegal about being weird right?

I'm in a really good mood this morning. I mean I'm actually in a very good mood this morning. Usually when I finally get into a good mood like this, something terrible happens. I'm not going to let that stop me from watching Bugs Bunny cartoons tomorrow morning. I love watching cartoons on cold mornings because it's morning so I want to be up but it's cold so I still want to cuddle. Sometimes I feel like a riddle wrapped in an enema. I mean enigma. Let the weekend silliness begin.

I'll Go To A Meeting For Good Coffee

2008-10-09T07:18:00.003-05:00

I have a meeting over on the St. Paul campus this morning. This is great news because it means I get to have coffee from Lori's Coffee House. Lori's makes the best coffee anywhere. Lori isn't actually there anymore, I think she's in Budapest. She sold it to a guy I've known since 1999 and I still don't know his name. He's extremely friendly and remembers what I drink no matter how long it's been since the last time I was there. He's done so well with it that he's bought the whole building and leases the apartments upstairs. There are three other units on the ground floor two of which he's turned into a Middle Eastern cafe called Mim's Cafe and you might think that his name is Mim but it's not. I don't know who Mim is. Best falafel's in the city.

I watched Batman Begins last night. Holy crap what a good movie. There are a ton of people in it too, as in really good people like Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine, Ken Watanabe, Liam Neeson, Rutger Hauer and Gary Oldman. I've heard that Gary Oldman is completely crazy but good god can that man act. It was by far the best Batman movie except that I haven't seen the newest one with that one dead guy yet.

I want to have a fire in my Target fire pit and I want people to sit around it with me. What are you doing this weekend?

Just Hear Those Sleigh Bells Jinglin'

2008-10-08T07:43:00.002-05:00

I'm getting into the holiday spirit. I realize that it's not even Halloween yet but for some odd reason, I'm getting excited for the holidays. I can't buy anyone presents and I can't afford to cook anyone a big meal, but I'm still excited. I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking forward to, but there's something.

Did you catch any of that fog last night? I drove through it around 10:00pm when coming home from dance class. I always take the parkway road that runs from 54th street past the V.A. Hospital down to the start of Minnehaha Ave. It would be really foggy in one area and then suddenly clear the next second. It reminded me of the times my friends and I would go down to "13 Graves" on the St. Paul side of the river road. I can't remember the cross streets now but it was supposedly near an old seminary. Does anyone remember this? The story was that if you walked along the path heading one way, you'd count 13 graves but when you headed back the other way, there were only 12. In addition, there was this old metal structure that was half broken which, when looked at against the river, looked really creepy like some big metal spider. Of course, it only worked when you went late at night with a group of friends with at least one person in the group convinced that a grave would mysteriously disappear and when you're a teenager, that combination will help to make you see what you want to see. So yes, I only counted 12 graves when I headed back the other way.

Not that I want everything to freeze up now but I'm looking forward to the day when I don't have to mow my lawn anymore this year. It looks like I'll have to do it at least once more this week. On the upside, I haven't seen any dumb bunnies around lately. One night I saw a cat chasing one down the alley so maybe a slew of tough rabbit-eating alley cats have moved in. Cats would be easier to hit with a sling shot because they aren't as scared of me and don't run away as fast as the dumb bunnies. Of course if I miss, the likelihood that they will get mad and jump on my face is a bit higher.

On to work.

He Was Disqualified For Having a Foreign Object In The Ring

2008-10-07T07:31:00.003-05:00

I've found someone with a serger. She's my co-worker and has the misfortune of living only three blocks from me. This means that I will begin to abuse her hospitality starting this Saturday. Poor sap, now that she's agreed to let me in, I might not go away. Sergers are needed for hemming up the difficult materials like chiffon and silks. See, now you've learned something new...or maybe not.

I'm going to go check out some pianos in a warehouse. See, there's this guy at the shop where my mom gets an oil change who says his friend has 25 pianos in a warehouse that he wants to sell. Sounds totally legit to me. If anything, it'll be amusing.

I'm so happy that there's only 28 days left before this silly media madness will end. Last night I had an exasperated chuckle from Charles Gibson's color commentary on the "all out brawl" between McCain and Obama. All out brawl? Really? Sweet! Don't tease me like that unless you mean it. Wait, if you mean it, it wouldn't be teasing. Just in case, I'm going to tape the debates tonight (Don't ANYONE tell me how it ends!) and then grab some popcorn and wait for someone to go flying over the top rope. If it doesn't happen, I'm going to sue Charles Gibson for false advertising...or bait and switch...or for just being a jerk.

I need to go water my plants now.

Welcome Back Kotter

2008-10-06T07:44:00.003-05:00

I have returned. Alert the media. I have hanged (hung? No, hanged) the red fan in my office and have organized my instant cash slips by date so I can balance my checkbook. This task will be much faster now that I'm back to my ergonomic keyboard. I love my ergonomic keyboard. My wrists love it too.

I took my laptop home over my vacation and now that I've plugged it back in to my dock, it's been slow-going this morning. I don't know why that is. It always makes me paranoid. Did the U install some type of monitoring device so that they can now track all of my keystrokes and know that I am curiously searching through pages of belly dancing costuming which may be mistaken for me being a perv? Maybe if I mix it up with the New York Times webpage they'll think I'm just diversifying my cultural awareness. I don't know how the New York Times would fit into that but it may make me seem learned. Either that or my computer is synchronizing all of my files with the network which I've been away from for a week. I don't know. I know nothing about computers other than how to turn them on and then type really fast with an ergonomic keyboard.

I am determined not to let all of the emails, phone calls, and desperate pleas for help deter me from accomplishing things today. I will not be swayed by doe-eyed administrators asking me to do their stuff first. It's all going in order. First come, first serve with blog writing being the first thing to accomplish.

Boy what a difference a week makes. It's now dark the entire time I walk to work. When does that wonderful day arrive where we all get one extra hour of sleep? I love that day. I also love all of the leaves falling right now knowing that I won't have to rake my yard because I have no leaf-falling tree anymore.

I was just reminded of how joyous it is to have to share a bathroom with everyone on your floor...a bathroom with no fan.

I have to go now and get caught up on my emails and re prioritize my Netflix queue.

DON'T Say it, I don't want to hear it

2008-10-03T12:10:00.002-05:00

I finally realized who Sara Palin reminds me of...the former dean of CEHD, Darlyne Bailey. Darlyne was the former president of Columbia Teachers College and left a position at a prestigious college where she was president of the ENTIRE PLACE to become a dean at a not-so-prestigious unit within the University of Minnesota. Everyone loved Darlyne the moment she arrived because she had "spunk" and "personality". What she really had was the ability to look and sound completely insincere when talking to you almost like a nurse talking to a mental patient trying to convince them that the little spongy things won't hurt much when pressed to the sides of their temples.

I haven't listened to any commentary on the debates yet. I really don't want to hear it. The policital pundits will continue to not voice anything close to my opinion. Sara Palin's demeaner was condensending and anyone who thinks she is one of them should be offended that Palin and her possy think the only way to win American's votes is to speak in what they think is the appropriate lingo. Yes, let's send her overseas to deal with anyone from a foreign nation and see how long it takes them to bomb us.

I can't remember who I've heard say this in the past but I completely agree that the positions of President and Vice President need to be good speakers. They need to be the best in the nation. They must represent what a proper speech is to us and the world. Sure there are a few other qualifications for the position but presenting an image that American's can be proud of, can gain motivation from and look to for inspiration is extremely important. What other position or person is there to unite our nation? There may be religious leaders but I'm not religious. I want someone I can look to with a source of pride and I haven't seen that since....since...um...help, anyone? Nader may not be very good at reading a written speech but he's really exciting to listen to when answering questions off the cuff. He's brilliant. I love listening to him answer anything. What time is it? What's your favorite color? Anything, ask him anything. THAT's inspirational to me. Someone who knows their material, their facts, has done the research and eats, sleeps and breathes it, there's nothing better than that.

I still miss people terribly. I only really need two days of relaxation before I want to get back into society and be surrounded by people. I'll even accept people standing really close to me. Can we all do the muppet dance again? I loved the muppet dance.

I need to go occupy my mind with something else.

Where'd everyone go?

2008-10-02T12:39:00.002-05:00

God I miss people. Vacation isn't fun unless there are people. Oh yeah, this is why I get so depressed every year. I go from being surrounded by thousands of people to nothing. Alone. Boo. If you're not sure whether you need a therapist or not, does that mean you need a therapist?

Sew sew sew sew sew

2008-10-02T08:32:00.004-05:00

I'M ON VACATION!!!! WOO HOO!!! AND I feel like a girl again. Yes, the nails are painted. I went with Malaga Wine instead of Romeo and Joilet though because it was a brighter red. I guess that's neither here nor there.

Here's a little tip; when looking for something specific that you don't have much experience with like what cheese goes good with cabernet, ask the people behind the counter. These people are just chomping at the bit for someone to ask them something. You only need one question. They will then occupy your time for at least fifteen minutes and will fill your mouth will lots of samples. You'll also come away with a few catch-phrases or obscure information you can use to impress your friends. It works in places like Aveda too but there you have to be careful that you're dealing with an actual expert. They tend to stock their stores with graduates. Look for the people that are at least 35 years old.

So yesterday I followed this advice and scored a boatload of stuff from Aveda, MAC cosmetics, and Lunds. I may be near poor again but at least I'll look better and my tummy will be full.

I learned a bit of disturbing news yesterday morning. I have no cleanout pipe. I know, I was shocked and a bit frightened too. This means that my sewer line cannot be cleaned out. It also means that my hundred-year old house has, to my knowledge, never had it's sewer pipe cleaned out. Maybe I should just keep pouring sulfuric acid down my pipes after every shower...just to be on the safe side. I'm sure that wouldn't end badly.

Today's agenda includes a trip to S.R. Harris which is like a trip to LaLa Land. I can't drink coffee before I go there because I don't want to have to leave early. If you're not familiar, this is a warehouse the size of your average Rainbow or Cub Foods filled with material of all kinds, colors, sizes, and then there's the trim and the fur and the leather and -pant pant- brocades and interior design fabrics and -pant pant- did I mention the embroidered stuff? Don't worry, I'll have my phone with me in the event that I need assistance finding the exit.

Excuse me, but I need to exit now so that I can get back to my vacation.

So, What Have You Been Up To?

2008-09-30T19:24:00.002-05:00

The 2008 season is now over. I can so easily remember the week before it began; I was stressed because I hadn't had a chance to prepare the way I wanted to prepare, everywhere there was chaos in my life. As I lay in bed that Friday night, I though "Whatever happens, happens." I admitted defeat and tried to calm myself by thinking that, well, it's not brain surgery, no one's life will be lost. I'll just go in and do whatever presents itself and roll with the punches.

That's not easy to do out there because it's a land of extremes..at least for me it is. When it's good, it's phenomenal; when it's bad, it really sucks but that just helps to make the good times more phenomenal, more personal and more meaningful. There's no mundane middle of the road. That makes me extra sensitive which is something I can't be in my every day world. At least not if I want to excel at what I'm currently doing.

On my back I have a tattoo of a white stallion and a black stallion. They are hijacked from Plato's "Phaedrus" and are meant to represent the two extremes of humanity. They exist in everyone but are controlled differently by each of us. I've always felt that balance is important. That doesn't mean you need to find the middle of the two extremes and stay there. That would be mundane and boring, lacking in spark. Instead it means to counter the naughtiness of lymrics with asking a child if they had a good day and getting that beautiful smile as an answer. Balance also means having the hurt feeling of someone ditching you replaced with gratitude, love and humbleness when they come back and give you a "good job, bloke!" pat on the back.

Eight weeks later I can report that the punches were not bad at all. It was as great as my rookie year minus the constant yearning for approval. When you're a rookie, you need approval. People that had been good aquaintences have now become good friends.

Those good friends helped open my eyes to new possibilities in performance, new appreciation and love for patrons (especially those that plunk down the extra money for the wine show), new inspiration for the future (god knows what could happen tomorrow) and a new realization that everyone wants to be liked and everyone thinks there's a very good possibility they're not liked. We're all just really a bunch of teenagers waiting to be asked to the prom.

Per the usual, Sunday night's closing gate activities were poignant and real. As I was standing in a crowd of good friends, I could hear Gordy's pan hitting his head every so often "Bang! Bang! Bang!" As the King confirmed for us why we are all there, (paraphrasing) because of honor...committment (Bang! Bang! Bang!)... passion for what we do... some other words I can't remember but my subconsious can so that whenever I think back to that moment, tears well up. Kind of like they are right now.

Next weekend I'll get to sleep in and I'll wake up crying because I get to sleep in. Then I'll get out of bed and start preparing for August 2009.

I'd list out the names of everyone I want to thank for various reasons but reading a huge chunk of names in boring. Just know, and don't think for a second that I mean everyone but you, that you mean the world to me and that I would be a complete mess without you.

Thank you.

The Last Hurrah...I mean Huzzah

2008-09-25T13:21:00.003-05:00

Ceeeeehrist I cannot get out of here fast enough. We're still swimming in a sea of confusion and ever increasing resentment. People that are not directly tied to the new financial system are now declaring that two and a half months of dysfunction is long enough and things should now be fixed. That would be lovely if things could turn out like that but problems stay problems until they're fixed. Problems can't tell time.

I found a nice deal at Coffman for lunch. There's a Boston Market-type place where you can get a big meal for $6. That makes it worth the walk from my office to Coffman which only takes five minutes during the summer but then takes 10 during the academic year. I'm a fast walker. This has been commented on extensively by friends, family and enemies. I can't help it. I'm trying to get somewhere, hence the walking. Just get the hell out of my way and we'll all be happy.

Well this is it. The final weekend. Where'd the time go? It seems like I've just found my groove and now it's ending. My body is very happy for this though. I need some frickin' rest. Just three days and one morning Roto-rooter appointment and I'll be in the clear. While there are a number of things that could be checked on in my house to make sure they're all fine and dandy, I decided the sewer line is the one I'd least like to have suddenly go on me. If the heat goes out, I can still smell pretty.

I'm taking next week off for vacation. I haven't had one of those since I tried to take some time off around the holidays last year and ended up being more stressed out because everyone knew that I was off of work and therefore should do what they needed me to do. None of that this next week. You're allowed to call but only to talk about fun stuff. The nails will be the first things to get done....wait, the second. The lawn has to get done first and there's no sense in doing nails when you have to then do landscaping. I even have the color picked out. It's Romeo and Joliet from OPI's Chicago line (Get it? Joliet as in the prison). I have it sitting out so I can stare and whine like a dog looking at a treat.

I'm also going to work on getting off of coffee and back to eating veggies. My eating habits over the last eight weeks have gone in the crapper. Thank goodness Anj makes such great stuff at the Guard Camp or else I would have nothing nutritional for meals.

I have no idea how this weekend will go, which is wonderful, and I'm actually getting those butterflies back in my stomach. I'll see you sometime in the future.

Kew da Wabbit, Kew da Wabbit

2008-09-24T12:53:00.002-05:00

During my lunch break, I had the extreme pleasure of running across the Bunny Suicides in calendar form. If you haven't yet found this, I highly recommend it. I'm partial to the knife attached to the remote-control car which the bunny has positioned behind him and...never mind, go look for yourself.

Here's a related article on the subject. Someone please tell me that this is really an article from The Onion.

I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty

2008-09-24T07:44:00.003-05:00

Only five more days and I'll start to feel like a girl again. I love fest but.....until I get decent shoes that cover my feet, I'm not able to paint my toe nails and I LOVE painting my toe nails. I also need to properly attend to my fingernails which is a waste of time during my beloved fest because they just break...and I can't paint them.

This feeling has intensified because of last night's dance class. We played with makeup. We played with makeup for 90 minutes. I discovered that I get to go buy makeup because I don't have anything dark enough for the stage. More girlie stuff. I love fest but...with my character, the heat, and what I physically do out there, it doesn't make any sense to wear makeup because it'll just melt off. Next to the pretty belly dancers and court ladies I feel like a moose lumbering through a china shop. As long as I'm a funny, entertaining moose lumbering through a china shop then everything is okay.

Some good timing could finally be coming my way. Just as fest is ending, Lund's is hiring. This is good because I need money and if I can get paid and possibly get a food discount at the same time, I can try to get myself out of the large group of people who spend over 30% of their income on housing costs.

One way of cutting expenses was to eliminate cable which was done years ago and is not missed. In fact, I may ditch my TV entirely because all I get out of it now are ridiculous campaign commercials. They are already annoying me to no end and it's only the end of September. I have a whole other month to get through. Netflix will have to come to the rescue.

I'm going to go wrestle with the online application process. Wish me luck.

I should have been warned

2008-09-23T07:47:00.002-05:00

So I'm sitting on my couch before dance class minding my own business when out of nowhere, John Haynes and Lazslo Nemesi pop up on my TV screen during a Grand Casino commercial. I had just taken a Benedryl not long before so my first reaction was "Boy, that looks a lot like John Hay....WHAT THE FUCK?!" Someone should have warned me. Did I tell you about the time I was in the high school jazz band and we played in the Government Center in downtown Mpls and this guy in a trench coat and sunglasses looking just like Lazslo sat and watched the whole thing and then came up to me and passed me a note that said he was Jesus? True story.

I'm so shaken by the event that I can't even think of anything else to write.

To Think or Not To Think

2008-09-22T07:34:00.004-05:00

I'm a bit of a control freak. I like to have a routine, a schedule. If my planned schedule is disrupted, I get cranky but then I also don't like to do the same thing for too long. All of this makes me a slight pain in the ass.

I wanted to leave by 6:00am Saturday morning because I had a lot of things to lug onto the grounds and I wanted time to stretch out and eat and I also wanted my usual parking spot. I left at the scheduled time but when I got to Hwy 169 I realized that I had forgotten a comp ticket for someone so I had to go home to get it. This meant at least a 20 minute shift in schedule. This vexed me greatly. It turned out that the timing was perfect because by the time I got everything on site and went out to drop off the ticket, the person who was to receive the ticket was standing in line. All of my vexation was for nothing.

Another scheduled stop that morning was to ask D'Lis about the whole stage-fright thing. I'm not kidding, it was scheduled (OCD, party of one). She told me I was overthinking things. Telling a control freak that they're over thinking things only makes them think things over more. Us control freaks have to learn the hard way about when to stop thinking. I wish there was an applause sign around all the time that would flash "Think" instead of "Applause" so that I would know when I could take a break.

The rest of the day was changed around due to circumstances beyond my control which is the best thing for me because then I was forced to do other things. I walked around all of the lanes I missed out on the previous weekend and got a chance to watch some great ones like Allen A'Dale and Gary Parker. I was still in overthinking-control-freak mode so I contemplated why they would still do this after so many years. Then I was thinking about how Twig had once said to just be what you are at the moment; if you're mad, then let your character be mad. Then I was thinking about what exactly Butch was trying to say to me at opening gate but I couldn't quite get with the squeaker and all (something like whittikey, whippy, whitney, finally on the way home in the car it hit me....WHISKEY! HE WAS SAYING WHISKEY!). Then I was thinking about who to switch up in the wine show because one act had to cancel. Then I was thinking that if I stay in one spot, I can interact with more people as they walk by (Duh!). Then I was finally tired of thinking and luckily it was the end of the day.

Sunday, the "Think" sign was turned off and I just did...whatever. Very nice, much more relaxed, why didn't I think of that sooner?

If you're not in the pile, you get no attention

2008-09-19T07:45:00.003-05:00

I was watching a Pavarotti special last night where he admitted that he always was a little frightened before he went out on stage. I find that adorable and a little relieving because I usually get stage fright...except for the wine show. I used to get scared before every show last year but not this year. I think I should have jitters. I think I should change something so that I do get the jitters. I don't know what that thing is yet. I'm too tired now to think of that. Maybe the wine show is fine but I should find something else out there that gives me stage fright. Is that supposed to be one word? I've seen it both ways. I'm leaving it as two words.

I have a plan today. I'm taking all of this paper everywhere in this office and putting it in a pile. TA DA!!! That's it!!! That'll solve everything!!! Just kidding. The pile will be.....organized! By priority!!! This is the part where I really love email, if anyone tries to contact me with something they need, I'll respond with "I'll get to it on Monday." I'm excited. I can't wait to try it on someone.

Oo, guess what...I found another cheap watch at Target so I'll finally have my own timepiece this weekend. Gretchen will be overjoyed.

Time to go sort and then try to think about what I want do to when I grow up.

Addendum to #7 below

2008-09-18T07:17:00.005-05:00

Okay, the reason I'm rehashing this is because this same pattern is turning up at work at in my personal life. The pattern consists of a broken system that is allowed to continue by the highest level because there are people below, in the trenches as it were, who are providing the band-aid.

I have three points in regards to this type of situation:

1. Doing something for others, or taking action on something, doesn't mean that you're helping. To act and to help are not the same thing. Sometimes, in order to help a situation, it's best to do nothing. Choosing to do nothing is usually the harder choice; it's more painful and can be detrimental to individuals in the short-term. If you're truly interested in helping the situation, that's something you'll have to consider because you may get stuck with the painful part.

2. Clinging to an outdated concept or a memory (even worse) is not realistic. It's not what's happening right now. Are you really sure about that memory you have? Was it really that great? If it's been some time, maybe you've romanticized it or conveniently forgotten the bad parts of that great season or that great job. If what actually happened were compared to your memory of it, the two could be completely different.

3. You have no control over the future. No one has any idea what could happen tomorrow. By not letting go, you may be denying something even better in the future. There are no facts in the future. Even gravity isn't a fact. It's a theory. You could keep dropping a ball over and over and maybe one day it'll fall up instead of down. It could happen. Sure lots of things would need to occur in order for it to happen, but my point here is that no one knows. No, you're not a psychic. Psychics do not exist as they define themselves. They name themselves as psychic and then they take your money. That's a whole other topic.

My work team is made up of several individuals with varying years and type of experience. We also all have different needs. I don't have a family so I could take a pay hit or a job loss slightly better than someone who has others to support. Some of us have cleaned up after others and have been the band-aid because we may have thought at the time that it was helping or that it was the right thing to do, but we're three years into the new college and nothing has changed. The system is not improving, morale is not improving, we haven't increased efficiency or improved work life, we've only identified our stressors. Oh, and we've made some lists of things that would make it better.

People are given Service Awards for going "above and beyond". If it didn't help the college but only allowed others to slough off, then maybe that shouldn't be rewarded. Couples are celebrated when reaching a milestone like a fortieth wedding anniversary, but if they've made themselves miserable, maybe they shouldn't have stayed married that long. Maybe I should head into the unknown and see what else is out there.

Randomness

2008-09-18T07:17:00.002-05:00

Sure, as soon as I buy fingerless gloves, it's going to be 80 degrees this weekend.

The only thing that's keeping me from being sick right now is drinking all of that goddamn pomegranate juice.

I wonder if anyone was clamoring to be the first car across the new bridge this morning? They wouldn't really be the first because construction workers have been driving on it for months. Not to mention the line of cops and then MNDOT trucks that were at the head of the parade. I just watched it online on KSTP and teared up a bit. I'm blaming that on the weather.

I'm sick of coffee. What? I know, I can't believe it either.

I want to go home and make stuff out of cloth. I'm saying that because I'm staring at a pile of paperwork that I don't want to delve into. I'll stay here if I can turn my phone off.

That William Shakespeare sure could write.

I don't know where the line is between helping people and being taken advantage of but my 2006 Academy was fucking amazing and it'd be a shame if that could never be duplicated.

There are probably only a handful of people that will understand that last sentence. Actually, the numbers could be lower than that, I have no idea who reads this.

I finally have a nice lawn and I'll probably only get to enjoy it for about two weeks.

Wassily Kadinsky really had a way with the color red.

I wish these helicopters would quit flying around, I feel like I'm in Compton.

My lawn was so long last night when I was mowing it that a rabbit was trying to hide from the mower....in the lawn...only a few feet away. I think that's a combination of the lawn being really high and the bunny being really dumb.

I found a free parking space on the street today, that makes getting out of bed worthwhile.

Leeann Chumps

2008-09-17T07:35:00.003-05:00

I officially hate Leeann Chins. Their portions of the actual meat that you order is getting smaller and they're replacing it with rice but if you choose fried rice you pay extra because it's considered an upsale so you're paying more for less. While you're digging for cash or a credit card (because they won't take my check, fuckers) they'll try to get you to buy their frozen yogurt too and if you say no, they shake their heads in disappointment. From now on, I'm making my own breaded chicken pieces and smothering it in rice vinegar and brown sugar.

I remember the good old days when a tray of Leeann Chin's would give you at least two meals. I worked with a guy at the Ramada Plaza Minnetonka (which is now the Sheraton) who would bring it in all the time and feed several of us at once. It only lasted a short while because he eventually called in one day after missing a day of work to tell us that he was in a Buddhist temple in Miami after a blond woman he had met at the bar drugged him and drove him down there. To this day, that is the most creative excuse for missing work that I have heard. He was Asian and I still wonder if he used that excuse thinking that we would believe an Asian was kidnapped and thrown into a Buddhist temple in Miami instead of believing a man simply didn't want to come to work anymore.

I've started crafting my to-do list to tackle after fest. It looks very similar to the list I had in the beginning of the summer and the list I had last fall and the list I had when I moved in. How does that happen? Why does nothing ever stay done? It could have something to do with the fact that I keep wanting to change things. I get bored if things stay in the same place for too long. Once you move something, it starts a domino effect because then something else has to move and then you find something you have to fix and pretty soon you're scouring the oops shelf of paint at Home Depot. If you don't know about this shelf, I highly recommend it. I painted my house and some rooms a couple of times with paint from this shelf. Five bucks for a gallon of paint. Can't beat it. Well, you could try stealing it but then you'll have that shoplifting charge hanging over your head preventing you from getting that job with the FBI.

I'm going to go and try to earn some money so I don't have to steal things.

Weekend #...whatever

2008-09-15T07:15:00.002-05:00

I think I was at the Ren faire this weekend, but I'm not sure. I know I covered the ground between the gate, the white tent and the pavillion. I made it over to the guard camp for Anj's amazing food and twice down to the Puke and Snot area to pick a losing fight. Other than that, I have no idea if anyone was in any other area of the grounds because I never made it there. Instead, I convinced somewhere around 1300 people to drink copious amounts of wine.

You'd think I would love Wine Weekend but sometimes...umm....not so much. The weather absolutely sucked. Rain does not deter a certain sector of the diehard fans. It also doesn't deter the drunks. I love the diehards who are still willing to interact and have a great time despite the fact that they're soaked. I hate the drunks because the rain encourages them to drink more as if changing the ratio of alcohol to red blood cells flowing in their veins would suddenly make the clouds go away. By Saturday night, I was completely fed up with drunks. They are loud. They are loud for no good reason. Their faces contort into hideous expressions not unlike taking a smiley face cup that has been shattered into hundreds of pieces and gluing it back together. They do the same stupid gestures over and over again. It isn't funny the first time. It's not going to be funny the sixth time you do it either. And stop asking that same fucking question "Where'd you get the glass?" I'm going to stuff it straight up your ass if you ask again. Now, not only are Linda and I plagued by this question, but other cast members are hounded too. I received reports from two different cast members claiming to have been asked that question at least 12 times and it was only 11:00am. Here and now I announce that I will stop telling patrons to go ask the King what I did to get the glass so they can get one too. This madness has to stop. That and I don't want Johnny mad at me.

It's a good thing that lots of awesome things happened during the weekend too otherwise I may come off sounding like a complete arrogant, whiny little pissant. Antonia's back. Antonia's really back. You've all been warned. Luckily she's very persuasive and I'm easily swayed so we ended up doing the free wine tastings at the Pavillion and I'm quite confident in saying that everyone had a really good time. We finally sold out some wine shows (our Royal Wine Tasting show) and both of them just about brought the tent down. Kudos must be given to the three poor saps we brought out on Sunday after Antonia had a spark of mischievousness and decided to call up three performers who were hanging around the back of the tent. D'Lis is perhaps one of the best people to ever work with. She had no idea what to do and said as much while walking (skipping?) out to the middle of the tent exclaiming "I have no idea what we're going to do but I'm SO excited!" Little did she know that in the near future she would be bent over with two grapes resting on her tushy like a fluffy cotton platter for George to eat off of. The third poor sap, Jake (aka Matt) had his own wife suggest that he get nailed in the balls with one of George's clubs and before she could finish her request, the job was done and Jake was on the ground. It's a good thing that an announcement was made at cast call for us to tone the bawdiness down. I can't imagine what would happen if we were given free rein.

Gretta, Ethel and Jake did a wonderful job with the grape stomp and while we may not have had a large crowd for it, they were definitely into the event and it became a lot of fun. The free-wine-tasting people were really fun to work with. They merrily went along with whatever we did with the crowd. Thank goodness they didn't expect us to actually recite factual information about the wine. That could have been a train wreck.

I sloughed off on my closing gate duties this weekend by hanging around the smoker too long but I'm considering it a learning session. Watching Shamus and Lazslo come in and just do something without any bells or whistles and entertain a large group of people was inspiring. I watched a similar scene last year during a rain weekend and had the same feelings. I want to find something, some type of thing I can do at the drop of a hat to entertain for a few moments and then move on to the next group. I have some initial thoughts, possibilities, but it's definitely going to require commitment and tons of practice on my part. Well, the good stuff always does though, doesn't it?

Boy am I glad Antonia's back. I needed that shot in the arm, I was starting to get lackadaisical.

Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes

2008-09-12T08:20:00.004-05:00

Friday...woot. My cabana boy didn't show up for my margarita and massage session - wait, I didn't make the appointment - wait, I don't have a cabana boy. Shit.

I've just now thought about how I'd like to change my garb up a bit. Why can't I think of this crap on Mondays? Good thing I have a new sewing machine. Oop, just thought of a way to reinforce the scabbard too. That'll take two seconds...one second with the new sewing machine. Those people that really do want to live back in the renaissance period are crazy, there's no way I'm giving up my sewing machine or shower or bagel slicer or Scrubs. I hope Jake the Gong Farmer is replacing the glass he accidentally busted last weekend because I never got around to buying another one. While replacing those glasses is a pain, it was absolutely hilarious watching a panic-stricken Jake run across the grounds with a glass still filled with "wine" but busted on the bottom. He was in an pretty good run too, knees up and everything.

I'm getting to that time of the year when I start thinking about changing everything. I want to rearrange my living room, get a new TV, change the small bedroom, build a practice space in the garage, change desks, change jobs, walk a new route to work, change change change. I need something different. I think I'll start by changing my screen saver. Finding the perfect image could take hours. That's how I'd prefer to spend my Friday rather than fixing all the stupid problems I've been fixing for people all week just to have them turn around and demand something else only this time faster. It always makes me grin and shake my head a little when I hear someone around here say they NEED something right away. It's an academic institution and while I believe that education and research are extremely important, they're not life-threatening and therefore nothing NEEDS to get done RIGHT NOW. There are very few things people need in life but lots of things we want. Speaking of which, if I don't stop fooling around and get to work finding what they NEED, then I'm going to need to find alternate means of covering the mortgage.

MacBuck

2008-09-11T08:48:00.003-05:00

I've finally managed to get the car into the shop this morning. I'm armed with a credit card and ready to pay it off over the next ten years. Maybe I'm exaggerating. I got a $25 coupon in the mail from the very same Car-X I went to this morning which I intend to march in and slam down on the counter when I pick up the jalopy this evening. A $25 coupon - HA - take that!

I was lulled into another episode of America's Next Top Model last night and it's because of the currently-a-man-soon-to-become-a-woman contestant. I'm really rooting for her. She has a great face. Tyra has taken to standing in obviously uncomfortable poses in an effort to make herself appear smaller than she really is. During the first season of the show when Janice Dickenson was on, her and Tyra got into it over current body size trends with Tyra raging on about how women need to be bigger and should not be ashamed, all that nice warm cuddly stuff. Why is she hiding her big body now? HUH!???!!! Hypocrite.

After an hour's dose of judging other people, I popped the 2006 Australian version of Macbeth in. It's set in modern times but sticks to the Shakespearean text. It took awhile for me to warm up to it because of the modern setting clashing with the dialogue. It doesn't fit. After the first twenty minutes, I got used to it. It was an interesting concept but ended up reminding me too much of Scarface. More like Bono playing Tony Montana in Scarface.

During construction of these prose, I have just been informed that my water pump is leaking and will have to be replaced which will bring the daily total to $600. This does not make me happy. I will now go and growl my way through my day until I pick my car up, smile pretty to make sure I get the keys back, and then growl all the way home.

Flannel is my friend

2008-09-10T07:39:00.002-05:00

Don't shoot me but I'm excited for winter to get here. I love snow. I love transforming my bed into a nest of flannel sheets and blankets with Delta Force Cat snuggled into the backs of my knees. I usually don't sleep well during the summer. There's too much going on. Either it's cool enough to have the window open allowing all of the night time noises to keep me on guard or it's hot enough to have the air on and then I'm aware of the muffled night time noises to keep me on guard. During the winter, it's too cold to do anything outside at night so I can completely relax.

I have no meetings today nor do I have to run across campus to work out of a different office so I fully intend to not answer my phone or most emails and actually get some work done. This thought makes me happy. Thank goodness someone invented a little button on the phone so that you can turn the ringer off. It's the little things that can make a big difference.

In case you haven't gotten to the paper yet this morning, I can report that Norm Coleman beat out Jack Shepard in yesterday's primary. Jack did manage to get 12, 430 votes out of the total 142,817. I wonder if those 12, 430 people realize he's on the lam living in Italy to escape an arson charge in Minneapolis or if they just wanted anyone but Norm to win. See, here's where it's extremely important to research who your voting for.

Enough inane chit chat for this morning, I'm off to start my day of non-communication.